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Jeremy London Probably Not Kidnapped! Jeremy London Racist Drug Addict!

Oh man. I know that this whole Jeremy London kidnapping thing is a depressingly public display of a personal horror, regardless of what is true and what is false, because if he was kidnapped and forced to smoke crack at gunpoint (LOLOL) that is terrible, and if he is lying and using our nation’s long history of racial prejudice to cover up a life-threatening drug addiction that is tearing his family apart that is also terrible. Either way: very terrible! Nevertheless, I cannot get enough of this story, and it makes me laugh a lot. I’m sorry. If I could throw myself in jail for the crime of being a bad person with base impulses, I would. And if I could somehow combine the Jeremy London story with the Alvin Green South Carolina story, I DOUBLE would. Anyway, Jeremy London’s accused kidnapper, Brandon Adams, has given his first public account of what actually happened the night he supposedly kidnapped Jeremy London and Jeremy London’s wife, drove Jeremy London’s wife home, and then forced Jeremy London to smoke crack and buy people alcohol. Let’s just say, Mr. Adams story is very different. From the Huffington Post:

“There was no gun. There was never a pipe,” Brandon Adams said in his first jailhouse interview, to Radaronline.com. “We got drunk and I hooked him up with some Ecstasy and Xanax and we took a joyride and partied for hours.”

Oh boy. Here we go. Get ready, guys, because this is the best:

Brandon said that he did help Jeremy change his tire, but that’s where Jeremy’s story turned into a lie. He said was hanging out near a 7-11 when he saw Jeremy (whom he did not recognize) and his wife pacing around and looking paranoid. A police car drove by, causing Jeremy and his wife to run back into the store then try to drive away with a flat. They parked in a nearby alley way, and Brandon offered to help.

“My uncle and I and another guy went up and asked them if they needed help with the flat. We helped them change it and asked if they could give us a ride home. And Jeremy said yes,” he said. “As soon as we got in the car, Jeremy asked us if we could get him five xanax and five oxycontin. Melissa was asking for xanax too. I told him I could hook him up but that I wanted a couple of beers. He agreed.”

Brandon said they bought some beer and hard alcohol, got f**ked up and started handing beers out to Brandon’s friends on the street. Jeremy kept bugging him for pills and he found some.

“I hadn’t been able to get any xanax or oxycontins up to that point, but I was finally able to get him three ecstasy and three xanax pills. He took all six pills at once. He was out of his mind high,” he said.

The night ended at Brandon’s home, he said, where he introduced Jeremy to his wife and six kids. Then he drove Jeremy home.

Early Tuesday morning cops were called to Jeremy’s home after he had had an all-night fight with his wife, Radar reports. They found him sleeping in his car in the driveway.

Kaboom! Jeremy London’s kidnapper was actually Jeremy London’s drug-procurer and chauffeur. DRIVING (AND DRUGGING) MISS JEREMY LONDON! Wait though: I thought the cops had said they found Jeremy London’s stolen car? Which is it. Did they find his stolen car, or did they find his not stolen at all car with him sleeping in it? Regardless, this story still seems so much more reasonable than Jeremy London’s cookoo lazy drug-fueled paranoid racist version. I will say that while Brandon Adams probably does not belong in jail for kidnapping Jeremy London and forcing him to smoke crack at gunpoint (LOL EVERY TIME!), he probably should be in jail for introducing an incredibly high Jeremy London to his wife and six kids at what couldn’t possibly have been a reasonable hour. Is that a crime? I’m not a lawyer. Could someone confirm whether or not it is a crime to introduce an incredibly high Jeremy London to your wife and six kids at an unreasonable hour? SUSTAINED! I rest my case.

I cannot wait, now, for the other shoe to drop in what is turning out to be the Trial (is this a trial? This is a trial, right?) of the Century. And by “other shoe to drop” I of course mean “for Jeremy London to update his Facebook page.”