Duh Aficionado Magazine: Transformers 3 Will Be Awful No Matter Who Is In It

Late yesterday afternoon, DeadlineHollywood was reporting that Megan Fox had bee dropped from Transformers 3. Speculation was rampant, as speculation usually is, as to why she had been fired, although most people assume it relates to last summer’s press junket for Jennifer’s Body when Megan Fox kept calling Michael Bay “Hitler” and talking about how he sucked at his job. Fair enough. I mean, he does suck at his job, but I can say that because he’s not my boss. If he was my boss I would be like, “You are so good at your job, sir.” And he would be like, “I’m so glad I cast you alongside Will Smith in Bad Boys 5: Badder Boyser. You are a much badder boy than Martin Lawrence ever was.” And then I would bow deeply, and go drive a Hummer through a shanty town, killing all the stupid poor people in it because I have to get to the launch pad before the rocket takes the diamonds into space, or whatever. I haven’t read the script yet, but something like that, probably.

Already by yesterday evening, there were publicized rumors that Gemma Arterton was the front-runner to replace Megan Fox as Shia LaBeouf’s love interest in Transformers 3. That was fast! Although by this morning people are saying that every woman in Hollywood is basically being considered. Congratulations, every woman in Hollywood. I’m sure this is a very exciting time for you. Meanwhile, Megan Fox’s publicity team finally released a statement on her behalf:

From People:

“Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3,” reps for the actress, 24, tell PEOPLE. “It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”

Ha! Right! I mean, come on. That’s not true. I would be willing to believe that an actor would excuse himself/herself from a hugely successful, highly profitable franchise in order to pursue more meaningful projects, but not THIS actor. Sorry. No. I don’t even think Megan Fox decides what kind of vinegar to drink for breakfast, much less to leave a movie. Megan Fox, more like Megan Fired! And also Liar Fox. Good names.

But what no one has been reporting during this media whirlwind is that TRANSFORMERS 3 IS GOING TO BE AWFUL REGARDLESS OF WHO PLAYS SHIA LABEOUF’S LOVE INTEREST. But that is what Duh Aficionado magazine is here for. To report the obvious when no one else will. Isn’t that right, Mr. Haynes?

“No duh.” — Augustus “Gus” Haynes, City Desk Editor, Duh Aficionado magazine (1988-2012)