It worked! Remember, in the first episode of the season, when Juliette was dying from her bomb-wounds, and she looked up into Sawyer’s suspicious eyes and said, “It worked,” right before dying? Remember that? Well, I think this series finale worked. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse smashed a rock against my heartstrings and they blew up and it worked. I am sure some people don’t agree! But I found it to be both emotionally and mysteriously satisfying. Granted, we still don’t know WHAT WAS IN THE HATCH, but I guess some mysteries are left unsolved. Anyhow, the episode opens with people going about their business on the island and also going about their business in Bizarro LA. Well, actually, the episode opens with Jack’s father’s casket arriving on an Oceanic airplane. More on that later. But then it cuts to people going about their business. Here is Jack, looking at X-Rays in his office. Here is Other Jack washing his face in a stream. Here is Ben making some coffee in the teacher’s lounge. Here is Other Ben loading bullets into a clip. And cetra, and cetra. They don’t show what both Hurleys are doing, but one can assume that they are both probably SNACKING.
Jack tells Kate and Sawyer and Hurley what Jacob told him, which is almost nothing. Like, it mostly seems to be where to find the magic light cave. Aaaaand that’s it. He doesn’t know how to protect it, he doesn’t know what happens if it goes out, he doesn’t know how Desmond figures in. But I don’t blame Jacob entirely. Some of this blame has to fall squarely on Jack’s dumb shoulders.
Aw, it feels weird making fun of Jack, KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW NOW. But we have a job to do. Jack has to protect the island, and we have to paint speech bubbles on his face saying durrrr. Here, drink this glass of HateJackErade. Now you are like me.
Sawyer splits off to go find Desmond in the well. Hurley has a bad feeling about this. Cue strings.
Sawyer gets caught right away spying on Locke and Ben at the well. To be fair, he’s a con artist, not a hiding artist. Locke asks if he knows what he’s up to, and Sawyer is like, “I’m guessing you’re trying to find Desmond to destroy the island.” Hahahaha. OK, so Sawyer knows EXACTLY what Locke is up to. Because that was an incredibly good guess. Locke tells Sawyer that all of Jacob’s candidates are going to sink into the ocean with the island. Sawyer is like, “we aren’t candidates anymore.” And then POP.
Bye guys! Hey Sawyer, don’t forget your backpack! (You know a scene is dramatic and intense if one of the characters has a backpack.) When he’s gone, Ben begins to cry, because Ben thought Locke was only going to destroy the island figuratively. Oh boo hoo. Sorry, Ben. It’s weird how that immortal, paranormal, shape-shifting incarnation of pure evil kind of lied to you. Suddenly, Locke is distracted by something on the ground. What is that? Are those…are those PAW PRINTS?
Rose and Bernard are the ones who pulled Desmond from the well and are bringing him back to health in their hippie commune. Seriously, what a couple of hippies. Cut your hair and get a job, you hippies!
They explain that they don’t like drama. Well then maybe you should be on a different show! SPEAKING OF DRAMA, Locke and Ben show up. Oh hey guys! Locke tracked Vincent’s paw prints to Rose and Bernard’s hippie camp. Because apparently the Smoke Monster took on the face of John Locke and the tracking ability of Kate. Guys, remember how Kate is a tracker? Never Forget. Locke wants Desmond to come with him and do the thing that’s going to destroy the island, and if he doesn’t, he’s going to kill Rose and Bernard right in front of him, and he’s going to make it hurt. What a jerk! Rose and Bernard never hurt anyone. They were too busy having old person tantric sex and making hemp tea. Desmond agrees as long as Locke promises not to touch them ever. Locke promises. His promises are super trustworthy, so no problem, let’s go.
“Do you have any idea where I’m taking you, Desmond?” Locke asks.
“No, brotha, but I’m assuming it’s a place with a very bright light,” Desmond says.
“What makes you say that?”
“Just a hunch.”
That is a great hunch! They are interrupted by the crackling static of a walkie-talkie, and Locke asks what it is when it is so obviously the crackling static of a walkie-talkie. Come on, Locke! Pull your smoke out of your smoke. You’re acting like Jack.
Ben has a secret walkie-talkie, though. Ben, what are you up to? On the other end of the walkie-talkie, it’s Miles, who found Ricardo Alperto, like, 10 feet away from where he was when he got hit by the smoke monster. I’m sure it took all day to find him. It’s a good thing Miles had enough food and water for the journey.
Now that Ricardo Alperto is up and about, he wants to get to the other island and BLOW UP THAT PLANE. Oh Jesus!!!!!! The plane again?! This is something I would expect from a Jack or a Kate, but you, Ricardo? You’ve been alive for 600 years and have some insight into both the secrets of the island and the desires of the Smoke Monster and you are focused on some airplane? Even Miles is just like:
MEANWHILE, in Bizarro LA, things are POPPIN. Desmond pretends to be a funeral director and signs for Jack’s father’s casket while Kate waits in the car. What are you up to, Desmond?! Hurley goes to Charlie’s crappy motel room to convince him to play the concert at the Widmore’s mansion (while Sayid waits in the car), telling him that it’s the most important thing that he will ever do. Hurley is so happy to see Charlie, even though Charlie doesn’t recognize him at all. Maybe he just can’t see through all the mascara.
Anyway, Hurley shoots him with a tranquilizer dart.
Sun is a little sore.
Juliette comes in (JULIETTE! Just kidding, that’s not exciting. I mean, it’s fine, but we knew she was going to show up no duh) to perform an ultrasound, and that is when Sun and Jin FEEL IT.
And now they speak English.
In the same hospital (like I said, STUFF IS POPPING OFF) Jack and Locke prepare for invasive, elective, experimental spinal surgery. Locke asks if Jack is sure the surgery will work, and Jack says that there is always the chance that he could kill him. They both have a good laugh at that.
Laugh it up, laughers. AND NOW BACK TO THE ISLAND.
Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Hurley run into Locke and Ben and Desmond on a hill. More like DRAMA MOUNTAIN. Kate tries to shoot Locke. Relax, Kate. If anyone’s getting shot, it’s you. (I wish.) Locke tells her to save her bullets. And he tells Jack that he expected to be more surprised. “You’re kind of the obvious choice, don’t you think?” SERIOUSLY. Good one smoke monster. Fist bump.
They say some stuff. I don’t know. It’s a pretty good part. You should watch it. You should start with Season 1, though, and work your way up to it, otherwise it won’t make any sense. Jack is going to go with Locke to the magic light cave. He tells Locke that Locke thinks he’s going to destroy the island, but that that’s not what’s going to happen. What’s going to happen is that Jack is going to kill Locke. KABOOM. Locke asks how he’s going to do that, and Jack says it’s going to be a surprise. OOOOOH, A SURPRISE! Neat. Surprises are fun.
Meanwhile, Ricardo Alperto is getting gray hair. So I guess he’s not immortal anymore? Him and Miles take a boat to go blow up the plane (ugh) and who do they find floating in the water? That’s right. They find LAPIDUS floating in the water.
Lapidus! You the man, Lapidus! He is like, you guys, seriously, enough with blowing up the plane. WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING FLY THAT PLANE. Oh man, Lapidus is BACK! They get to the other island and find Claire, but she doesn’t want to leave with them. Because if she leaves the island, someone will make her wash her hair.
Jack and his pals go to the magic light cave and Jack and Locke tell everyone to wait outside because they are going to lower Desmond down there with a rope. Sure. Desmond pulls Jack aside and tells him that none of it matters. He says that it doesn’t matter if Locke destroys the island or Jack protects the island. That he’s going down into that magic light cave and he’s going to go somewhere else. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE HAS BEEN SMOKING TOO MUCH OF ROSE AND BERNARD’S SUPPLY. Desmond says there’s another place and Jack is there and they can all be in love and the plane never crashed. Jack is like “there are no do-overs.” What? Shut up, Jack. You’re not even listening, man. OPEN YOUR MIIIIIIND. I like that Jack believes that he has sipped some immortality water and become the sacred protector of Mystery Island and yet he knows that there are no do-overs? Right.
So they lower Desmond into the cave, and can we just sort of gloss over this part? Because when Jacob said that the island was LIKE a cork keeping evil from destroying the world, I DIDN’T THINK THERE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE A CORK IN THE ISLAND.
The light disappears and it looks like Jack was wrong. And the island is going to fall into the ocean. No real surprise there. I mean, honestly, Jack’s one job on the island was to keep the light from going out. And he failed at that job IMMEDIATELY. But when they get out of the cave, Jack jumps on top of Locke and punches him, and Locke bleeds! “Looks like you were wrong, too,” Jack says. WHOA. But then Jack just sits there while Locke spends some time finding a rock, picking that rock up, and smashing Jack in the face with the rock. Seriously, who is Jack’s boss? Because he should be FIRED.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN BIZARRO LA: Detective Miles is at the Widmore party for some reason and sees Sayid waiting in the car while Hurley drops off Charlie, and so he calls Detective Sawyer and asks him to go speak to Sun in the hospital, not because that’s a convenient way to get everyone grouped together. It’s just really important that Sawyer go talk to Sun because of detective stuff. Even they are just like, “Sure, Sawyer.”
While he’s there, he meets Juliette. (Who is also Jack’s son’s mystery mom NO DUHHHHH). Oh hold on a second. I know that this is the season finale of Lost, an incredibly complicated show filled with loose ends and we only have a few minutes left to explain things and wrap up the saga, but Sawyer just really needs to straighten out his dollar bill before putting it into the vending machine.
Hold on, guys. I know that we really need to get to what this show is all about and what’s going to happen to these characters, but just give Sawyer a second, he really needs to get this candy.
Anyway, at this point people are FEELING IT left and right. Sawyer and Juliette FEEL IT now. And Sayid FEELS IT because Sayid MADE OUT WITH SHANNON IN AN ALLEYWAY.
So Boone was punching Shannon to get Sayid to make out with his sister because they are in heaven? Sorry, hold on. I’m getting ahead of myself. Although, when you do go back through this stuff once you’ve seen the end, you have to start asking some questions. Like WHY did Sawyer need to straighten out his dollar bill? Shouldn’t the vending machines in the after-life accept crumpled dollar bills? And this is the “getting back to that” thing I was talking about in the introductory paragraph, but, like, the very opening shots are of Christian Shepard’s casket being unloaded off an airplane. But no one is there to see it? If the after-life is all the subjective experience of the soul as it works its way towards acceptance, then are there really unattended inanimate objects being loaded and unloaded from airplanes? BUT LIKE I SAID, WE ARE NOT READY YET.
The island is fucking falling apart. Way to go, Jack. He finds Locke on a cliff looking out over the water and they run at each other. LET’S GET READY TO FIGHTBALLLLL!
So, when Jack said that it was a surprise how he was going to kill Locke, the surprise is that he’s going to kill him by punching him? Or is the surprise that he’s not going to kill him at all, because Jack doesn’t kill him. In fact, Jack gets stabbed. Jesus. Jack is almost as bad at not getting stabbed as he is at protecting the island. Which is very bad. Kate shows up and shoots Locke and they push him off the cliff and he’s dead now. That’s it? That’s it. Huh. That was actually kind of easy. Good work, Kate. Now just turn the gun around, shoot yourself, push yourself off the cliff, and we can all go home.
Ben gets trapped under a log? All kinds of stuff is happening! Miles fixes an airplane with duct tape.
Jack stumbles back to the magic light cave and makes Hurley drink water and now Hurley is the guardian of the island? Give me a break.
I don’t mean give me a break about Hurley. Congrats, Hurley. You earned it. But give me a break about Jack knowing how to do that. I mean, seriously, Jack has been guardian of the island for two minutes, he let the light go out, the island is falling apart, and he’s been stabbed. How is he Professor Island all of a sudden? I have a feeling that the only thing that just happened is that Hurley drank some river water and is going to break an axle and die of cholera, because Jack clearly has no idea what the hell he is talking about. But, so, Hurley is the boss of Ben. And Jack goes into the cave and puts the cork (ARGH) back in the island, and the light comes back. HELLO, LIGHT!
Lapidus, Sawyer, Kate, Miles, Claire, and Ricardo Alperto take off in the fucking airplane? Fine. I take it back. I take it all back. The plane was super important the whole time, I’m sure.
In Bizzaro LA, everyone who is anyone is at the concert. And everyone is FEELING IT. Claire gives birth backstage at the show and Kate delivers baby Aaron and they both are just totally FEELING IT. At which point Charlie walks in and Charlie FEELS IT, except wasn’t Charlie the first one to feel it? Why does Charlie look so surprised? Charlie, you’ve been feeling it for weeks! Locke’s surgery is a success, so now he is definitely FEELING IT. And the whole time Desmond is all smiles. Mrs. Widmore asks if he is going to take her son, Daniel Faraday, with him. But Desmond says no. Wait, why not? Isn’t he your constant? Poor Daniel Faraday. Stuck living at his parents’ house for eternity.
The only one who’s not really feeling it is Jack. He shows up at the concert, and Kate is like “Knowing looks,” and Jack is like, “Don’t know anything ever looks.” She takes him to the church, you know, like how spinal surgeons who need to find their children at a concert will stop looking for their children and drive to a church with a total stranger. She says that she’s going inside with everybody and they will all be there when he’s ready. WAIT, READY FOR WHAT?! Oh man, you guys, this is it! Everyone is talking to each other outside of the church, and they are all being so SERIOUS and INTENSE. What kind of party is this? Lighten up you guys!!! Just kidding, you don’t have to lighten up. It makes sense that this is SERIOUS and INTENSE. Appropriate!
Locke forgives Ben. Sadface.
Jack goes inside the church. Relax, Church.
Jack touches his father’s casket, and he finally FEELS IT. But when he opens the casket, CLAIRE’S HAIR AND BONES BABY IS INSIDE! Just kidding. Nothing is inside. But how funny would it be if Claire’s hair and bones squirrel baby was in there? Very funny. But also weird. I guess I’m glad they didn’t do that. It would have been a really different episode. So Jack’s dad, Christian Shepard, is there. (“Christian Shepard, seriously?” — the only decent thing Kate has ever said or done).
And he explains to Jack that everyone is dead.
He says that everyone dies eventually (true!) and that some of them died before him and some of them died after him. But now they are definitely all dead. And it is time to move on. Jack cries. Then it is time to PARTAY!
Jack’s dad opens the door and they all go to heaven.
So, that’s that.
Meanwhile, back on the island, Jack wakes up where Jacob found the Man in Black’s body after he went down into the light and became a smoke monster. He hobbles over to the bamboo and lies down. He’s probably just going to take a nap I bet. Don’t worry guys, he just wants to close his eyes for five minutes. Lapidus’s plane flies overhead. Jack dies. Vincent lives.
Vincent is the best. And this is the end.