Glee S01E18: RuKurt’s Drag Race

Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, this episode was awesome. I really liked it. There’s a pattern here: every third episode or so is a suck. A more intelligent blogger may conclude from the pattern of awesomeness and terribleness displayed on Glee that the show is such a massive production that it probably has two or even three showrunners on staff, each with a different take on what is awesome and what is terrible. That intelligent blogger would probably just Google that thought, and then see if they were right or wrong, and which showrunner’s taste they like. Then they’d see what else they’ve done, and get excited about which upcoming episodes are made under that good person’s watchful eye. Not me: my hands are busy (none of your business), and my brain is already full of useful info (did you know that if Jennifer Garner was a drag queen her name would be Neutrogena Normalness?).

This episode started off with Puck shaving his disgusting Mohawk off, because when his mom was washing his hair for him (JEW), she found a mole that she was worried was cancerous. The mole turned out to be nothing, but without his signature ‘90s ‘do, the army of dorks at McKinley that Puck usually terrorizes isn’t so scared of him anymore. The brain in his tits is like “oh no!” because he loves being scary to dorks, so he devises a scheme to get popular again. Mercedes, to whom he refers in his thoughts as “that black girl from Glee,” is enjoying all sorts of popularity after her X-tina-ing at the pep rally, so Puck decides that she’s his ticket.

Puck needs to start dating Mercedes, and then everyone will be afraid of his pecs again, Mohawk or no Mohawk. Mercedes isn’t having Puck’s initial advances, as genius as some of them are (or as racist as the rest of them are). My favorite of Puck’s pickup lines: “I’m like a sex shark, if I stop swimming, I die.” LOLOL, so many rows of sex teeth.

Rachel is suffering from Gleexhaustion—she’s been vocally carrying everyone in the Club for far too long and her big beautiful Jew voice can’t take it anymore. She bugs the practice room with tiny microphones and figures out that no one else even sings during rehearsal anymore, because they are so over the fact that she and Jesse get every solo.

Schue’s helmet can’t stand the news that bitches are being lazy on his watch, so he gives all the Gleetards the assignment I’ve been waiting for them to get since I first heard this dumb show even existed: everyone needs to sing a solo that represents them as a person. Simple enough! Great setup for an awesome episode: everyone gets a number where they sing their guts out—it’s about fucking time. Didn’t really pan out that way, but the fact that there was even a possibility that Brittany the Perfect was going to be solo-ing-out to “I Need a Hero” or some shit was enough to keep me watching this episode.

Rachel tries to sing a solo about how much she’s struggled to reach the top of the pile of something, “The Climb” “by” Miley Cyrus. But, a couple wonk-ass notes into it, she (and everyone else, besides Brittany the Perfect who thinks it sounds AMAZING and beautiful) realizes she’s lost her voice! OH NO! RACHEL’S LOST HER VOICE! WELL, NOT LIKE LOST LOST IT, BUT IT’S OFF KEY, AND WEAK KIND OF!

Kurt’s dad shows up at school and Kurt’s all “yaaaay me love flower petals, hi dad!” but his dad is really there to see Finn. Kurt’s dad is taking Finn to a baseball game in the middle of the school day, because Glee. Kurt doesn’t like that one bit, so he decides that if his dad will only hang out with hetero teens (and apes), Kurt’s gonna go str8 and win his daddy’s <3 the hard way. H.O.T. I’ve seen a couple of pay-per-view documentaries online along those lines, and it goes pretty well each time.

Well, it isn’t exactly Kurt’s idea to go str8. Sue Sylvester is all pissed at Kurt for missing practice after his dad hurt his feelings. So, Kurt opens up to her about it—about how his dad is having a hard time accepting that he’s gay, and Sue’s like—how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never even been with a guy OR a girl? (Dan Savage is rolling over in his grave right now.) So, Kurt rushes home (en pointe) and gets into his best str8 drag: a flannel, a puffy vest, boots, and a cocked baseball cap. He also decides that the solo song that suits his new persona best is “Pink Houses” by John Cougar Mellencamp. LOLz.

Rachel has tonsillitis, and the doctor wants to chop her throat up to get those tonsils out. But she’s all: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What if she never sings again?! She won’t go through with the surgery, and gets some antibiotics instead. Finn’s with her at the doctor, because the hand soap in the restroom smells like bananas and he just wandered in from across town. But, then he’s like “why isn’t your boyfriend here?” and Rachel’s like “he’s on vacation” (instead of “he dumped me”), and Finn’s like “monkey care more for Rachel than Jesse do.” Then Finn sings “Jessie’s Girl” with all of his monkey-might, and it’s pretty fucking perfect.

Last week, I was aaaall sorts of down on the musical numbers, because I wanted them to be more like this: “Jessie’s Girl” is a terrible joke of a song from everyone’s collective memory, but when Glee gets its tiny Minnie-Mouse-gloved hands on it, shakes it around in a plastic baggie full of glitter, and dumps it on the floor all proud of its art and crafts project, it becomes a wonderful number about unrequited interspecies sex-wanting. Beautiful. Finn and Rachel are the new Romeo and Juliet of beastiality, and when these two kill themselves it’s gonna be soooooo pretty.

Puck is also ready for his big solo, and he’s chosen “The Lady is a Tramp” by Sammy Davis Jr. because Sammy was a black Jew like his babies with Mercedes might be (literally). I’m not much for Jazz standards (big surprise), but Puck does his best with this one, and Mercedes is pretty impressed by it, and even joins in at the end with some jazzy dance moves and a whole lotta screamin’. Man, she is so good at screaming.

Kurt decides she’s ready to go next, still in man-drag. She queefs out “Pink Houses” by Mellencamp, which is an awesome song, but not-so-Kurt. Everyone’s like “whaaaaa?” especially Schue who thinks Kurt misunderstood the assignment. Brittany the Perfect, however, is dripping wet from the performance.

I love the joke they kept making this week where Brittany loves all the bad numbers. LOLOL, of course she does. She decides she wants a ride on Kurt’s butterfly print magic carpet from Urban Outfitters and makes him an offer he can refuse but doesn’t:

”You’re the only guy in school I haven’t made out with, because I thought you were capital-G gay. But having a perfect record would really mean a lot to me… So, let me know if you wanna tap this.”

So, Kurt the Drag King and Brittany the Perfect head back to Kurt’s lair to make out and listen to French music by candlelight, but are interrupted by Kurt’s dad. It’s a beautiful scene, with plenty of choice jokes. Here are my two favorites:

Brittany the Perfect talking sexy: ”Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.”

Kurt’s dad’s explanation for walking in on them: “when I saw a sign on the door that said ‘do not enter under any circumstances, I’m making out with a girl,’ I thought it was the start of one of your murder mysteries.”

In a way, it was…

Mercedes is enjoying her newfound being-used-ness, so to celebrate, she sends Puck to get her a Frappuccino. But the celebration doesn’t last long, because Santana is pissed that Mercedes is hogging all the pec meat in town. She confronts Mercedes in the best way ever: she duets “The Boy is Mine” by Brandy and Monica with her. Something went haywire in the sound-mixing booth, though, because Santana’s vocals totally overpowered Mercedes’ which makes NO SENSE at all. Not to say that Santana can’t sing (she’s goooooood! (she’s fine)), I was just waiting for Mercedes to hit a boil like I knew she wanted to. Santana is pretty as fuck, and did you guys know she’s only 23?! Also, then she calls Mercedes “Weezy,” as in Weezy Jefferson I guess, which is literally not cool.

Anyway, “The Boy is Mine” is, again, a cheeseball song for retards (one of my FAVZ), as much of a “joke” as “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” but in this glorious episode it’s performed as a full-on number, and not as a “hey, are you guys seeing this?!” dumb-dumb break for idiots like last week.

Rachel’s no-singing has turned her into an insomniac cat lady, and Finn’s worried. So, he takes her to meet his friend from football camp, who was paralyzed from the chest down doing what he loved. The dude was so upset about being paralyzed that he tried to kill himself, but now that he’s made peace with his situation, he’s found that he’s good at other stuff—like math and singing. Rachel is Gleespired.

Mercedes’ popularity has rubbed of on Puck, and he’s back to his old ways—picking up dorks with his chest-strength and hurling them into dumpsters. She’s not into that, and not into the whole damn thing anymore, so she dumps Puck and quits The Cheerios. Then, instead of singing “Shake it Off” by Mariah Carey like I was screaming at the TV for her to do, she sings nothing, which is insane. Here’s “Shake it Off,” to make shit right:

Kurt and Brittany the Perfect are parading around school holding hands and being a couple. Another genius Brittany the Perfect line:

”Your hands are soft … really soft, like a baby. Now I know what it’s like to date a baby!”

Kurt’s dad comes back to school, this time to take Finn out for hoagies? Kurt can’t fucking TAKE IT anymore—he’s been holding in his period for almost A WEEK now, and still his dad is more interested in Finn than him. Kurt’s so werk’d up that he FINALLY throws on a sheer Thomas Wylde neckerchief and sings a number from the <3: “Rose’s Turn” from Gypsy–with some lyrics changed to be more about him and his situation.

“Rose’s Turn” is one of garlickiest songs to ever belch on Broadway, and even STILL, this number, performed and produced as if it was just part of the show, gave me zero douche-chills. “Ice, Ice Baby” from last week: eat your motherfucking heart out.

Kurt’s dad is so moved by his Gleeformance that he realizes what he’s done—he couldn’t see the forest for the Aggrocrags or something—so he apologizes for spending too much time with Finn. He loves Kurt, and wants him to be himself, it’s just the whole thing about how much Kurt’s DNA wants him to suck on dicks all the time takes some getting used to. I’m such a dumb sucker for Kurt and Kurt’s dad scenes. Weeep.

Rachel’s got her voice back, after taking a vow of silence that would have been hilarious to see, but we don’t get to. She goes back over to Finn’s paralyzed friend’s house to say thanks, and to offer him voice lessons, since he loves to sing and can’t move. Finn’s paralyzed friend is shirtless, and asks Rachel to hold his cold, dead hand. There was some pretty awesome and unexpected sexual tension between them, no? If I’m the only one who felt it, lemme know, I should bring it up at therapy next week. I’m just thinking: this dude could be the perfect victim for Rachel’s vagina. Ugh that would be soooo genius.

Rachel gives her corpse-y maybe-boyf his first singing lesson—a “classic rock” song (was that them being ironic? I LITERALLY couldn’t tell): “One” by U2. I snarfed my Coke Zero SO HARD when they called U2 classic rock. Wow. Whether or not they were kidding on purpose, that was the funniest joke of the night, hands down. Rachel’s corpse-y maybe-boyf has an adorably weak and off-key voice, and their duet eventually turns into a fully-produced imagination-number with all of the Gleetards dressed in ADORABLE denim outfits from J. Crew’s fancy men’s shirting line. I love that song, and I loved this number. Unfortch, the recording for the album doesn’t have the a capella opening with paralysis-stud, which is a shame.

What’s fucked up is it’s the last number of the episode, so even though they PROMISED that everyone would get to sing a solo, they didn’t deliver. M’oh well. Also: they kept teasing us that Mercedes was going to sing Whitney Houston, and then just had her sing backup on a bunch of other bitches’ shit? I know I didn’t miss a number, did I?! How rude!

Next week looks incredibly chronic, with Neil Patrick Harris playing Schue’s nemesis. LOLOLOL, I ALWAYS kiss my nemesis on the lips all night long! Mmmm, my nemesis and I are always kissing on the lipz.