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True Blood S03E01: The Triughphant Return Of The Worst Show On Television

Oh man. This show. It is BACK. All our old pals! Sookie and Bill and Tara. I PRACTICALLY FORGOT ABOUT TARA. It seems impossible, now, of course, since all my old Tara wounds are itching like crazy. Here’s a quick poll: is Tara the worst character in the history of characters? Wow, that was fast! 100 percent of respondents say YES. She is seriously the worst. She’s like the black Kate, except with less love triangles and more screaming. I fully expect Tara to reveal herself as an expert tracker this season. Anyway, we pick up right where we left off last season: in tears, covered in our own vomit. As you may recall, Sookie and Vampire Bill were out for a romantic dinner at a restaurant where Bill was about to propose to her, but then she went to the bathroom and someone kidnapped him using a silver necklace. In the run-up to this season, there were posters and advertisements asking “Where is Bill?” and “What happened to Bill?!” Oh my gosh, you guys, I am on the edge of my coffin (get it?) waiting to find out where he could beee!!!!!! Billllllllll!

Oh, wait, he’s just in the backseat of some car with some stupid assholes:

He escapes almost immediately. What is this, Heroes?

Meanwhile, everyone is talking to each other in incredibly stilted expository dialogue in order to catch us up on what happened last season. I guess it is useful? Although I don’t really care. As long as everyone on this show is heading headlong into oblivion, what came before is of little importance. But, so, I guess Andy Bellefleur shot Eggs in the head? Or Jason shot him? The important thing is that SOMEONE shot Eggs in the head. Anyhow, the two of them are trying to get their stories straight, and the whole thing is so stressful that Jason is having trouble maintaining an erection! Jason! Can you believe it! He usually doesn’t have any problem maintaining an erection whatsoever!

Meanwhile, Tara is being an asshole and everyone is like “Oh, you don’t understand, she just lost the man she loved.” Uh, so? I mean, yes, of course, losing the man you love can definitely lead to some emotional outbursts or whatever, but Tara was always an asshole. I have never seen Tara be anything other than a total asshole. It seems like at this point people would be used to it? “We live in a world of vampires, maenads, shapeshifters, and now werewolves, but what REALLY surprises us is the emotional instability of a woman who has always been deeply emotionally unstable.” Sure, Bon Temps.

Incidentally, both Sookie and Tara have scenes in which they complain to the police that the police aren’t taking their sadness and/or concern over a lost/missing loved one seriously enough and there are going to be consequences if the police don’t get more emotional about all of this. Haha. Relax, ladies. Even in a world of mythical creatures and metaphors for sex in the AIDS-era populated by people with comically bad “southern” accents, that is simply not how the criminal justice system works.

Sam is trying to find his birth parents. Good luck, Sam! Have you tried the edge of the cliff? I think they are just past the edge of that cliff. At the very least, you should definitely drive over that cliff and see if they are there, just in case.

But the big news has something to do with, like, Vampire Corruption at the Highest Vampire Levels. The Queen (LOL, still) comes to see Eric along with “The Magister” (I AM AN ADULT, HBO!) who is concerned about the illegal distribution of V. You know, I am willing to accept…well, wait, no, let me not say anything I am going to regret…I recognize the right of children and adults to be endlessly fascinated by vampires for whatever reason, but why do all of these books and movies and shows go so deeply into the governmental beaurocracy of mythical creatures that don’t exist? “You know what is really sexy? The internecine disputes of regional officials.” Also, FUN FACT: Vampires use BlueTooth:

(Also, in this scene, the magister says something to the effect of Vampire Blood being sacred and for “procreation” only. So where this show began with Vampires as Heavy-Handed Metaphor for Homosexuals, now they are doing a 180 and Vampires are a Heavy-Handed Metaphor for Focus on the Family? Perfect. Perfect show.) So I guess the Queen (hahahahhaha) and Eric are in league together selling Vampire Blood through Lafayette at Sam Merlotte’s (small world, literally), and they need to get rid of it and also Bill knows they are doing this and that is why Eric had him kidnapped by Mississippi Werewolves? Should I be taking notes? Hey, Alan Ball, do I need a notebook to watch this stupid fucking show that is so stupid?

On the first page of my new True Blood notebook, I will write the word “Butts” and underline it and then I will keep track of how many butts are in this show.

So, I don’t know, whatever, Sookie wants to find Bill. Andy Bellefleur has finally erased any goodwill I had towards Chris Bauer. R.I.P. Frank Sabotka, 4ever. Sam meets a dude at a gas station who is definitely going to be an Dude of Some Minor Importance, because what this show definitely needs is MORE CHARACTERS. Also Sam is gay for Bill now.

Tara takes some pills in the bathroom, but Lafayette rescues her. Boo, Lafayette! I used to like you! Bill gives an old lady $100. WEREWOLF TATTOOS. Eric likes to have angry speed sex for six hours. Gross. He also still says stuff like “I am duty bound to find Bill, even if I want what he has.” Give it a rest! You are 17,000 years old but you still have so little TACT?! And Vampire Jessica, and Hoyt, and the sheriff, and Tara’s mom, and Arlene, and Terry.

I say this every year, and yet never has it resonated so much: WOOF.