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Dear South Carolina, What On Earth?

Until now, I have not been paying very much attention to the strange political situation in South Carolina. This is for two reasons: first, I do not live in South Carolina, and second, because stories about what is going on down there never include any updates on WHAT IS GOING ON WITH LINDSAY LOHAN’S SCRAM BRACELET! Is it too much to ask that every news story include some mention about the current status of Lindsay Lohan’s SCRAM bracelet? It’s a NEWS story, isn’t it? That being said, the situation in South Carolina is now my second favorite situation (after the Lindsay Lohan’s SCRAM bracelet, which I just find endlessly interesting and important). For those of you who may not have heard about this yet: Alvin Greene, an unemployed former soldier currently facing porn-related felony charges, entered the Democratic primary and then proceeded to make no public campaign appearances or do anything whatsoever, basically. He didn’t print any lawn signs or anything like that. Nothing. And then, against a candidate running an actual campaign with experience in elected office, Alvin Greene WON THE PRIMARY!!! Wowowowowow. Now some people are accusing him of being a Republican plant and demanding an investigation. You have to admit, it is an unusual and suspicious situation!

Well, the situation is way less unusual and suspicious than Alvin Greene himself! Wait until you actually see this guy talk, as he did on last night’s episode of Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Although, “talk” might be too strong of a word. “Mutter and look confused” is a clearer description of what is happening here:

Hahahahha. Oh wow, WHAT IS THAT?! I mean, in addition to acting like a broken-down robot from the Awkward Robot Factory, he doesn’t seem like he wants to be there? And by “there” I don’t just mean on Keith Olbermann’s show, I mean, like, in the campaign, or even in South Carolina. To be honest, he looks like he would rather not be on Earth. So it makes even more sense* that an unemployed man collecting unemployment benefits (and using a public defender in his felony trial) would spend $10,000 of his own money to enter a campaign that he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with in the first place? Ay-ay-ay. In my experience, unemployed people get pretty nervous when it comes time to buy a SLICE OF PIZZA, much less dropping $10,000 on a political race for which they are aggressively unqualified for, and visibly disinterested in?!

We live in a very strange world!

Anyway, I apologize (to myself) for not having followed this story more closely until today, but that period of self-imposed ignorance is over. Because I am now going to be following the crap out of this story. What a weird story! Just as a sidenote, though: if you are a journalist assigned to cover this for your media outlet, would it kill you to drop in a little something about Lindsay Lohan’s SCRAM bracelet? It can be buried at the end of the article. I’ll find it. (Video via DailyIntel.)

UPDATE: It just keeps getting better and better!!! (Worse and worse!!!)

*Sarcasm.