Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. At first I was upset because there was no new episode last week and it was the longest two weeks of my life (just kidding, we’re talking about a TV show, and life is for the living) but now I am upset because MY TWO BEST FRIENDS HAVE DIED. Just kidding. I’m not friends with characters on TV shows, I’m friends with actual human beings! And tiny dogs! But still. Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeez. Couldn’t they have just killed Michael again? ANYWAY. We begin in the Bizarro LA hospital, where Jack has just finished performing emergency surgery on Locke after Desmond smushed him with his car. Jack is doing what all surgeons do: standing over his patient as he lies sleeping in his recovery room, waiting for him to wake up so they can chit-chat. That’s why spinal surgeons get paid so much! When Locke wakes up, Jack tells him that he has been looking over the charts from his original injury, and he thinks he can perform an experimental surgery on him that will get him out of that wheelchair. Because he thinks he’s A CANDIDATE. For surgery. A candidate for surgery. Locke declines. Bizarro Jack spends the rest of the episode trying to figure out why Locke won’t let him try and save him. Uh, I can answer that for you right now, Jack: because Locke doesn’t want to end up having to MARRY YOU to help assuage your guilt! (Get it? Call back to season whatever.)
Locke’s bizarro fiance walks in, and Jack, a professional spinal surgeon through-and-through, gives her the grossest hug.
So bizarro Jack goes to visit Locke’s old…dentist? To see if he can take a look at the records from Locke’s emergency dental surgery? To figure out why Locke doesn’t want spinal surgery now? That seems incredibly convoluted, not to mention invasive, and also probably illegal! Good luck, Jack. Of course, when he shows up at the dental office, the dentist is wearing a mask. WHO IS BEHIND THAT MASK!
Just kidding. It’s not Dr. Giggles. It is Bernard!
When they realize that all three of them were on Oceanic Flight 815, Bernard decides that Jack might be onto something with this whole wanting to perform an expensive and risky elective spinal surgery on a complete stranger to satisfy his own egotistical pride in his godlike powers to save people’s lives, and explains that Locke was brought in for emergency dental surgery with someone else. OOOOOOH. His name is Anthony Cooper. OOOOOOOOH. It turns out to be Locke’s dad. OH.
Hi, this lady!
So, I guess in the bizarro-verse, John Locke’s dad didn’t throw him out of a window after a messy long-con to steal a kidney. Or…he did throw him out of a window, and then he threw himself out of a window to tie up loose ends. NO WITNESSES. Anyway, the good news is that no one in all of Los Angeles needed spinal surgery all week, so Jack has plenty of time to pursue this insane investigation as deep into another man’s personal life as he would like. It’s also helpful that his son is staying with his mother all week. Or is home alone. The point is: JACK, WHERE IS YOUR SON?
Jack goes back to the hospital and stares and Locke while he sleeps.
Uh, Jack? Jack? Are you OK? You guys, I’m worried about Jack. Locke talks in his sleep about pushing buttons and “I wish you had believed me.” Jack is annoyed because none of these things are what he wants to hear, which is “Please do your wonderful surgery on me Mr. Jack, I want to get up out of this chair and dance with you.” Claire shows up at the hospital looking for Jack, and for some reason they do not rush her straight to the delivery room for an emergency c-section because she appears to be ONE MILLION MONTHS pregnant. Instead she is there with a music box that her/Jack’s dad left her in his will. She wants to know what it means.
Jack doesn’t know. Does Jack ever know? You don’t know, Jack! (Yuck.) Jack invites Claire to live with him. Uh. Claire is like “I don’t even know you,” and Jack is like, “Don’t worry, I’m a total creep.” Claire is like “smile.”
MEANWHILE BACK ON THE ISLAND HOLY SHIT GET READY FOR THIS.
Jack wakes up in a boat. Locke is gone, but Sayid is there, polishing his guns. They are on Hydra Island. Cut to: Widmore has taken Sun and Jin and Kate and Sawyer hostage and is going to put them back in the zoo cages. Oh no, not the zoo cages! That’s where Juliette’s sweater of sadness is, or whatever. Sawyer gets the drop on one of the guards, because once he got out he vowed never to go back to zoo jail, but Widmore pulls a gun on Kate before they can escape. He explains that he has a list with four names on it: Hurley, Kwon, and Sawyer are all on it, but Kate isn’t, and he can kill her if he wants. “Don’t listen to him,” Kate says. Yeah! Don’t listen to him! But Sawyer listens to him (ugh, Sawyer is the worst ALL EPISODE) and they go into the cages. Despite all his rage, Sawyer is still just a rat in a cage. The island is a vampire. He tells Kate that he had to surrender because how in the magic name cave Kate’s name was crossed out. Haha, she is pissssesd. Sorry, Kate! The island has DEFRIENSTERED you.
Lapidus, of course, knows that his name isn’t on any lists, but he’s used to it at this point. What’s up, Lapidus!
Locke asks Jack to help him rescue his friends. Jack asks why he should trust Locke. Locke says it’s because he could kill any of them anytime he wanted to but instead he has saved their lives. Right. There is nothing like super-intense, super-creepy NIGHTMARE THREATS to build a bond of deep trust. In any case, the power goes off at the zoo, shutting down the anti-smoke monster pylons, and the smoke monster shows up and kills some dudes, and Jack rescues everyone from the cages. Fair enough, I guess. Although, to be completely honest, Jack is taking this whole teaming up with a fucking SMOKE MONSTER and abetting in his MURDERS pretty casually.
“No biggie. Let’s go!” — Jack
They race through the jungle to meet up with Locke at the airplane. Now, admittedly, I have never been stranded (for the second time) on a magical time-jumping tropical island filled with shape-shifting smoke monsters inhabiting the bodies of my dead friends, but why does every single adult on this show accept this plane nonsense outright. “Oh we are definitely escaping with a smoke monster on an airplane.” Locke has already gotten to the airplane and snapped a dude’s neck.
And stolen a wristwatch.
You know how paranormal immortal shape-shifting smoke monsters are: PUNCTUAL. When everyone shows up, Locke explains that the airplane was rigged with explosives and Widmore wanted them to get on the airplane to blow everyone up. So they should take the submarine instead. Huh. That was a pretty quick ABOUT FACE considering how many weeks Locke wouldn’t shut the fuck up about this AIRPLANE BULLSHIT. But now everyone is like “we are definitely escaping on a submarine with a smoke monster.” Jack isn’t going, because he feels that he needs to stay on the island. But he is going to help them use guns to kill other human beings to get onto that submarine and STEAL IT. Good person, Jack. Very nice person. Sawyer explains his secret plan to get rid of John Locke: “Get him in the water, and I’ll take care of the rest.” Wait, what? That is your master plan? DUDE IS A SMOOOOOOKE MOOOOOOOONSTERRRRRRR. At the very least, you have to explain what “I’ll take care of the rest means.”
Oh, by the way, it turns out that it doesn’t mean ANYTHING.
They get to the submarine, and everyone is running to the submarine, and it looks like it’s going to be pretty easy to escape on the submarine! Oh good! That was so easy! Los Angeles, here we come! I’m going to get an In-N-Out Burger! Locke and Jack are bringing up the rear, and Locke asks Jack who told him that he needed to stay on the island. “John Locke told me,” Jack said. And then BOOM. And then SPLASH.
It is kind of a great moment. Except that shoving Locke into the water was only the first step in Sawyer’s two-step plan. Remember? Hey, Sawyer, what’s the second part of your plan? You know, the part where YOU TAKE CARE OF THE REST? Oh, no time for that now, Sawyer is in the submarine, shouting nonsense. Whoops! Good plan, Sawyer. It could have worked, too, if Sawyer hadn’t dropped the ball, because while Locke is clearly super good at turning into a giant amorphous smoke monster, he is not as good at climbing out of the lake.
And then, finally, blessedly, in a rare act of charity, someone shoots Kate.
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.
For some reason, they pull Kate’s body onto the submarine and everyone is in the submarine now except for Locke and Claire, and Sawyer yells “DIVE!” because that is what we all know you do on a submarine, and the submarine dives, and Claire is like “PALS!!?!!” and Locke is like “Don’t worry, Claire, you don’t want to be on that submarine.”
Wait, what? Why doesn’t she want to be on that submarine? Jack is trying to save Kate (Let her go, Jack! She’s gone!) and asks someone to get some gauze or something from his bag. But his bag doesn’t have gauze in it. Just bombs. Ah, OK. See, you guys! What did I tell you? “Oh, this smoke monster who is the embodiment of pure evil inhabiting the body of our dead friend is definitely telling us the truth and wants to escape the island with us on a submarine!” GROW UP! And I knew that a smoke monster didn’t need a wristwatch. I knew it! Hey, is Kate dead yet?
So, there is some arguing over what to do about this whole bomb thing. Sayid explains how to defuse it, but it sounds pretty tricky, plus, you know, it’s a bomb.
It’s too bad the part of Sawyer wasn’t played by Dame Jeremy Renner, because then none of this would even be an issue.
Jack frantically tries to explain that the bomb isn’t going to go off because Locke can’t kill them, and that maybe his plan all along has been to get them to kill each other, because it’s only with all of them dead that he can escape the island. Whoa. It turns out Jack isn’t an unshaven bag of dumb after all! But Sawyer refuses to listen to him, and pulls the wires. Fucking Sawyer. He should seriously stick to giving people countryfied nicknames, and leave the hero business to the heroes! So, now the timer is going so fast. And Sayid tells Jack that Desmond is in a well and that he is going to need Desmond. “What?” Jack says, as usual. “Because it’s going to be you, Jack,” he says. (“It was always you!” he says in my imagination.) And Sayid grabs the bomb and runs deep into the submarine. And then all the telephones in the world ring in unison.
Wait, so does this mean that when Sayid was brought back to life in the Temple and everyone thought he was evil, that he actually was good masquerading as evil? And people had to think he was actually evil in order to force him onto evil’s team so that he could do good? But you’d think Smoke Monster would be kind of sensitive to those kinds of shenanigans. And speaking of Smoke Monster and his rival, the Ghost of Jacob sure got quiet. He was so chatty at the beginning. Hurley couldn’t get that guy to shut up! Oh, whoops, sorry, look at me going on and on while THE SUBMARINE IS SINKING!
And what happens next, well. You know. Frown Town. Sun is trapped by some metal. Jack sends Hurley out with Kate, while he and Sawyer and Jin try to rescue Sun. Then Sawyer gets hit in the head by some shit. Just leave him, seriously. It’s his fucking fault. Jack and Jin try to out-hero each other.
Finally, Jack takes Sawyer, and Jin stays with Sun. Forever.
Oh, and bye, Lapidus!
Chill to the end!
Back in Bizarro LA, Jack finds Locke, who is wheeling himself out of the hospital, and explains that he spent days and days and days prying into Locke’s private life in order to try and convince him again to get some surgery he doesn’t want. Cool. Mr. Cool Doctor.
“Thanks, doctor. You’re the best.” — All of Jack’s Patients
It turns out that the multi-verse accident that crippled Locke was a plane crash (A PLANE CRASH!) that he caused, which also caused his father irreparable brain damage. Aww. So he doesn’t want the surgery, because he doesn’t want to forgive himself for what he did. But Jack wants him to forgive himself, because Jack can’t forgive himself, and it’s all fine and well, but when is someone going to FEEL IT?! WHY ISN’T ANYONE FEELING IT?! Locke wheels away. Jack stands there like a dope. Oh well. Where’s Desmond? Desmond, you’re going to have to hit everyone with your car again.
Back on the island, Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Hurley have made it to the beach. Everyone asks Jack where Sun and Jin are. As usual, no one asks about Lapidus. R.I.P. Lapidus. Maybe you will get more respect from the angels. (Hey, here’s a quick question: where is Miles? He is with Ricardo Alperto, right? Well where are they?) Anyway, Jack tells them that Sun and Jin are gone. And then the acting begins.
Acting aside, it is sad! Sun and Jin! (And Lapidus! Never Forget!) Admittedly, it was a little weird how in a moment of incredible crisis, when they were about to die together in a tragic accident (and willingly orphan their child?), they refused to stop practicing their English. “I love you! May I have an Orangina?” Look, if you’re going to spend the money on the Berlitz tapes, you have to make the effort. Meanwhile, Locke is staring out over the water. He knows that the submarine has sunk, and that some people are dead. But not all people! Claire asks him where he is going. “To finish what I started,” he says. BUT HOW DO YOU FINISH BEING A JERK?
Next week: A Jacob vs. The Man in Black episode? So, the best kind of episode?