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Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

What a week! This guy knows what I’m talking about. I wonder what Stephen Baldwin has planned for the weekend? Probably going to pop into the tattoo parlor, make a couple more open-ended bargains with teenagers. “Hi, I need a tattoo of Taylor Lautner’s face on top of my face. He said if I got it, he would let me do a cameo in a local commercial for the real estate agency that he’s going to run in 15 years when this whole acting thing blows over.” Videogum recommends never making tattoo deals with teenagers! And if you are going to make a tattoo deal with a teenager, get a lawyer to read over it. Let’s all have a safe, tattoo-deal-free weekend, you guys.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of this week’s Betty White hot dog eating Caption Contest, and the Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 Notsewfast | Apr 20th Score:77
Posted in: Introducing Videogum’s New Mascot: Birdie
#4 That One | Apr 22nd Score:81

“For Christ’s sake, Michelle, cover up. Where do you think we are, The Sizzler? You look like a goddamn whore.”

Posted in: A Moving Tribute To The Fallen Heroes Of American Infomercials
#3 Cultural Underpinnings Face King | Apr 22nd Score:99

We are the worst

We’re also Christians

Who get our thrills from paying Baldwin’s bills

So that’s our mission

There’s a choice we’re making

We’re saving Stephen’s ass

Enabling his extremist views

With cold hard cash

Posted in: Restore Stephen Baldwin Is REAL!
#2 christrash | Apr 20th Score:99

Looks like someone is j-e-a-l-o-u-s because they are not the cutest member of the family anymore.

Posted in: Introducing Videogum’s New Mascot: Birdie
#1 lildanzig | Apr 21st Score:106

True story — I replied to Scott Baio’s “WELFARE IS FOR THE LAZY” tweet. It was a moment of weakness, but I was in the middle of an argument about that exact issue, and here comes Scott Baio, a man who plays pretend for a living, telling me about lazy people. So I made some snarky remark in his direction, and didn’t expect much to come of it.

Within two minutes, Scott had “re-tweeted my tweet” (va-va-voom) to his followers with an angry response and I immediately began receiving a stream of DM’s and messages on twitter from Mr. Baio’s fans who, surprisingly, actually exist. Being the relentless self-promoter that I am, I decided to harness the power of ANGRY SCOTT BAIO FANS to get some hits for my little musical project’s facebook page. So I hastily typed something retarded like “PLEASE VISIT ____ FOR MORE BAIO-HATIN’” and went off to lunch.

Upon returning from lunch, my facebook music page had like 55+ comments in the span of half an hour, most of which were angry messages from none other than Renee Baio, who apparently took time out of her busy schedule to stop by the website of a completely unknown independent hip hop artist to post all-caps screeds about “YOU NO-TALENT COAT-RIDING SHIT-STIRRER” and the like. The one insult I specifically remember was that I “couldn’t carry a tune in a Gucci bag”, which is true, because it’s both impossible and non-heteronormative! Not content to simply stop with me, however, she spent the better part of the afternoon hulking out in response to every single negative comment anybody would post in that thread, even when it became overtly obvious that she was being trolled for a reaction.

Eventually she changed her tone — it was at some point after I posted “Hey, Charles in Charge was a show I really liked as a kid but we were on welfare because my mom was disabled and if I knew the star of the show literally didn’t care if I lived or died then I would cry salty tears of real pain” — and went back and deleted all of her comments, hopefully out of embarrassment. Apparently, this was the day before the Jezebel crusade begin.

So, in conclusion, you don’t have to be famous or even remotely successful to start a feud with Scott Baio’s wife. Just make fun of him on twitter. It WILL happen.

Posted in: Scott Baio’s On-Line Meltdown: A Complete Timeline

Ed. note: welcome back everyone! Incidentally, the number 5 comment this week is actually a response to the number 2 comment. It’s fun to learn! And the highest rated comment this week is pretty epic. Good job, lildanzig? Normally, I would recommend that we all leave Scott Baio alone, but haha, no, fuck that guy. Let’s all send him Twitters about his insane defenses of his even more insane bigotry until he leaves the Internet! #byebyebaio

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 Steve Winwood | Apr 20th Score:-34
“Would you fuck me. I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me soooo haaarrrd.”
Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Caption Contest: Betty White Eating A Hot Dog

Ed. note: Oof, Steve. Well, whatever it is that you are doing, I guess it is working? Keep up the bad work?!

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

#5 Steve Winwood | Apr 20th Score:87

Here is my second submission to this fun contest:

And if you threw a partaaayyyy

And invited everyone you knew-ooo-oooo

You would see

the biggest hot dog would be from me

and the card attached would say

“I attached a card to your hot dog”

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Caption Contest: Betty White Eating A Hot Dog

Ed. note: AMERICA LOVES A REDEMPTION STORY! Congratulations, Steve Winwood. You earned it!

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

Miss Rabbit | Apr 22nd

Also, every time I eat a burger, the entire patty always falls out on the first bite.

Posted in: A Moving Tribute To The Fallen Heroes Of American Infomercials

Ed. note: To be honest, this comment is decent but not mind-blowing (sorry, Miss Rabbit), but when I first read it, I thought the Informercials thread was going to turn into everyone making jokes about the ridiculous unrealistic things that have never happened to anybody that happen to them all the time. It didn’t happen, but this comment still reminds me of the hope and anticipation I once felt. Hope and anticipation are great feelings!