Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.
WHOOPISES, hope everyone took a shot of insulin for breakfast, because Mommy is SWEET on this episode of Glee y’all! And, what’s weird is this shit broke two of my cardinal rules for Glee goodness: current pop music only and shut up Schue. But, rules were meant to be broken, hearts were meant to be melted, dreams were meant to cum true, and Glee was meant to amazing (amazing= camptarded, saccharine, homosexual garbage repurposed for mass consumption with a couple funny lines and a song or two I’ve forgotten to listen to for 27 years and might still hate but now I’m brainwashed, so who knows). Also: Rachel got a break from being Holocausted for a week, which is nice.
The episode started off with Sue demanding that Mercedes lose a thousand pounds in a week, because some reporter is coming to McKinley to do a story on her coaching perfectness for a cheerleading magazine. See, Mercedes is too beautiful to fit into her new Cheerios costume, and has opted to wear a Cheerios top with track pants (“I’m just worried about showing too much skin and starting a sex riot”). Sue’s not having that shit, and puts Mercedes on her own special Master Cleanse—the same Master Cleanse you’ve read about online with chili powder and lemon juice, only Sue adds Ipecac, so bitches don’t keep it down. Class. Sound gross and abusive? Britney has a suggestion from Heaven: “sometimes I add sand,” which reminds me of one of my VERY FAVORITE jokes evsies (@ 0:51, “Dust? Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody?”):
Sue’s got the auditorium on lockdown for her Cheerios to rehearse all week—those bulimic cheer-monsters better be perfect by the time the reporter comes on Friday. So, Schue and the Gleetards are shit-out-of-luck in the rehearsal space department (and the personality department, but that’s a different post altogether). Those dorks are gonna have to find somewhere else to rehearse their imagination-singing-with-full-on-production-value, so Schue takes his helmet to the streets in search of a queer-friendly padded room with handicapped-accessible toilets.
Schue dorks his way into a roller rink in town where OMG April “Kristin Chenoweth as Jerri Blank” Rhodes just happens to be the drunk whore in charge. Schue tells April about his Gleedicament, and also that he’s single, and also that he needs a subletter to take over his “apartment” (why does he keep calling his suburban split-level HOUSE an apartment?), and April tells him that she’s fucking a 1,000,000 year old millionaire. Then, they skate around singing “Fire” by Bruce Springsteen (but if you’re anything like me, you know this as a song by The Pointer Sisters and The Pointer Sisters ONLY):
And now for the REAL VERSION:
Now, you know how much it pains me, right to the balls of my heart’s junk, to say this: but Schue fucking nailed the living shit out of that song. Ugh, his the-worstness took a major vacation during this week’s recording sessions, and it turns out that when you don’t make him rap or dance like he’s horny and proud of his horniness, Schue is pretty much the best male vocalist in history (sorry George Michael (call me)). His helmet looks like Pauly D’s. Ah, now I feel better.
Kurt’s set his dad (from Nickelodeon’s Guts) up with Finn’s mom, because they are both single due to spousal death. Seems like a sweet and caring move, until it’s revealed that this whole romance is just a pawn in Kurt’s epic homo-crush on Finn, who is a chimp. Kurt’s big plan is to have his dad fall in <3 with Finn’s mom, then get to move in with Finn, share a room, and live out an extended taboo incest roleplay for years and years and years against Finn’s will (H.O.T.). I knew I loved that kid.
Finn’s not so ready to move on from his dad’s ghost, but Kurt figures he just needs a little convincing. So, in front of the whole Glee Club, Kurt soprano-queefs “A House is Not a Home” by Dionne Warwick (and popularized by Luther Vandross) right into Finn’s ape mug, maintaining 100% eye contact the entire time. The other Gleetards are like “whaaaaaaaaaa?” but Finn’s moved as fuck, and even sings a bar or two in his imagination to his dad’s favorite leather chair. When this shit was happening on my TV, my jaw was on the floor, and then all the drool in my face welled up in the bottom part of it, and the weight of that drool and jawbone crashed through my hardwood floor, and ended up in the basement, and then my eyes bugged out and broke the windows, and my heart stopped, and my brain had an orgasm, and all my neighbors decided to move back to their hometowns, and my landlord called and said I owed her another security deposit and that I had to move out and go to jail. This number was absolutely the most avant garde, insanely homosexual, cinematic, self-aware, Broadway-esque number in Gleestory to date. I literally can’t believe it aired. Kids are gonna start coming out of the closet in 2nd grade. Senators are gonna start 69ing on the Senate floor (instead of the men’s room). Gay marriage is legal. Matt Damon’s gonna call me and be like “I love you the way you love The Bourne Supremacy. Shit’s gonna HAPPEN. Hulu was too chicken shit to put it online, so here’s the pirated audio (even Finn’s part is gr8):
The number ended with a glamour shot of Kurt crying a single tear. Beat that shit, the rest of TV.
April decides she wants to sublet Schue’s “apartment,” but first she wants to test it out and “get to know the ghosts.” So, she comes over for a slumber party with Schue, and no doyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy, they end up singing a mashup of “One Less Bell to Answer” by The 5th Dimension and “A House is Not a Home” and then sleeping together but not fucking. The song was pretty chronic, and again, Schue sounded great!
Almost as great as this version of the exact same mashup from a Burt Bacharach special with Barbra Streisand singing the duet by HERSELF:
Kurt, Finn, and their single parents go out to dinner, to try out being a family before the big move-in. Finn’s a little grumpy, until the dude from Guts talks to him about sports, and he’s like “MONKEY LIKE SPORTS.” Kurt throws a cunt-fit out of attention-jealousy, and decides he doesn’t want his dad to go through with it after all, even if that means he’ll never get to give his brother a secret blowjob in his sleep like he’s always wanted to.
Mercedes’ starvation experiment has made her delirious with cake-wanting, and during lunch, she hallucinates that her friends are delicious food, Bugs Bunny style, and then passes the fuck out.
In the nurse’s office, Quinn, whose baby I literally can’t remember what happened to, comes and tells her about the fucked-up-ness of anorexia. I <3 Quinn, let’s give that bitch a number, yeah? I know she was a little over-exposed in the first half of this bizarre double-season, but, the girl is good, and you’re already blowing 80% of your budget on her eyelash weaves, so why not make good on your investment? Anyway, Quinn tells Mercedes that she’s beautiful just the way she is, and that anorexia is for assholes. Then I cried a tiny bit, but pretended it was something wrong with my contacts, even though I’ve never worn contacts.
Schue convinces April that she’s too good to be fucking the old billionaire she’s fucking, and Kurt convinces Finn to try and break their parents up. April’s like “you’re right” and Finn’s like “me swing in tree.” Finn’s mom is NOT impressed by his desire to keep her miserable for life, and serves him some truth-emotion about how she needs to move on from her dead husband and be happy. Poor woman admits to taking the urn of her hubby’s ashes to bed with her every night for the last 16 years (KINKY), and ends up playing the whole confrontation super sad and desperate, instead of empowered and fuck-you-y. It was weird and good. Bravo!
The reporter shows up to do a piece on Sue, and turns out to be a hard-nosed Pulitzer runner-up who just happens to freelance for Splits Magazine (CUT! TOO REALISTIC!). She’s all worried that Mercedes’ fatness is going to ruin her rep, but when Mercedes strolls out to start the big pep rally and breaks into “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera with the ENTIRE SCHOOL singing backup, well, the reporter is impressed as fuck and gives Sue all the credit for being so PC and love-y. Mercedes’ number is NO DOY incredible and perfect, predictable a song choice as it is: her voice is SHARP and CLEAR and POWERFUL and VIRTUOSIC. Christina’s voice is all those things too (no doubt), but it has such a different quality to it, and I don’t have the musical knowledge to describe it in correct terminology. So, here’s how I’ll put it: Mercedes’ voice is a katana, Christina’s voice is a baseball bat, and they’ll both fuck you up MAJORLY, but in different ways. Take a listen:
Also, since you love mashups so much, Glee, this woulda been a PERFECT opportunity to throw in some “Dirrty”—don’t plant the seed of a Mercedes-led sex riot in my idiot brain and NOT deliver. That is a hate crime.
Kurt’s dad Burt and Finn make peace by watching sports together, and Finn even tells Burt to sit in his dad’s favorite leather recliner, right next to his urn of ashes (H.O.T.). Kurt watches the whole thing through the picture window and sobs. LOLOLOLOLOL, c’mon!
April dumps her ancient fucktoy, and the shock of it gives him a stroke and he dies. He leaves her a couple milli in his will, so she buys the school auditorium and gives it to the Glee Club as a permanent rehearsal space. Then she says she’s moving to New York to follow her Broadway dreams of putting on an all-white production of The Wiz which is a fucked-up and genius joke, the end. Oh, no wait, then they all scream “Home” from The Wiz at the same time, led by April.
All in all, a triumphant return from last week’s Madonna-thon. I didn’t think an episode with so much Schue-singing and so much Burt Bacharach music (LIE! I love every song that asshole ever wrote) could be good. Instead, it was gr8 times a trillion. Suck it, taste-havers!!!!