Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.
WOAH! Wait, what? Woah! Woah! Oh… Wait. What? What? Woah, hold on. Hold up. Wait. What? Wait. Wait a second. What? WOAH! WOAH! WOAH! Wow. Wait, hold on, what? Oh! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. Ew! What? EW! EW! Wait. Woah, what? EEEEW! Stop! Stop it! Wait, what? EW, STOP! STOP THAT! EW, is it on me? IS IT ON ME? YOU GUYS, IS IT ON ME?! Ew, get it off! Is it on me? WHAT?! WHAT?! YOU GUYS?! Oh, wow! Oh, okay! Ew, okay! I think we all just got Glee’d?
This week, Glee decided that it had done too much of being fine, and that it was time to be the worst instead for a while. Everyone who is fine gets to be the worst for a little bit, as a break. It’s a rule? Instead of being blissfully self-aware and a ton of fun to be around, this week’s episode climbed right in your lap, mouth all full of hummus, and screamed the word “fun” in your face. It stunk, it was annoying, and it was a waste of hummus.
The episode starts out with the Gleetards watching a video that Kurt’s stolen from Sue’s locked desk. It’s Sue singing and dancing along to “Physical” by Olivia Newton John. Everyone thinks it’s the funniest damn shit they’ve ever seen, so Finn posts the video on YouTube. Everyone in school sees it within an hour or so, and Sue becomes a huge laughingstock.
Sue takes Schue to Principal Figgins’ office to rat his ass out about the video, and also drops another bomb: she’s found something called ‘The Glist,’ which is a list that ranks members of the Glee Club by hotness (on a scale of 0 to 0, I guess?), which is inexplicably posted in the hallway of school, as if anyone would give a Glee. Quinn’s the hottest, Rachel is the not-est (LIES: Mike, Puck, and Santana are tied for hottest, and also everyone’s the not-est). Principal Figgins gets super pissed at Schue and tells him if he doesn’t figure out who’s behind The Glist and put an end to it, he’s ending Glee Club for good. Apparently, Figgins needs to pretend that he hates when children are sexualized, otherwise someone will make him stop flat ironing his chest hairs.
Schue tells the Gleetards they better come clean, and everyone pretty much guesses that Puck’s rock-hard titties are behind The Glist. One nipple held the paper steady while the other scrawled out the rankings. Puck denies that shit, and Schue’s like “you bitches need a new attitude.” And then, instead of singing “New Attitude” by Patti LaBelle, he gives the Gleetards an assignment: take a song which by today’s standards is a joke (like them), and then “rehab” it performance-wise into something that is awesome. Simple? To show the Gleetards what his convoluted-ass homework even means, Schue does a full-on “Ice Ice Baby” performance, with everyone else on backup. And then I joined Al Qaeda. Because I was done. Done with the whole fucking thing.
You know, I thought one day Glee would let me come around on Schue. Fuck, I kind of thought it was going to be last week when I went OUT OF MY WAY to pay Matthew Morrison a compliment on his singing during the Burt Bacharach-a-thon. I was like “oh, I kind of liked that,” and someone heard me and was like “OH YEAH? DO YOU LIKE THIS? DO YOU LIKE THIS THOUGH? WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF? WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF? WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF?” and made the poor douche rap again! I’m sorry Matthew Morrison! I’m sure under all that horseshit you’re swimming in right now you’re probably a totally nice person. I’ve seen a bunch of pictures of you online with no shirt on, and you seem like you’re probably SUPER nice! Like, really, really nice.
But that fucking number was the first of a bunch of numbers where Glee didn’t follow its own assignment this week. Instead of “rehabbing” “Ice Ice Baby” into something awesome through a unique or novel performance of it, they just served it up on a paper plate exactly how you remember it, all the while giggling to themselves about how funny and clever it is to be singing that song at all. They were like: can you believe we’re doing this?! And I was like: nope, can you stop? And they were like: too late, made you look, hehehehehe me funny. Ew. I’ll spare you all the insult, here’s “New Attitude” by Patti LaBelle instead:
Everyone in school’s laughing at Sue, even the teachers–the same teachers she’s been tormenting for years, and even a new teacher whose first day it is. The new teacher is named Brenda Castle, and she’s played by Molly Shannon. Brenda transferred to McKinley from some other state because she’s a drug addict? I’m a little fuzzy on the details, so much vom in my eyes and ears.
Kurt, Tina, and Mercedes are all pissed because they weren’t even on The Glist—their sexy asses got left off completely. Obviously the author of The Glist was a blind person with crippling jealousy issues. The want revenge. Oh, and Brittany kind of joins their gang of uglies, even though she was toward the top of The Glist, because while they’re talking, they realize she’s sitting there, tripping on cold medicine and being perfect.
Sue is so upset about everyone laughing at her that she seeks solace in her one true friend, her retarded sister Jean. Spending some time with someone with a mental handicap gives her an idea: she should fuck with Emma. So she does. She tells Emma that she knows Schue’s been “cheating” on her with April and MILF Rachel, because Sue has nanny cams set up in Schue’s “apartment.” Emma is devastated, and Sue talks her into confronting Schue in the teachers’ lounge. Emma calls him a slut like ten times, and Schue’s like ‘huh?’
Rachel decides to kind of seduce Puck into singing a duet with her for the idiotic assignment. She thinks if she manufactures some rumors about herself possibly cheating on Jesse, her Glist ranking will improve. Tina, Mercedes, Kurt, Brittany, and Artie also try to artificially improve their Glist rankings by pulling a naughty stunt—singing in the library, like a bunch of real badasses. They put on super-authentic MC Hammer costumes and sing “Can’t Touch This” in the library during school hours.
It’s horrific, with poor Artie doing all the rapping this time, and the rest of them just dancing on tables and shit. Ew, yuck, it was horrible, except obviously Brittany The Perfect is suuuuuuper good at the dance. Like, insanely good at it. But, instead of coming off as badasses for disrupting the quietness of the library, the librarian thinks it’s adorable and invites them to perform at her church.
Ruining Emma’s life didn’t give Sue all the good feelings she hoped for, so she turns to her diary. Usually when Sue writes in her diary, it’s the funniest shit ever. This time, not so much. She’s interrupted, however, by a call from Olivia Newton John, who’s seen the YouTube clip and wants to remake her famous “Physical” video with Sue.
Kurt’s still desperate to be a bad boy with a higher Glist ranking, and he figures the only way to do it is to get credit for posting the video of Sue on YouTube. So, he gets all brave and tells Sue he’s responsible for it, but she’s not pissed anymore, because her dreams have magically come true thanks to the video. Then we see the remake of “Physical” with Sue and Olivia Newton John—another mouth-full-of-hummus “ISN’T THIS HILARIOUS” moment.
Then it’s time for Rachel to debut her new music video—a shit song called “Run Joey Run,” which she’s turned into a short film, with Puck, Finn, and Jesse all sharing the male lead role. It’s the trying-too-hard-est musical number of the whole show, Lea Michelle doing her best to act even campier than she would when she’s just being Rachel (good luck!), Puck mugging all sexually at the camera like he’s a beautiful lady, and some producer insisting on “super funny” camera tricks and editing transitions, just in case anyone forgot this was supposed to be a piece of shit.
Jesse, Puck, and Finn are all pissed at Rachel for lying to them—they each thought they were the only ones who were going to be in her nightmare movie that made no sense and no one shot and why does it exist.
Sue’s remake of “Physical” is some sort of hit, or something, and she makes some money off of it. So, she decides to donate all of it to Jean’s nursing home. She goes and tells Jean, and then some writers decided to add some maaaaajor tardsploitation moments into an already offensively horrific episode (if it’s already broke, make it worse and air it!), with Jean saying shit like “I’m duh smaaaaht one.” Oof.
Schue tries to make nice with Emma, but the Devils in her brain won’t have it. She puts on her bravest personality from Sybil and tells him to fuck off, kind of, or at least that she now knows who he really is: a physically-fit actor under contract to do humiliating shit in front of millions of people for some money. Schue’s feelings are hurt, and on his way to Rap Class for Assholes he sees Quinn. He’s like “I’m as sad right now as she must be, having been knocked up and dumped and kicked off The Cheerios,” and like a bolt of lightning (did I say ‘lightning,’ because I meant ‘nonsense’) he realizes that she’s behind The Glist.
Quinn cops to The Glist, with tears streaming right past her foot-long eyelash extensions as if they were Louisiana levees. It’s kind of ridic that they’d have Quinn be responsible for The Glist—sure she’s sad and everything, but c’mon, the person who made The Glist is supposed to have ‘GleeClub’ as their password to use school computers (the one hint we were given early in the episode), and there’s no fucking way Quinn’s password is GleeClub. Quinn’s password is either ‘PuckJizz’ (easy to remember because it’s what she has for breakfast) or ‘FinalSolution’ (because according to the writing on Glee she’s kind of Nazi-level anti-Semitic). Schue is moved by Quinn’s sorry-ness, so he doesn’t turn her maybe-still-pregnant-I-literally-can’t-remember ass over to Figgins, he just makes her promise to stop The Glist, because it’s bullshit anyway and why did it ever even happen?
Jesse dumps Rachel for being musically promiscuous. He says he “gave up everything to be [her] one and only,” one of the worst lines I’ve ever heard on TV, and in case you haven’t figured it out, I only watch garbage. Rachel’s super <3broken about it, which is a good thing, because at the end of the episode we finally get an AWESOME number in true Glee style, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” with Rachel on lead and Jesse, Puck, and Finn on “turn around, bright eyes.”
It’s a joke song (to some, I happen to think it’s literally gorgeous) which they “rehab” into something awesome by performing the shit out of it. It fits seamlessly into the plot, the vocals are on-point and gorgeous, and no one takes a hummus break in the middle of it to ask you if they’re pretty. Why couldn’t the whole episode be like this? Why? It’s the only number worth sharing, so here ya go:
Glee really fucked around on this episode, and I hope they at least had fun doing it. What’s weird is that they ALWAYS choose kind of joke/shitty songs to sing, and do them up so well that it’s fun to watch. Do they think their ‘signature’ hit “Don’t Stop Believing” is any less of a joke than “Can’t Touch This”? Have they ever been to a bar before? Frat dudes sing along to that song like it’s “Baby Got Back,” and by taking it Gleeriously, they were being kind of awesome, in a jokey way. I don’t know, you guys, I’m pretty disillusioned.
But, it looks like next week Kurt fucks Brittany?