Why Wait Until August When We Can Just Roast David Hasselhoff Right Now?

Comedy Central has announced that the next subject for its celebrity roast series will be David Hasselhoff. The special will tape in the coming months and air on August 15th at 10PM. Sure. Fair enough. I don’t think anyone is like, “Hey, how about you DON’T roast David Hasselhoff.” Go ahead! Roast him! He is certainly roastable. Hasselhoff will follow in the footsteps of Flavor Flav, William Shatner, and Joan Rivers in having Lisa Lampanelli say something about their Mexican pussies or whatever. Personally, though, I think that Comedy Central should keep these announcements in their pocket until just before the special is ready to air. Otherwise, they open the way for Impromptu Amateur Roasts from people like us who just CAN’T WAIT for that SWEET SWEET ROAST! Don’t get me wrong, I still can’t wait to hear Dave Attell hand David Hasselhoff his FACE. But from a business perspective it’s probably unwise. (What the hell am I even talking about?) What I’m saying is August is so far away! Let’s roast that guy ourselves right now! I’ll go first:

  • Hey, David Hasselhoff, remember that time your daughter taped you having a drunken melt-down? That was EMBARRASSING!
  • Baywatch, of course, is one of the most internationally successful television programs of all time. And yet people DON’T REALLY RESPECT YOU!
  • On the show Knight Rider, KIT was an incredibly intelligent car. But even a Toyota Corolla is a lot smarter than David Hasselhoff!

So roasted.

And now, welcome to the comments, bruce_villanch_69, or whatever.