Roman Polanski, Child Rapist, Breaks His Legendary Silence

Roman Polanski, who 33 years ago drugged and sodomized a 13-year-old girl (not necessarily in that order), has FINALLY broken his legendary silence regarding the recent renewed interest in his case. You can read the full statement he released to the press here, but I have taken the liberty (a liberty I maintain by not drugging or raping children) of selecting a few key phrases:

I have had my share of dramas and joys, as we all have, and I am not going to try to ask you to pity my lot in life. I ask only to be treated fairly like anyone else.

Sure, whatever that means. If you ask me, Mr. Polanski has been treated about as fairly as anyone else who has also been accused of and admitted to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year-old girl in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub and then spent more than 30 years living in exile from the United States of America while simultaneously flaunting his special status by continuing to make films, living a life of luxury, traveling freely and unjailed, and beginning a family free from the psychic trauma of having been raped as a child. If anything, up until this point, he has been treated TOO fairly.


I can remain silent no longer because for over 30 years my lawyers have never ceased to insist that I was betrayed by the judge, that the judge perjured himself, and that I served my sentence. Today it is the deputy district attorney who handled the case in the 1970s, a man of irreproachable reputation, who has confirmed all my statements under oath, and this has shed a whole new light on the matter.


I can no longer remain silent because the United States continues to demand my extradition more to serve me on a platter to the media of the world than to pronounce a judgment concerning which an agreement was reached 33 years ago.

Oh boy. I mean, I can definitely understand how this might be frustrating, especially to someone who’s self-confidence and worldview allows for the drugging and sodomization of 13-year-old girls, but when it comes to the legal ramifications and punitive obligations, arguing “we had a deal” doesn’t seem like that strong of a defense? But I’m not a lawyer. Or a child rapist. So what do I know?

I can remain silent no longer because I have been placed under house arrest in Gstaad and bailed in very large sum of money which I have managed to raise only by mortgaging the apartment that has been my home for over 30 years, and because I am far from my family and unable to work.

Right. OK, just to clarify, so that we are all on the same page, child rapists and non-child rapists alike: you are under house arrest in a fucking GORGEOUS CHALET in the SWISS MOUNTAINS and you were able to pay your bail by mortgaging an apartment that you OWN that must clearly be worth MILLIONS, and when you refer to being unable to work you are talking, of course, about the work of MAKING MOVIES WITH MOVIE STARS IN THEM AND THEN GOING TO AWARDS SHOWS, right? I just want to make sure that when Mr. Polanski demands to be treated fairly like everyone else, that we all recognize he has a point, because of how this is definitely just regular everyday life as we all know it.

Even with the child rape aside, what an asshole! And then you throw in the child rape and it’s just like, SHEESH.