A Real-Life Birdemic In West Palm Beach

Look, I’m not going to lie to you, because we are all adults and adults treat each other with respect. The local news report that I have posted after the jump, while great, doesn’t get that much better than this still frame (via WarmingGlow):

HAHAHAHA. EVERYBODY SEEN THE BIRD SAY YEAHHHHHH! Birds are definitely the new Leprechauns. Definitely. So, like I said, that is the highlight, and you are under NO OBLIGATION to continue reading this post and watching the full news clip (unlike most posts in which it is law that you read the whole thing and watch all the videos otherwise the judge will be like “CONTEMPT!”) but I will be honest with you for a second time now and let you know that if you don’t watch the video you will miss a bunch of middle-aged women doing dramatic re-enactments of what it was like when they were attacked by a bird while walking their dogs. So. Be smart.

As a dog owner myself, I find this news to be TERRIFIYING. Can you imagine? You’re just walking your dog down by the nursing home wearing your favorite outfit from Filene’s Basement and some bird flies near you? Did you know they are related to dinosaurs? THIS IS BASICALLY A DINOSAUR ATTACK!

But why are these visibly shaken women lying so much? Like, I find it very hard to believe that Ellen Levy remembers exactly what year The Birds was released off the top of her head without any hesitation. And I’m sorry, Jeanine Magaro, but you did not THROW YOUR COFFEE INTO THE AIR.

Please, ladies. We are all empathetic with the LIVING NIGHTMARE that your lives have become, but don’t undermine your own inspirational stories with these embellishments. We cannot defeat the bird by giving up our moral center! Or our coffee!