Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.
This week on Glee was one of those weeks where it’s not so much a musical as it is a pageant—songs that are homages, costumes that are supposed to be costumes, numbers that take place IRL and not in someone’s emotionbrain. Cool, no prob. This week they tackled Gaga and KISS (with a little Barbra thrown in for good measure), with “theatricality” as a common thread. It was way better than the Madonna episode, and in a whole different Gleegue than the “silly songz” episode; but, IMHO, it didn’t hold a candle to the secretly-Bacharach episode, where the numbers fit with what was going on, and weren’t just going on to go on. It’s a stylistic choice, I guess, and I really wish the show was more consistent on that front. But, I guess everyone’s Glee to be you and me, and if I have to sit through a week of theme-time again, it better be as least as good as this week’s episode. OH, and Sue Sylvester was not even in one scene which is a bold-as-fuck move, and it better mean that next week’s show will be one long misogynistic soliloquy delivered by Sue, directly to camera, in the nude, with no commercial breaks. Fair is fair.
The episode started off with Tina getting a talking-to about her Goth-y ways. As you know, I consider her to be way more pop-Ska than Goth—but I guess the line between early Marilyn Manson and early Avril Lavigne was blurred (forgotten (never made)) a long time ago. Principal Figgins needs Tina to stop being so dark in the wardrobe because he thinks she’s a vampire? Some set-ups are too dumb to remember. But, now Tina is at a crossroads—what’s she gonna dress like?! Instead of singing “Dance in the Dark” by Gaga which woulda been RIGHT on message, she sings nothing, which is insane. Problem solved:
Finn’s mom has a big surprise for him—she’s moved them into Kurt’s haus and he and Kurt get to be roooommmiiieeeezzzzz (and boyfriend brothers)!!!!! Finn’s NOT psyched about it—the banana store is so far away! Kurt’s super-psyched about it though, no doy, because they’ve already done this like four weeks ago. But instead of singing “So Happy I Could Die” by Gaga, he sings nothing, which is insane, so:
Rachel goes dumpster-diving outside of Vocal Adrenaline’s practice space, and discovers that they’ve got a secret weapon—they’re gonna be doing a Lady Gaga number at Regionals, which is sure to impress the judges, who I guess are Tina Queens from six months ago. All the Gleetards poop their bike shorts out of scaredness—how can they ever compete against another bunch of assholes who are screaming Gaga songs when all they’ve got is talent, charisma, under-doggy-ness, and Brittany? They’re fucked, and not in a good way.
Rachel, Mercedes, and Quinn decide to crash Vocal Adrenaline’s rehearsal, to size them up, and learn a thing or three about theatricality. Apparently, theatricality=doing the exact same thing as someone who is famous, without spending much money or thinking too hard.
MILF Rachel’s not impressed by her slaves’ efforts, so she decides to show ‘em how it’s done. And how it’s done is BARBRA. MILF Rachel empties the stage then sings “Funny Girl” from Funny Girl in a decidedly UNtheatrical way, and then is like “get it?”
Only Rachel gets it though—she recognizes that sex-Jew voice from the cassette single by her mother that magically appeared last week, and when the Barbra’ing is done she blows her cover and str8-up introduces herself to MILF Rachel as her daughter. Now, even though MILF Rachel’s concocted this entire scenario because she supposedly really wants Rachel to know she’s her MILF, she instantly seems a little uncomf around her daughter. Literally, she’s like “I’ll call you…”
Finn tells Schue that he doesn’t wanna do Gaga—he’s got a better idea for the boyz, and Schue’s like “I WEAR A PRETTY HELMET.” Meanwhile, other apes are pushing back against the Gaga theme—a couple of football bullies give Kurt and Tina a hard time when they come to school dressed as homosexualz.
Football bullies HATE when people dress like homosexualz. When they finally make it to Gleehearsal, we see that all the girls in Glee Club are dressed as homosexualz—each one is in a different outfit inspired by a Lady Gaga look. Neat. Oh, and Mercedes tells everyone about MILF Rachel being Rachel’s mom, and everyone’s like TIME TO SING “BAD ROMANCE” THEN?
“Bad Romance” was fine—Tina and Kurt sang a lot of it, and OFCOURSENODOY they censored the celebratory “I’m a free bitch baby!” line, because none of these bitches are free AT ALL. They are the opposite of free. They are in jail, where they Gleelong.
Finn gets bullied when’s he’s caught putting on makeup in the boysroom. Football bullies HATE when boys put on makeup in the boysroom. He sticks up for himself a little bit, and then we see why he was putting on makeup in the first place: the Glee Club boyz have decided that their Gagaquivalent is KISS—same theatricality, more lenient on their tuck-your-penis-back legislation.
Finn’s makeup is pretty fantastic, considering his species’ thumbs are only semi-opposable. The boyz “sing” “Shout it Out Loud,” and put on a cute little show—if you’re limited to KISS songs, this one’s pretty gr8, but HOLY SHIT do I not <3 KISS so much.
Back home in their new boyfriendbrother room, Kurt and Finn are de-makeup-ing. Kurt asks Finn for some help defending herself from the football bullies. Football bullies HATE when one boyfriendbrother asks the other boyfriendbrother for protection from football bullies. Finn knows this, so he’s like “monkey no protect boyfriendbrother from football bullies, boyfriendbrother should try to fit in more.” Then Kurt is like, “silly boyfriendbrother, you’re removing your monkey makeup incorrectGlee,” and tries to touch Finn’s mug with a moist towelette. Finn freaks the fuck out—he doesn’t want to catch The Gay from Kurt’s ladyfingers.
This hurts Kurt’s feelings, so she sings “Monster” by Gaga. JK, he doesn’t sing anything, which is insane, even though “Monster” is right on message, so, again, problem solved:
Schue decides to have a no-kissing sit-down with MILF Rachel, to remind her that her daughter is very theatrical, and if MILF Rachel isn’t ready for a whole lot of draw-ma, she better keep a safe distance from Rachel. MILF Rachel tells Schue that Rachel’s the only kid she’ll ever have, because Rachel’s fetus was such a drama queen, she took all her MILF’s fertility with her when she made her big exit.
Kurt <3s not taking hints from his boyfriendbrother so much that she gets aaaaaall excited to show Finn her new interior designscape for their guilty-kissing secrecy-suite. It’s a little bit Sex and the City 2, in its epileptic nodding toward “Middle East” aesthetixxx (can you believe Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and … Samantha? go on vacation to Abu Ghraib this Friday?! That’s so Raven!), and a lot a bit hideous:
Finn fucking h8s it—there’s zero vines for him to swing from one side of the room to the other on, PLUS instead of piles of decomposing leaves full of bugs for him to eat, THERE’S A FLOOR. Uncool, Kurt, uncool. But, then FINN gets a little bit uncool, because he starts howling about how certain drapey swatches of fabric strewn here and there are “faggy,” and that’s when Kurt’s Dad From Guts steps down off his aggrocrag to teach his new son that it’s really gay and Jewish to use hate speech. Then Kurt’s Dad From Guts kicks Finn out of the house for being homosexualphobic, which is a little extreme, but Finn’s psyched to move back into the Primate House at the zoo, so he doesn’t cry.
I didn’t mention this before because it didn’t seem important, but now I realize that it is at least slightly important. Puck wanted Quinn to name their daughter Jack Daniels (or Jackie Daniels) before they give her away to Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman, and Quinn gets pissed. So, then Puck’s rock hard pecs decide he needs to apologize, and the way he apologizes is by singing “Beth” by KISS.
It’s a very toned-down number compared to the first KISS song, so Quinn decides not to wear her false eyelashes and just go au naturel, for once.
She’s very moved by Puck’s pecs’ performance, because they really seem to have grown up. Puck apologizes for the very stupid Jack Daniels thing, and then suggests that they name their daughter “Beth” by KISS, before they give her away.
MILF Rachel tells Rachel that she’s not ready to be a very hands-on mommy right now (which reminds me: there better be a cougar-cub lesbo scene between these two characters in the Penthouse Glee porno that’s coming out OR ELSE). There’s a really funny line in this scene where Rachel says she’s named after Rachel from Friends, LOLz.
In the end, MILF Rachel is a mother, not a mom, and Rachel gets it, but is sad about it. She wants a mom. Then the two of them sing a really great version of “Poker Face” by Gaga. I loved this number—it kind of showed that Glee understands more than one thing about Gaga: yes, she’s a costumed disco crusader, but the human being underneath all that porno armor is a whacky 20something, who loves to bang on pianos and growl. Rachel and MILF Rachel do a good imitation of Gaga’s acoustic-set snarls—it’s a loving homage, rather than a pageant number, like “Bad Romance” (which was still pretty cute).
Kurt and Tina are about to get Gagabashed again by the football bullies when Finn comes to their rescue, dressed in Gaga’s rubber Elizabethan getup she wore to meet Queen Elizabeth.
Finn may be no match for the football bullies by himself, but then the rest of Gleetards show up, and somehow they’re intimidating enough that the football bullies step down.
Schue gives them all a slow-clap for learning a vague message about sticking together and homosexual-okay-with-ness. OH! Also, Tina’s back to being Goth because she convinced Principal Figgins that she really IS a vampire, so now he is too scared to give her fashion advice.