Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

Earlier this week, on a small, unassuming post about a movie trailer, a commenter named nakedpainter posted about contemplating suicide. This turned into a fairly serious thread in which other monsters urged nakedpainter not to hurt herself and to seek help. Needless to say, I, and everyone at Videogum and Stereogum, took this situation very seriously. Because so many of you have sent concerned emails asking if nakedpainter is OK, I would like everyone to know that I was able to get in touch with her, and although she is still obviously in a dark place, she is doing better now. She also wanted to thank the entire Videogum community for their outpouring of support during her moment of crisis. So, that is great news. While Videogum is not, because it cannot properly be, a useful resource in combatting chronic depression and its dangerous effects, I am glad that we were able to help in this case. And I would urge anyone who feels alone or in trouble not to try and solve the problem on your own. There are people and places in this world that can help you, even if it sometimes doesn’t feel that way.

Yikes. I guess we’re still going to do this? Even after all that? So, after the jump, the five Highest Rated comments of the week, the Lowest Rated comment of the week, the winner of the Real Housewives of New Jersey caption contest, and the Editor’s Choice:

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 werttrew | May 5th Score:101

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about two months ago. She had a mastectomy to remove a tumor in her left breast.

She’s been going through chemo and her hair started falling out. My wife is a hairstylist, so last Friday we came over to cut my mom’s hair in the kitchen. Mom sat down on the chair as my wife plugged in her clippers.“Tell me something funny, please” my mom said to me. I held her hand and said something lame but she laughed anyway. I kept talking to her and soon her hair was all gone. She looked like my grandfather without it. Her eyes were kind and sad and she still looked beautiful.

She then showed us her wig and the scarves she had bought to wear around the house. She had me take pictures as she modeled each one so she could e-mail to her family (She can’t be bother with Facebook). She thanked me and my wife for coming over and hugged me real tight before I left.

Love you, mom.

Posted in: Gabe And Max Wish All The Moms A Happy Mother’s Day
#4 KajusX & Chainsaws | Apr 30th Score:106

You spelled ‘what’ all sorts of wrong.

Posted in: Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

Cory Butcher | May 4th Score:112

We should still put her down just to be safe.

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Tyra Banks
#2 An American Patriot | May 3rd Score:122

LOOK, STEVE. I FUCKIN appreciate YOUR EXISTENCE. ALRIGHT? The fact that WE CAN ALL HAVE some lawnmower world WHERE WE log on and EXPRESS OUR THOUGHTS AND feelings is great. AND IT’S OKAY to have different OPINION. IT’S fine! THAT’S WHAT makes AMERINET fuckin BADASS! BUT THERE comes a point WHERE YOU GOTTA look yourself IN THE mirror AND GO “HOLY FUCK what is my deal?” BECAUSE HOLY fucking donkey BALLS DUDE WHAT is your deal?

I get that YOU MIGHT NOT like shit and THAT YOU EVEN think Lost is fuckin TERRIBLE. FINE! I GENERALLY find your comments BORING AS ALL hell and unnecessary BUT HAVE never felt the NEED TO say shit UNTIL now. I KNOW you have a FOLLOWING on here, and there’s PEOPLE THAT DON’T like me. HOWEVER, THE time has FUCKIN COME for me to seriously ASK WHAT THE hell kind of enjoyment do YOU GET OUT OF this shit? YOU’RE NOT even original trolling! IT’S fuckin LAZYTOWN over here.

You HAVE STARTED to cross the LINE RECENTLY though when YOU FUCKIN insult the shit OUT OF people. YOU’VE EVEN thrown DS3M INTO a goddamn frenzy (WHICH, GRANTED, MAY NOT be that HARD BUT shit). WHY THE fuck do you have TO HATE ON a goddamn dog?


IT’S A fuckin dog, AND IF you honestly FEEL THAT part of your day dictates THAT YOU log on to here ONLY TO post HOW MUCH you dislike this DOG AND EVERYONE that thinks THIS DOG IS FUCKIN awesome, then I have no idea WHAT TO EVEN SAY. REALLY. LIKE YOU leave me at a lost FOR WORDS WITH that kind of fuckin pointlessness. IT’S FINE to want to contribute to THE CONVERSATION, AND DO SO with differing opinion, but you’re JUST A DICK. YOU’RE just a dick WHO LIKES TO log on to here and PISS PEOPLE OFF for no reason. SO YOU’RE fuckin out, SON.

I’M SORRY that you live the FUCKIN SORRY ass life that you MUST LIVE. I REALLY hope things pick the FUCK UP FOR you so you can FIND BETTER SHIT to do.

Your friend,

An American Patriot

Posted in: The Birdie Report: Hi, Birdie!
#1 paperstreetsoap | Apr 30th Score:126

“That Nick Madson is a thief is undeniable. Maybe, I thought, he’s a truly struggling actor, and did this show because he needed money, and feels bad about it. Or maybe he’s one of those deluded souls, like columnist and commentator Mike Barnicle (who lifted the majority of an August 2, 1998 Boston Globe column unchanged from George Carlin’s book Brain Droppings) who truly think that stand-up comedians get their jokes from books, and that any comedy bit is somehow public domain.

But then I find out that one of the other comedians on the show confronted Madson about the bits. And he said, in effect, “I write for Patton, and Louie, and Dave. I wrote those bits”.

So fuck him.”

- Nick Madson

Posted in: America, Meet Your New Joke Thief: Nick Madson

Ed. note: If I had to pick a Monsters’ Ball column that really demonstrated the breadth and depth of the community, it might be this one! Because this week’s highest rated comments really run the gamut! You’ve got one-liners and elaborate call-backs. You’ve got werrtrew’s touching comment about his mom, and AmericanPatriot’s semi-insane but ultimately pretty rational excoriation of Steve Winwood. It’s like the United Colors of Benetton. Except not a clothing line. And not weirdly exploitative of fractious race relations in order to sell clothing. Just Internet comments. But, like, different kinds? You get it.

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comments

#1 garbage_face | May 3rd Score:-81
Hey guys, I thought we were going to give ME the lowest votes this week! What’s wrong with you?!?
Posted in: The Birdie Report: Hi, Birdie!

Ed. note: This is the first week in awhile that Steve Winwood hasn’t taken the Lowest Rated Comment award (haha, “award”) but this was actually a response to Steve Winwood in order to draw away his downvotes in some kind of “take back the downvotes” protest of his strangehold on being everyone’s least favorite. So in a sense, he still basically wins this week’s Lowest Rated Comment. You’ve done it again, Steve Winwood!

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

Mans | May 4th Score:77

Tila Tequila’s Gossip Blog Forced To Downsize Staff

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Contest: The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Ed. note: Congratulations, Mans. You earned it!

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

platinumtoothbrush | May 5th Score:15

Why won’t Gabe let Betty White be great?

Posted in: Betty White, An Elderly Woman, Hosts Saturday Night Live This Weekend

Ed. note: Everyone needs to RELAX. As far as I am concerned, Betty White can do whatever she wants, and more power to her. She is a grown woman. She is literally as grown as women get. But this is not about Betty White and has never been about Betty White. It is about how the Internet is obnoxiously self-satisfied with its absurdist ruses. You know what else has never been about Betty White? THE INTERNET’S OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT OF BETTY WHITE. (And don’t even bother posting a “You Mad” photo because I’ve already done it for you.)