Les Grossman: The Movie

After Sunday night’s MTV Movie Awards, during which Tom Cruise reprised his Hollywood producer character, Les Grossman, from Tropic Thunder, for an insanely confusing dance routine with Jennifer Lopez (the mind reels, and then the mind just keeps reeling), Tom Cruise suggested to reporters that he would be interested in bringing that character back for a whole movie. Normally, when a human being says out loud that they have a terrible idea, that’s the end of it. Not when that human being is Tom Cruise. If Tom Cruise even THINKS about writing a young adult novel in which a boy from the jungle moves to the big city and becomes the world’s most powerful publicist using his unconventional jungle skills, $3,000,000 is immediately wired to his checking account. And so here we are, three days later, and there’s already an actual movie deal from an actual movie studio in place. Incredible. Of course, you can’t have a funny movie without a funny PRESS RELEASE, right, you guys? Who doesn’t love a FUNNY PRESS RELEASE! From CNN (CNN!):

Paramount and MTV Films announced Wednesday that they’re ready to give Grossman his very own untitled movie project to star in.

As the statement notes, this “announcement comes hot on the heels of Grossman’s groundbreaking and visionary production of the soon-to-be-Emmy award-winning 2010 MTV Movie Awards.” (We didn’t know the Emmy’s had an “outstanding use of excessive swearing” category.)

And those MTV promos with Grossman – played by Tom Cruise, of course – and Robert Pattinson? That was evidence that this Hollywood player is still in the game. According to the statement, “Tom Cruise, along with Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld of Red Hour Films will produce and have secured the life rights to Grossman.”

Stiller, who introduced Grossman to moviegoers in 2008’s “Tropic Thunder,” said Grossman’s life story “is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds.” He added, “[Grossman] has assured me he plans to quote, ‘[Expletive] kill the [expletive] out of this movie and make Citizen [expletive] Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”

“Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” screenwriter Michael Bacall will pen the script, although Grossman didn’t clarify what exactly it will be about. “To quote my great friend Kirk Lazarus, ‘I don’t read the script, the script reads me,’ ” Grossman said.

Really, CNN? You agree to play along with this? Because, I’m not journalist or anything, but just for the record: LES GROSSMAN ISN’T A REAL PERSON.


That aside, I can’t wait to see the hilarious life story of a Hollywood Studio Executive! Even with Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller involved, it will be hard for them to differentiate this movie from all the other uproarious comedies about the internecine power struggles of Hollywood’s most notorious assholes. There are just so many movies about that because of how much people who go to the movies WANT TO SEE THEM. In the end, I think the thing that is really going to put their Hollywood Powerbroker Komedy above the rest (of the Hollywood Powerbroker Komedies, of which, we have agreed, there are tons) is Tom Cruise’s superb use of JEWFACE. They should really drive that home in the promotional materials. “Hitler Killed 6 Million Jews In The Holocaust: But One Got Away. And Now He Is The Hitler Of Hollywood. Played Almost Insanely Offensively By Scientologist Tom Cruise.” GOOOOOOD TAGLINE! For a great movie.

Does anyone know what time Fandango opens? (Thanks for the tip, Daniel and Chris.)