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Gwyneth Paltrow Manages To Find A Way To Tolerate Her Children

Gwyneth Paltrow has taped an episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show that won’t broadcast until Thursday, by why wait two days when we can make fun of her now! First of all, she wants more kids, which is not a thing to make fun of. People are allowed to want more kids, even jerks. But what would she name her next child? That’s where we can have some fun. Smoothie? Bullocks? Bullocks Paltrow Coldplay. But also, why does Gwyneth Paltrow talk about her children like they are sensible pieces of furniture? From People:

“I would love to have another child at some point. I feel very, very lucky that I have two healthy, nice ones,” the Shakespeare in Love Oscar winner and Iron Man 2 star tells Ellen DeGeneres on The Ellen DeGeneres Show airing Thursday.

Two “healthy, nice ones”? What a good mom! You can always tell a good mom when she discusses her children the way most people would describe their pets. And not good pets, either. Even a cat or a dog would get a more elaborate and loving description. You know, like fish. Or ferrets. Bad pets. And then, of course, there is this:

“[Tantrums are] part of [having children],” says Paltrow. “They’re kids and they have to do what they have to do. You just have to wear earplugs sometimes.”

How often does she plug her ears? “I started to with all these toys that makes noise, instead of smashing the toys when I haven’t slept and, like, lose my mind,” says the mother and actress. “I just put on headphones or earplugs.”

Kids will be kids, and Gwyneth Paltrow will be Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I know that being a parent is hard in a way that people without kids can’t imagine, or whatever. And I’m sure that there are plenty of perfectly decent people out there who go to even greater lengths to find some peace of mind amidst the noisy, smelly, exhausting chaos of raising children. But those people don’t go on national TV and talk about it like a bunch of assholes, so. Shut up, Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh wait, she can’t hear me. SHUT UP, GWYNETH PALTROW! Better. (Thanks for the tip, Yael.)