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BREAKING NEWS: Jodie Foster Viciously Attacks Teenage Boy!

As we know, my favorite news story is (and will always be) LINDSAY LOHAN’S SCRAM BRACELET. And my second favorite news story is the current political scandal in South Carolina. But Jodie Foster being accused of assaulting a teenager in a parking lot is definitely in the top three and CLIMBING THE CHARTS! (P.S. It is always important to rank news stories in order of personal preference.)