Who Should Play The BP Oil Spill?

Oil continues to pour into the ocean at an alarming rate. Honestly, what is happening out there? It’s 2010! Why can’t we make oil stop pouring out of the fucking ground?! It’s ruining everything. Birds are giving up in frustration. Of course, if we do manage to survive this disaster, and I’m not saying that we will survive it, and even if we do survive it we still have 2012 to worry about, unless this is just the beginning of 2012 and in fact Roland Emmerich got it all wrong and the Tibetan monk in his bell tower was crushed by a tidal wave of CRUDE OIL pouring over the mountains, but if we do somehow survive it, you know that Hollywood will make a movie about it. Those guys. They’re like, “Hey, there’s a dirty Kleenex on the ground. I’m thinking franchise.” Then you’ve got Eddie Murphy playing a family of Kleenex. That’s how it works. But so, when they do adapt this international environmental tragedy (because the oceans belong to EVERYONE, except for Native Americans) for the big screen, WHO SHOULD PLAY THE OIL SPILL?

A few suggestions after the jump:

Betty White
Right? She should do everything! It’s weird that they haven’t fired everyone from Entertainment and replaced them all with Betty White. If anything, she should play the oil spill AND the CEO of BP AND the President of the United States AND herself.

Kevin Costner
With his actual real-life work in researching and designing oil spill clean up strategies AND his make-believe movie work as Mariner from the hit film, Waterworld, Kevin Costner would bring a depth (get it? Underwater jokes!) to the performance that few other actors could.

The Smoke Monster from Lost
Admittedly, this is a bit of type casting. And considering the disappointing ratings for the Lost finale, Hollywood might not see the Smoke Monster as the bankable star that he was a couple of years ago (when you could not throw a conch without hitting a romantic comedy featuring the Smoke Monster and Jennifer Aniston). But from a budgetary standpoint (the most important standpoint!) you would save a lot on makeup.

Gabourey Sidibe
Gabourey Sidibe is going to need to act fast to follow up on the success of her performance in Precious: Based On a Novel. As we know, she is not funny, but this is a serious role, so that’s not an issue. Although when Leslie Nielson puts together his SPOOF of BP Oil Spill: The Movie, Extra Virgin Oil Spill, we would NOT recommend Gabourey Sidibe. Not even as a winking cameo.

Sir Ben Kingsley
Honestly, he’s just a great actor. And he would probably be great as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

One adult for this movie, please!