Gossip Girl S03E21: I Hope Everyone On This Show Gets Hit By A Boat Next Week

Jenny is grounded! In Brooklyn! She’s not even supposed to use the phone! So it’s going to be slightly more difficult than she had originally thought to crack an incredibly illegal fake prescription drug ring organized by Serena’s estranged father in order to Gaslight Lily into divorcing Rufus and getting the old family that was never a family back together again for the first time. Luckily, she has Chuck’s help. He has given Lily’s fake Oxycontin that was actually antibiotics (haha, what?) to his “personal pharmacist” (haha, what?) who is trying to determine what the pills are and whether or not they are bad for Lily. Haha. Uh….no offense to Chuck’s PERSONAL PHARMACIST, but a) you can figure out what pills are pretty easily by looking at the name that is printed on the side of them, or by looking them up in The Pill Book. And b) yeah, I’m pretty sure fake pills prescribed by a nefarious doctor who is clearly violating his hippocratic oath are BAD for her. Like, maybe the pills themselves are benign, but they are fake nightmare pills from a melty-faced criminal. They’re bad! Did I solve the case? Case closed.

Oh, there’s still another hour of this show left before someone has to go to jail? Whatever.

Rufus comes over to talk to Lily and Serena tells him to leave, and everyone is basically like, yeah, we think Serena is probably right. What? For one thing, Serena is 19 years old. And for another thing, she’s an asshole. I wouldn’t listen to her advice about WHAT TO ORDER AT BALTHAZAR, much less how to handle MY MARRIAGE. Also, she has piled all of Jenny’s things by the door? And Lily I guess is just like, no, yes, that makes sense. “It’s totally reasonable of you to treat the belongings of a girl who is legally my step-daughter and who lived under my roof until two days ago when I got mad for no other reason than that it helped move this plotline forward, as if those belongings were garbage.” Cool. Cool family.

Serena says that Rufus should leave before she calls the downstairs neighbor. Rufus says he has nothing to hide. So the downstairs neighbor comes upstairs and is like, yeah, Rufus and I definitely had sex. Oh, and she says this in front of Eric, Serena, and Dan. Because when you are a corrupt psychiatrist (hahaha) who is magically and conveniently under the thumb of a nefarious Palm Springs doctor trying to drug his family into loving him, you definitely will just say whatever in front of children, because it’s important for them to know. Rufus says he didn’t sleep with her, but who are you going to believe? Your lame but obviously faithful husband, or some stupid woman who just showed up? Lily wants a divorce. Or some space. Or something. To be honest, much like her children, I pretty much zone out whenever Lily is talking.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair and Nate and Dan and Jenny are all on the case. CRIME BUSTERZ! Long story short, they solve it. And then they have a super normal conversation about it. Just a classic conversation like human beings are always having together.

“This is just well written.” — David Mamet

I do love that the evil plot involved prescribing antibiotics whose side effects MIMICKED THE SIDE EFFECTS OF HAVING FUCKING CANCER. Unbelievable. This show is basically Fringe at this point. Jenny, though, tips off William about those darned kids discovering his plot, because she wants him to win, because she wants her family back. Fair enough. The Van Der Woodsen family does suck. Even worse than the Humphrey family somehow, which is crazy, because the Humphrey family sucks sooooo much. Back at the penthouse, William insists that he would never prescribe Lily fake oxycontin that was actually antibiotics that mimic the symptoms of cancer (ahhahahaahaahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahha) and says “do you want me to prove it? I have the files downstairs in my bag.” HE HAS THE FILES DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BAG! Quick side question: why do you carry sensitive medical records around in your bag? And I have a follow-up: why is your bag downstairs?

The answer is that he doesn’t have the medical files in his bag downstairs. That was just a ruse so that he could QUIETLY RUN AWAY INTO THE NIGHT. Fooled again. The old “medical files in my bag downstairs” con. Serena follows him (somehow?) to A HELICOPTER AIRPORT and tells him that she loves him. Yeah. Which part do you love about him most? The part where he hasn’t been a part of your life at all ever? Or the part where he secretly perpetuated the idea of your mom’s fatal cancer in order to ingratiate himself back into your family? Ooooh, or the part where he blackmailed a psychiatrist into lying about an extra-marital affair with your stepfather in front of children? Then Serena is like, “if you go now, I’ll make sure they don’t come after you.” Uh, what? How? William gets into a taxi, and the police drive right on by. PERFECT GETAWAY.

So now Serena is going to start fucking Dan again? While he is legally her brother? And Nate is going to fuck Jenny again while she is legally the worst? And Chuck gives Blair a corny LOVE ULTIMATUM based on a movie from 1957 and/or 1993 but in either case LONG BEFORE EITHER OF THEM WERE BORN? Who cares. I hope everyone on this show gets hit by a boat.

Next week: the series finale, as far as I am concerned.