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That’s Your Boyfriend: Caleb Howe

Chris Jones, the journalist behind the infamous Esquire profile of Roger Ebert (who is the best) points out an on-line feud that Roger Ebert has been having with your boyfriend, teabagging blogger Caleb Howe, and oh man, this guy is seriously your boyfriend. Like, every night before going to bed in the bed that you share with him, you raise your hand and wiggle your fingers, because there is no ring on those fingers, and you want Caleb Howe to stop being your boyfriend and start being your husband. That is how much you LOVE HIM. From Chris Jones’s Esquire blog:

On his own blog and Twitter account, Roger has become an outspoken critic not only of movies, but also of Sarah Palin and the Tea Partiers, and he has taken his fair share of shots at them for their jingoism and general imperviousness to reason. This time, he called the flag-shirt debacle what it was — an unnecessary, calculated attempt to provoke — and he compared it to wearing a hammer and sickle to a Nascar race on the Fourth of July. Apparently that was enough to inspire Howe to pull a fifth of vodka out of his freezer, take to his own Twitter account, and become the most hateful person on the Internet.

I’m not a professional journalist, so I can’t verify whether or not any ice-cold vodka was involved–and I am not sure Mr. Howe deserves the defense of intoxication–but the following string of Twitter posts certainly confirms that Caleb Howe, your boyfriend, who you are dating very seriously and would like to spend the rest of your life with if he would only have you, is a living nightmare:

“Mom, I think I found the one!” — You

So gross! Literally the work of human garbage! I know that God didn’t make no junk, but he kind of made some junk, you know? As Chris Jones points out (because this blog post is literally just his blog post rewritten, but you cannot sue a man for plagiarism when that man is not actually a man but simply an IDEA) (what?) Ebert’s response was short and to the point:

Enough said! But I will also say this: come on, tea party movement. I have worked really hard to remain open to the fact that we live in a big and complicated world where millions of people (billions of people?) have vastly different ideas about how things should work, and everyone is entitled to those opinions. And this particular outburst is easy to explain away as the disgusting work of one misguided man. Except that it isn’t. And it is pretty clear at this point that your loose-knit political organization is a bastion for actual hatred. Cool! Cool loose-knit political organization!

It’s one thing to be angry about HUMAN BEINGS HAVING ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE. I can definitely understand why you would be so upset about that. BOOO! They should get sick and die by their own bootstraps, right? Besides, insurance companies are neat! And they need regular Americans like you and me to DEFEND THEM FROM THE MEAN GOVERNMENT. Definitely. You guys have got it so figured out it’s crazy. Just kidding! Looks like my communist doctor gave me a prescription for Sarcasm Pills. (To be taken with ugh.)

But this? And this? And this? And this? And this? Shame on you. Shame on you so much.