These Ain’t Your Daddy’s The Smurfs! (Quick Question: What Are Smurfs?)

The Smurfs teaser trailer, you guys:

Look, I’m an adult. And this movie was not made for adults. Even an adult who used to love the Smurfs, and as a child had a velvet Crown Royal bag where he kept all his Smurfs figurines, and considered this velvet bag of Smurfs figurines to be one of his prized possessions along with his tin Band-Aid box full of buttons (no kiddo), and who learned at some young age that the The Smurfs were originally called Les Schtroumpfs, and had his mind blown that a thing could be perceived entirely differently by different human beings, some of whom correctly believed that Smurfs were Smurfs and some of whom lived shadowy deluded lives believing that Smurfs were Schtroumpfs, and probably bragged about this fact to kids at school, who probably continued to not believe him and to hate him even more now than they did before, which was plenty, even an adult like that (it could be any adult, really, we will never know which adult it was) will see this trailer and feel NOTHING. It’s a movie for kids. As the great Cheese once said, “ain’t no nostalgia to this shit here.”

But that leaves us with a question: who IS this movie for?

Because kids don’t know what the Smurfs are, do they? Kids in 2010 (and certainly kids in Summer 2011) do not know what that is. “Can I download it to my Razr Scooter?” Luckily, of course, this movie features lots of cool-fresh hip hop beats dat are da bomb. Also, though, going back to the part where kids, the core audience for whom this movie is intended, have no idea what this movie is fucking talking about: isn’t New York traditionally the setting for a sequel, after you have established the alternative world in which tiny blue creatures exist and are real? There is a long tradition of children’s movie sequels set in New York: The Muppets Take Manhattan. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Friday the 13th Part VII. You see, it is important to actually establish the characters as a thing the audience KNOWS ABOUT before you let them loose in the city. Otherwise, it isn’t “look at the Smurfs riding around on a taxi cab.” It’s “look at those blue rats riding around on a taxi cab. Those are blue rats, right? This movie should be called Rats in the Hats!” And I have a follow up question:

How come in the opening montage of world monuments turning blue, only Abraham Lincoln’s head turns blue on Mount Rushmore? That is the weirdest part of this whole trailer, and this is a trailer about Smurfs!

Whatever. I don’t care. This movie isn’t for me. And I don’t own any Smurfs stock (SMUF). I hope all the kids cry because they’re so confused. Crybabies who don’t know anything.