An Imaginary Letter From A Make-Believe Parent Regarding Miley Cyrus’s New Music Video

To Whom It May Concern,

I am outraged, OUTRAGED, over the new Miley Cyrus video, as I believe all (make-believe) parents should be. We work hard and make sacrifices on a daily basis so that our children can grow up to be intelligent and mature human beings that we can be proud of in a complicated and confusing and dangerous world. And this is what Hollywood feels is appropriate for young eyes and minds? UNACCEPTABLE!

For one thing, it is stupid. She’s supposed to be some kind of giant bird?

How is some stupid giant bird supposed to threaten my child’s moral core? Go ahead, BE A BIG STUPID BIRD. And then she’s dancing in a museum? Museums are great for children! I’d probably LIKE IT if my child went and danced in a museum. Can you imagine? A parent liking the message of a pubescent sex idol’s racy new video?

Even worse, this is not sexy at all. When I was a burgeoning adolescent, I would watch racy music videos with my finger on the remote, ready to change the channel the second a parent walked in the room. Now, as an imaginary parent myself, if I were to walk in on my (imaginary) child watching this, (s)he would probably change the channel too, but not out of fear of retaliation or a lecture, but simply out of embarrassment for watching something so lame. “I’m sorry I disappointed you, mom/dad,” he/she would say. “I”m sorry that I have such terrible taste.”

And please don’t pretend like this is scandalous because of Miley Cyrus’s youth or former career as a children’s television icon. Anyone who has been paying attention knows that she has been having experimental intercourse for years.

Teenagers are SUPPOSED to be interested in things that they’re nervous or ashamed about. They are supposed to have secrets. But this is just boring and annoying. I’m pretty sure those choreographed dance moves were copied from a Christina Aguilera video from 12 years ago. And what kind of message does that send to our (non-existent) children, huh? It tells them sex is boring, and outdated, and features awkward-looking child-bird-monsters.

A rare miss, Hollywood Negative Message Machine.

A Make-Believe Parent Gabe Just Made Up

P.S. I have attached a copy of the video to this letter, for your records.