I’m Worried About Megan Fox, You Guys!*

Uh oh. Bad news, guys. Megan Fox’s most recent film, Jonah Hex, a big budget Hollywood adaptation of a popular comic book (i.e. HOLLYWOOD SOLID GOLD, 2010) opened dismally last weekend, in eighth place, which might as well be 8,000,000,000th place as far as the Aris Gold are concerned. It only made $5.1 million dollars, which is still so many millions of dollars compared to the number of millions of dollars I’ve ever seen, but not enough millions to be a success, much less to even begin to recoup the nearly $65-million budget. Look at Mr. Cool Business over here! Buy! Sell! But seriously, you guys, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MEGAN FOX?! Between this Jonah Hex thing and last fall’s Jennifer’s Body flop it is becoming increasingly clear that Megan Fox, despite the hard work of our nation’s hard-brunching puff-profile journalists and Michael Bay’s car, is not a deciding factor in whether or not people spend $12.50 ($12.50!) on a movie. Meanwhile, as we all know, she was fired from Transformers 3 last month. Whoops! (Incidentally, Megan Fox getting fired from Transformers 3 is the equivalent of a college junior getting fired from an internship. “Literally all you had to do was show up, be hot, and keep your mouth shut, and you’d get four million credits.”)

So, now what? Can you make an entire career by saying stupid, boring, obnoxiously calculated shit that dumb people think is “edgy” in magazine interviews? I don’t think you can make an entire career that way. Lord knows, SHE HAS BEEN TRYING. I think the real lesson here is that if a pudgy boy with a lesbian haircut who may or may not be INVESTED WITH SORCERY tries to give you a yellow flower that may or may not be the only thing standing between you and an UNBREAKABLE CURSE, take the flower. Just take the flower you guys. Take it. No big deal. But take the flower.

*I’m not actually worried about Megan Fox.