The sound of a working blender sent shivers down Scott Baio’s spine, like boots crunching on hardened snow. Sometimes, he held his finger on the button a few seconds longer than he had to. OK, every time. He watched the whirl of the liquid tornado in the pitcher, mesmerized as it went around and around and around. Other things Scott Baio liked: sets of shiny shiny keys, string. He took his finger off the button and the whirling slush slowly became still. The sound died down, but echoed in his head, and in his heart, for another beat. He knew when he turned around that his guests would be staring at him. His guests were always staring at him. Sometimes they would ask, “What were you doing over there with the blender for so long?” But Scott Baio never answered. You don’t have to answer every question.
“Who wants another pina colada?!” he called out in his trademark racist sing-song.
Jeremy London and Tom Cruise held up their hands and then they looked at each other and laughed. “Jinx!” Tom Cruise said, and kissed Jeremy London on the cheek. “That kiss was a joke!” Tom Cruise squealed. No one said anything. Why doesn’t anyone ever get my jokes, Tom Cruise would have thought to himself, if Tom Cruise ever had any thoughts.
Scott Baio poured tall, cool, refreshing glasses of ice cold pina coladas. He wanted to drink his extra fast so he could go make more, but he knew that it would look strange. If there was one thing that Scott Baio hated, it was looking strange. So he picked up his glass very slowly and slowly lifted it to his lips. He took a tiny, careful little sip, a little birdie sip like a tiny baby bird. Sip sip sip. Nothing to see here. Drinking his pina colada like a normal adult man who did not want to get back to that blender and feel the shake of it in his bathing suit (which he wore under his khaki cargo shorts at ALL times).
“Scott, what are you doing?” Jeremy London and Tom Cruise were looking at him again.
“What? I’m just having a normal slow not too fast drink from this pina colada like a grown up man who doesn’t need to drink this fast for reasons he would die to explain to anyone and will never explain to anyone ever they are his thoughts and feelings and no one can take your thoughts or feelings away from you.”
“Whatever, Scott Baio, let’s just get back to the game.” Jeremy London stood up, and set his pina colada down. There was still plenty of pina colada left in his glass. He’d barely touched it! It took everything inside of him for Scott Baio to tear his eyes away from the glass and stop thinking about how painfully long it was taking Jeremy London to finish his pina colada and keeping Scott Baio from getting to make more pina coladas in the sweet, humming blender.
Jeremy London held up two fingers.
“Two words!” Scott Baio and Tom Cruise shouted in unison. Tom Cruise started cackling and threw his arm around Scott Baio. “Jinx!” he shouted. “You owe me a cock I MEAN COKE!”
Jeremy London began to make air “typing” motions with his hands.
“Black secretary!” Scott Baio shouted.
Jeremy London made a circular motion with his hand to keep Scott Baio on the right track.
“Gay typewriter!” Tom Cruise shouted.
Jeremy London shook his head.
“Black accountant!” Scott Baio shouted.
Jeremy London made a face. “You’re supposed to use your imagination, Scott, but this is a thing that actually exists.” Scott Baio and Jeremy London laughed. Tom Cruise didn’t get it. Jeremy London mimed putting a pipe to his lips and lighting it.
“Gay pipe!” Tom Cruise shouted. “Gay smoking!”
“Black crack. Black drugs. Black addict. Black person.” Scott Baio rattled off his answers, feeling sweat beading on his forehead. He looked over at the hourglass. Time was running out. He wished there was an hourglass on how long he would have to wait to make more pina coladas.
Jeremy London shook his head. He held his hands to his face like a pillow and closed his eyes.
“Black pillow? What is that?” Scott Baio was frantic. “Black dreams?”
Tom Cruise jumped up. “Gay sex!” Jeremy London looked at him. “Gay partner! Dirty gay! I’m gay!” Jeremy London shook his head. Tom Cruise sat back down. Jeremy London pretended to reel in a fish.
“Black fisherman!” Scott Baio was now drenched in sweat, the cocaine just seeping from his pores. “Black vacation!”
Jeremy London threw up his hands in defeat. Then rallied and gave it one more shot. He put his hands out like he had a big belly and clomped around the room in heavy circles.
“Gay elephant!” Tom Cruise shouted. “Gay fat!”
Scott Baio crapped his pants. “BLACK–“
The timer ran out. Scott Baio slammed back the rest of his pina colada and got up and walked stiffly but quickly to the blender. “I can’t believe you guys couldn’t get that,” Jeremy London said behind him. “It was so obvious. Hello, ever heard of–” but Scott Baio could not hear the answer over the lovely roar of the powerful blender.