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Nicolas Cage Only Eats Animals That Have “Dignified” Sex, Because Of Course He Does

Some people think that it is glamorous and luxurious to have a Chocolate Fountain at their fancy party. And they are right. Yum. But when I get rich and successful and it’s my turn to throw a big gala event, I’m going to have a Nicolas Cage Quotes Fountain. You can dip anything in there and it is HILARIOUS. From the Guardian UK:

Nicolas Cage has reportedly revealed that he will eat only animals who mate in a dignified fashion, a dietary preference which apparently rules out pork. According to the Sun, the Oscar-winning actor is happy to eat fish or poultry because their love lives are more decorous.

“I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles,” says Cage, who is currently getting great reviews for his performance as a drug-addled detective in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, a quasi-remake of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 tale of a destructive cop.

Haha. Oh boy. Here we go. But relax, Nicolas Cage, we get it, you have a fascination with animals. You don’t have to name ALL of them to make your point. “I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales, insects, reptiles, puffins, ladybugs, goats, cows, horses — sentient life — frogs, raccoons, and more examples for a long time.” To be honest, I’m much more willing to believe that Nicolas Cage only eats animals that he believes have sex in a “decorous fashion,” whatever the hell THAT means, than I am willing to believe that he is fascinated with birds and whales. No he’s not. He’s fascinated with wigs and bad screenplays.

Anyway, he goes on:

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds.

“But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

Sure, no, yes. It just makes sense. Everyone knows that chickens are the tenderest lovers. (WHAT?) Honestly, what is this man talking about? Unless the animals are having sex IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU ARE EATING THEM, what does it matter how they make love? He doesn’t even mention beef, so I suppose he finds cows’ sexual congress to be so distasteful to as not even be worth mentioning. Unbelievable.

Just kidding, believable. It’s Nicolas Cage, bitch! The guys down at the docks call him Old Wig Glue because that’s what made him funny. (Thanks for the tip, @longlivemufasa.)