Glee S01E15: No Not-Madonnas Allowed

Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.

GLEEEEEEE you guys: it happened again! Two weeks in a row! This week they decided to pay homage to actress, theologian, African, and graceful ager Madonna, to make up for ways they’ve disrespected women in the past (I assume they’ll find ways to make up for disrespecting acting, rapping, hair-styling, Judaism, and originality soon enough)—singing only “songs” by “her.” Neat! She has so many “songs”! The whole charade starts off with Sue Sylvester expounding on how much she loves Madonna, which makes NO SENSE because Sue clearly hates makeup and intercourse more than anything in the entire world, but whatever. Madonna it is.

Rachel’s still seeing Jesse St. James on the DL, even though everyone knows he’s “playing” her, and somehow MILF Rachel’s behind it. He wants to stick his Christianness in her bagel hole, and be her very first fuck. She’s into it, kind of, but not RIGHT NOW, and needs some advice on how to sing like she’s cumming, in case she ever goes through with it. So, she does the logical thing and goes to her school counselor, Emma, who tells her maybe she should go talk to her Rabbi (literally), because Emma, as we’ve covered is mentally ill, and a virgin herself.

The Cheerios beat the Gleetards to the Madonna punch (one of the hardest punches on record, what with her Satan arms and all), and do a dance routine to “Ray of Light” on insane stilts.

Couldn’t find the footage online, but this is close enough. Satyr fetishists unite:

Mr. Schue overhears some of the Glee Club girls complaining about how their men have disrespected them over the past week (Rachel’s wants make love in her, Tina’s wants her to have a non-Ska makeover), so he decides that everyone needs to learn a lesson from Saint Madonna of Feminism. Only Madonna “songs” can be sung in insane fake mind-performances this week, where everyone changes clothes miraculously and ends up onstage with no audience but tons of lighting cues. Rules are rules. Also: Brittany The Perfect’s current boyfriend is 7 years old. The end.

The “boys” in Glee Club aren’t too into the idea, because even though they claim to find Madonna “hot” and “sexy,” they are worried that their “masculinity” will be jeopardized by imagination-performing her “music.” They’re all “no!” except for Kurt, no doyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy, who’s like “mega-fierce!” or something. But, the girls rise to the “challenge” right away, and sing “Express Yourself” in cheap zoot suits and cheaper bustiers.

This number was so flat, emotionally, that it almost made me respect Madonna. Sure, she’s a haughty corpse who can barely burp out four notes on a good day, but when she reaches down and grabs her own humongous Hell Mouth through a pair of men’s trousers in defiance of gender norms, it almost means something. These girls, with their perfect voices and polished choreography—not so much. This number was Glee karaoke at its worst.

Santana decides she wants Finn’s ape virginity, because if you bareback someone of a different species, God doesn’t let you get pregnant. So, she proposes a second date, of sorts—a follow up to their funny but botched ménage-a-date from last week. Finn’s not sure if he’s into it (Are there going to be bananas involved? Are there bugs I can eat out of your hair when we’re done?), so he does what any monkey with a problem would do: he consults a Jewess to see if she’s still going out with another dude from another school.

Rachel and Finn chat for like a second, then break into a mash-up of “Borderline” and “Open Your Heart to Me” by The Corpse Bride herself. The number’s actually kind of good, although it kills me to say it, and my favorite part is how many extra lyrics they had to give Finn, to make it a duet. LOLOLOL, smooth move Gleelax.

Schue gets fed up with Sue for making fun of his disgusting curl helmet so much, so he turns the tables on her and lobs some hair-sults her way. Instead of taking them like a man, Sue crumbles a bit, and lets us in on her sad and troubled past. She has short hair because her retarded sister dyed her hair blonde with Napalm once when she was younger. Also: her parents were Nazi hunters. Also: she’s 29. A+.

Kurt and Mercedes decide to don their stereotype hats for a moment, and offer to give Sue a makeover with fake hair. In return, Sue agrees to allow them to use some Cheerios in their Madonna number. Turns out that’s the backstory for the Sue Sylvester “Vogue” re-do from last week. Meh. Then they played the damn video again, in case anyone missed it, which they didn’t.

The 3 virgins (Rachel, Finn, and Emma) all decide that they’re ready to fuck simultaneously, but not fuck each other, because that would be too perfect and the best. So, each tells their respective cock donors (or gorilla cage sacrificer in Finn’s case) that tonight’s the night. Schue can hardly believe his luck—he finally gets to pop on his favorite Guster tape and bang the voices out of his coworker’s trouble-skull!

Then, all 3 couples (Rachel and Jesse, Emma and DoucheMachine90’sToolQueef, Finn and Santana) do a 6-way rendition of “Like a Virgin,” in pajamas borrowed from the set of The Rugrats Fuck Paris, humping the shit out of each other and doing sexual backbends. This was BY FAR the best number in the show. It was delicious and perfect and Gleetarded and wonderful.

The next day, Rachel tells Finn that she let Jesse roll her Hamentashen flat, and that it wasn’t a big deal. But, then we learn that she kept that shit locked up, and that it was a huge deal, no doy, because it’s Rachel and it’s virginity. Finn tells Rachel that he wasn’t able to go through with it with Santana because she’s not special to him, but then we learn that he totally did go through with it even though Santana’s not special, and neither is he, and the sex was bad and he lives in The Primate House.

Oh, and no doy, Emma did NOT fuck Schue, but instead ran screaming from his MicroMachine and then washed her hands a thousand times, and counted her steps home even though she was running, and kissed every mailbox along the way, and then flossed with a gold chain, and then boiled the chain and put it around her neck like a necklace and, then pressed her thumb to every doorknob in her house 20 times, and then vacuumed her hair and then it was time for school so she counted every step to her car even though she was walking backward, and started the ignition 11 times before pulling out of her driveway and going to work. Hi, Emma: your hymen has a smudge on it: SCRUB IT OUT.

In a surprise twist of surprisingness, Jesse St. James transfers to McKinley High from Rival Academy and joins the Glee Club. Everyone’s like “EXCUSE ME, MISS THANG?” except for Rachel who’s like “I wonder what cum tastes like? I’ll ask my Dads” and then everyone’s like “Rachel, PAY ATTENTION” and she’s like “oh, hi secret manipulation boyfriend, now we can be public about our relationship maybe?” [VERBATIM]. The maddest about Jesse are Mercedes and Kurt who are sick of never getting solos, and know that with the new twink in town, their chances are slimmer than ever: slimmer than Schue’s Lee Press-On peen.

So, they do what any plot device would do: they join The Cheerios as singers, which no doy makes the most sense ever everyone knows that no doy, and sing “4 Minutes” by The Corpse Bride and Justin Timberlake, with a full marching band backing them up.

I’m happy that my favorite 2 queers from Fairy Land FINALLY got a number on the show all to themselves, it’s long overdue in this two episode-long mini-season, but did it have to be such a garbage song from music Hell? Of all the Madonna songs to choose, this one? Yuck. Glee should’ve saved their shot-for-shot-remake-wad for these two, and given us a little “Justify My Love,” no?

Schue’s all “how dare you?!” about Mercedes and Kurt’s decision to cheer with the enemy, but his feminism isn’t done clearing the Funyuns out of her throat. So, he makes all the boys in Glee Club sing “What it Feels Like for a Girl,” a true Madonna deep cut if I’ve ever heard one. The boys all wise up to the power of the puss, and apologize to the women they’ve wronged with their wrongness. Artie tells Tina that if she wants to be Ska she should be, but she’s busy watching The Craft on her HD contact lenses so it’s lost on her. Finn makes peace with Rachel, and even tells Jesse he’s happy to have him in Glee Club so he doesn’t have to sing all the male leads anymore. You and me both, Magilla. You and me both.

Then all the assholes screamed “Like a Prayer” at the same time in stupid red American Apparel shirts, and Madonna cashed her huge check in all quarters and did six million pushups with the quarters on her back (one for every _____ that _____ed in the _____), and the credits rolled, and my TV threw itself out even though I was like “wait! I need you for Videogum!”