Wait, really? REALLY? We are two episodes away from the series finale of Lost, with time to explain any of the remaining mysteries running out like Dharma donuts in the hatch pantry when Hurley’s put on guard duty, and this is what we get? We are two episodes away from the series finale of Lost, with an entire episode dedicated to the eternal (and awesome) struggle between Jacob and the Man in Black, which could help to explain what the island is, what either of them wants, why any of this is happening, and this is what we get? Sheeeeeeeesh. Hey, Allison Janey, why don’t you bash MY face in with a rock while you’re at it!!!
So, a pregnant woman washes up on shore. In the jungle, she runs into White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg, who is definitely giving her a normal look the way people just always look at each other:
They speak some Latin or something to each other. It is hard to tell with C.J. Cregg’s thick American accent. Fair enough. Her job is to put a public face on the President’s political agenda, not speak dead languages with native intonations. And, much as the two women quickly and easily transition into English, so too will I quickly and easily transition into not making any more lame C.J. Cregg jokes. The woman gives birth right away, naturally, and it is a boy! She will name him Jacob. But wait! There is more babbys formed in her body! Twin boys! But she only had one name picked out. Jacob and the Baby in Black!
Allison Janey is like, “I’m sorry for bashing your face in with a rock,” and bashes her face in with a rock. Let this be a lesson to all of us: if you are ever pregnant and ship-wrecked on an abandoned island, always have a second name picked out, just in case you’re carrying twins, and always wear your helmet.
Allison Janey is the mom now, dawg. It is hard raising two children as a single mom on a paranormal island in the 1300s! One of them wears black clothes and one of them wears white clothes, which seems like a lot of work for two growing boys who are just going to need all new sets of black and white metaphor costumes every three months. One day, the Baby in Black finds a game on the beach. He asks Jacob if Jacob wants to play, and Jacob is a real pussy about it. Eww, I think I hate Baby Jacob? To be fair, I also hate the Baby in Black. They both need to get haircuts. It is, like, 1532.
The Baby in Black tells Jacob not to tell Allison Janey about the game because she’ll take it away, but he goes back to Home Tree and immediately tells her. What a NARC. She finds Baby in Black on the beach and tells him that Jacob ratted him out, but that it’s OK because she left the game there for him to find, and she tells him that he is special. Wait, WHUUUUUT?! We have always been led to believe that Jacob is the special one! Oh my God, everything is topsy turvy!
Everything is going pretty great on the island, but then one day when Baby Jacob and the Baby in Black are out hunting boars with their spears, they see men. THE OTHERS! And they stole their boars! They run back and tell Allison Janey and she immediately blindfolds them and leads them into the jungle. “Mom, no offense, but you’re being super weird.” She explains that they can never hurt each other. Well, not so much explains as just says. “You can never hurt each other. The end.” Oh OK, FAIR ENOUGH. What? At some point she is also just like, “You guys will never die.” The end? I’m glad we cleared that up! She shows them a magical cave filled with wonderful light.
And explains that the reason they are on the island is to protect the light because all men have light inside of them, but they want more.
The next day, Baby Jacob and the Baby in Black are playing their game, which has rules that the Baby in Black made up (“maybe one day you’ll find a game, Jacob, and you can make up the rules” and that is how Hungry Hungry Hippos was invented) when he sees his dead mom. Baby Jacob can’t see her, though? Baby in Black excuses himself, which is probably really hard to do on a secluded magical island where you live with just your mom and brother. “I’ll be right back…I forgot my…fish…in the…cave.” Ghost Mom leads him to the Others’ camp and explains that she is his real mom and that Allison Janey smashed her face with a rock, and that Baby in Black is actually a human being from across the ocean, and that is where his home is. Oh, Baby in Black is so pissed.
That night, he tries to get Baby Jacob to leave with him, but instead, Baby Jacob tackles him and punches him in the face A BUNCH of times. But I thought Jacob was the good one?! He is always wearing white clothes!!!!!!!! Baby in Black leaves to live with the Man People, and Jacob sits on a log and looks out at the ocean. Allison Janey is like “will you stay with me, Jacob?” and Jacob is like “not only will I stay with you, but I will hold your hand,” and I am like, “gross,” and the island’s Department of Social Services is like, “if only we existed!”
CUT TO: NOW THEY ARE MEN.
The Man in Black has been living with the Others for 30 years now. Jacob still visits him. What is Jacob’s deal? Get a personality, dude. The Man in Black thinks people are jerks, just like mom said, but he does love digging wells. And he has finally found a way off the island…magnets? Something to do with magnets, I think. These guys, obviously, know what the Man in Black is talking about.
That night, Jacob, or as I like to call him, NARCob, tells mommy that the Man in Black is finally leaving the island. So the next day, she goes to visit him in his hole, and he shows her that he has found some of the wonderful light, and he is going to PUT A BIG WHEEL IN THAT LIGHT. What? Allison Janey says goodbye, and then bashes his face into a wall.
Man, Allison Janey really loves crushing heads. There is only one person who loves crushing heads more than her, and he won’t be born for hundreds of years:
Allison Janey takes Jacob back to the magical cave of wonderful light and tells him that he has to be the guardian of the island now, but he doesn’t want to, but he has to, but he doesn’t want to, but he hast to. Ugh, when does Jacob get good? The ’90s? Can we just skip to the ’90s when he gets cool? He thinks that she’s making him do it because he’s all she has left, but she explains that it was always supposed to be him, which she sees now. Hindsight smashy-smashy with this one. Allison Janey makes him drink the wine, and he drinks the wine, and so now he is protecting the island. And then she makes him promise that he will never go down into the magical cave of wonderful light. “What’s down there?” he asks. “Life, death, rebirth,” she says. “It’s the source. The heart of the island.”
“Would I die?” he asks. “It would be worse than dying,” she says. “Much worse.” You know, for someone who is going to die in a couple of minutes, and seems to know it, she sure plays her cards pretty close to her vest. Oh, but so, yeah, she dies. The Man in Black wakes up and his well has been caved in and his head hurts from getting so smashed and the Others’ camp has been burned and he is just like, ARGHHHHHH.
He goes back to the cave and destroys the loom (oh no, not the loom!) and stabs Allison Janey in the back. As she is dying, she thanks him. Wait, why is she thanking him? And why is he able to kill her if he’s not able to kill Jacob and no one can ever die? And why can’t he kill Jacob? And why can’t they ever die? You know what, I’m not worried about it. I have supreme confidence that all of my questions will be answered in the final two episodes of this show. I’m sure that the creators are just pilling a dozen more mysteries on top of the hundreds of remaining mysteries at the very last minute so that it is so fun and exciting when literally everything is explained next week in 44 minutes. (I’m a SARCASM MONSTER.)
It turns out that Jacob haaaaates when his mom is murdered. He tackles the Man in Black again and punches him a bunch again. Then he drags him out in the jungle and throws him into the magical cave of wonderful light, Augustus-Gloop-in-the-chocolate-waterfall-style. He’s stuck in the pipe! Oh wait, no, he’s not stuck anymore. But that’s worse than dying! We were told! In a really torturously uninformative way! Smoke comes pouring out of the magical cave of wonderful light and so now the Man in Black is a smoke monster, whatever THAT means.
Jacob finds his brother’s body in the jungle and lays him out in the cave along with his mother’s body and also a pouch filled with white and black stones. So his brother is dead? The smoke monster is something else entirely, but sometimes takes the shape of his brother’s body? Oh, also, there are flashbacks to Jack and Kate and Lock from the first season finding skeletons in the cave. Those skeletons we know see belonged to Allison Janey and the Man in Black. So what? I feel like this show is nothing but a ragged, sweaty pile of loose ends, but then every once in awhile gets really diligent about wrapping up mysteries no one cares about. “Oh, so that is who the skeletons in the cave in season one I forgot were even there and definitely never cared about in the first place were. Huh!”
So now Jacob guards the island. But he is kind of a jerk? And the Man in Black is dead. But he’s also a smoke monster? Move over Yin Yang Twins, make room for the Yin Yang Twins.
Sometimes I want to beat THIS SHOW up.