The gang is all here! Jack and Sun and Hurley and Lapidus (hi, Lapidus!). Although, Locke doesn’t seem to care that much about anyone other than Jack. What is Sun, chopped TORO? (Racist.) Naturally, Lapidus takes it in stride, because Lapidus knows that outside of Margaritaville, people do not understand how important he is. Anyway, Locke tells Jack that they have some catching up to do, and Jack is like, “OK, let’s catch up.” So they go into the jungle to Catch Up Corner, where all the teens used to drive their canoes to play catch-me-up in the dark. (Huh?) Right away, Locke is just like, “So as you know, I am a smoke monster,” and Jack is like, “Right, now, just out of curiosity, did you used to take on the shape of my dead father?” And Locke is like, “Oh, totally, that was totally me.” And the writers in the Lost writing room were like, “Cross one of the mysteries off the mystery board, boys.” Fake Locke keeps talking about this ridiculous airplane escape plan, “We can all just get on an airplane and go home,” which is not real and he needs to relax with that nonsense because we knew four weeks ago that it was never going to happen. Then he explains that he took Locke’s form because Locke was a sucker, or whatever, which only kind of makes sense, because he’s also like, “it didn’t hurt that you put his body in a coffin in the cargo hold of a magical airplane that transported you to the 1970s but brought him here. That did NOT hurt.” Also if he was already taking on the forms of dead people, namely Jack’s dad, what is so special about taking on the form of this dead person? Haha, just kidding, I know the rules: NO MORE QUESTIONS. NO TIME LEFT!
Meanwhile, Claire followed them into the jungle because Jack is her brother? You know how brothers and sisters are, always following each other into the jungle. If you don’t have a brother or a sister you couldn’t possibly understand. It also helps to be a crazy person with a hairbone baby. Although, Claire does seem to have taken a shower. Looking good Claire!
She says something about how Jack is with Locke now, because you are with Locke as soon as you let him talk to you. Fair enough. He does have a certain charm! OK, so Jack is with Locke now. Good for him. He needs SOMEONE to tell him what to do, because he is a useless pile of five-o-clock shadow.
The next morning, Zoe shows up at the camp, and everyone is like “Guns!” and Zoe is like “Walkie-Talkie!” She explains that Locke has something of theirs that they want back, and he has until nightfall (NIGHTFALL!) to return what he has, or else they are going to blow him up. Ugh, really? I mean, again, this just goes back to the whole Escape on a Plane thing. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but Locke/Man in Black is an ageless paranormal shapeshifting smoke monster inhabiting the form of a dead man. He is not going to just get on a plane and leave the island, and he isn’t going to get blown up in some mortar attack. Whatever, Zoe. Locke smashes her Walkie-Talkie and is like “so it begins.”
He sends Sayid to go shoot Desmond in the face, and he sends Sawyer to take his boat and rendezvous on the other island. Sawyer is like, “Why would you split up the group?” and Locke is like, “The bigger the group, the slower it moves,” and I’m like, “Sure, but why would you split up the group?” and Sawyer is like, “Got it.” I mean, the bigger the group the slower it moves, fair enough, but Sawyer and Kate hardly seem to be the ones slowing it down considering you have Temple Children carrying their Temple Toys, and also Claire, whose hair slows everything down. Sawyer tells Jack to get Sun and Hurley and Lapidus (oh, Lapidus) and meet him and Kate at a secret rendezvous and they are going to escape together on a submarine. Does no one on this island have a single realistic idea about what is even going on here? Submarines. C’mon son.
“We’re both useless, so let’s team up and really accomplish nothing.”
Sayid goes to shoot Desmond in the face, and it turns out that those ancient explorers who dug that well by hand because they were looking for answers, definitely dug it by hand, and definitely gave up pretty quickly.
I don’t even understand why Desmond doesn’t just climb out of that well. “Give me a hand, brotha. Actually, brotha, I think I got this one, brotha.” Desmond asks Sayid why he is going to shoot him in the face, and Sayid is like “because I want to bring back a dead woman, I definitely have thought this through and know what I am doing, and this is a smart plan that is going to work.” And then he shoots Desmond. Bye Desmond! Just kidding, obviously he doesn’t shoot Desmond. Supposedly we are left this week wondering what happened to Desmond, but one thing we know for sure is that he is not shot in the face.
When Locke’s back is turned (and running off alone deep into the jungle) Jack grabs Sun and Hurley and Lapidus (Lapidus!) and heads off to meet Sawyer at the boat, which is a really nice boat that just happened to always be on the island tied to a very well-maintained dock?
But Claire sees them and when they are getting on the boat, Claire is like, “Gun!” and Kate is like “Wait!” Jack, meanwhile, seemed pretty ready to leave Claire behind? After all the work they put in this week to remind us that Jack and Claire are half-brother and half-sister, Jack was VERY QUICK to leave Claire behind. It was like:
Sawyer: Leave Claire behind.
But Kate doesn’t want to leave Claire behind, because that’s why she came back to the island in the first place. So she simultaneously talks Claire into putting her gun away AND talks Sawyer into not leaving Claire behind. What can’t Kate do? “I am a murderer, a professional clown, a tracker-hunter, and a hostage negotiator.” This guy knows what she’s talking about:
Out on the boat, Jack gets thoughtful again.
Sawyer confronts him, and Jack explains that he doesn’t feel right leaving the island (relax, you guys, seriously, YOU’RE NOT LEAVING DON’T WORRY!) because he feels like there is a reason they are on this island. And if that thing (Locke) wants them to leave, maybe he’s afraid of what happens if they stay. WHOA. That is a good point! Jack has been reading the message boards 4 sure. Jack, what’s your handle? just kidding, I know what it is. Jack_Useless_69. Sawyer is like, “get off my boat.” Hahaha. They are literally in the middle of the ocean. Get off his boat, Jack! You heard the man! Jack apologizes for killing Juliette real quick, because life is all abou–TIMING! Then he gets off the boat.
Bye Jack! Look out for the Smoke Sharks!
MEANWHILE, back in Bizarro LA, WORLDS BEEN HAD COLLIDING!
Locke and Ben are traveling in an ambulance to the hospital because of the whole Desmond straight smashing Locke to bits with his car thing. On the gurney being rushed to the emergency room, Sun is also there, on a gurney of her own, belly full of bullets, and sees Locke, and is like “it’s him!” Whuuut?! How does she know? I guess when you bump your head against a tree on the island, you open a portral into the multi-verse. Did you know that the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland is actually just a tree, and scientists throw Korean women’s faces into the tree at the speed of light? FACT.
Sawyer takes Kate in for booking, and they play a classic game of Kate and Mouse. Sawyer is like, “you don’t look like a murderer,” and Kate is like, “smirk I do.”
Ugh, that smirk. “You have a face for jail,” that’s what Kate’s agent said. Kate tells Sawyer that she thinks the reason he didn’t arrest her in the elevator at the airport when he totally saw she was wearing handcuffs and running was because he didn’t want anyone to know that he was in Australia. Meh. I think the reason he didn’t arrest you in the elevator at the airport when he saw you were wearing handcuffs and running is because we didn’t know he was a cop yet and he didn’t want to give away any SPOILERS. Sawyer’s secret trip to Australia to look for the man who ruined his childhood is a real non-starter. It’s just a boring secret! A much more interesting secret is why Kate and Sawyer are wearing the exact same outfit.
They’ll never tellllllll.
Cop Miles comes in and is like “We have obviously been put in charge of the Sun/Jin/Sayid case as well, because this is Bizarro LA, so we are the only two police officers there are.” They go to Sayid’s brother’s house, where Sayid is busy packing a suitcase on the living room coffee table (normal).
Sayid tries to escape, but he gets caught because Miles and Sawyer were playing a classic game of Good Cop Hose Cop.
Desmond “runs into” Claire in the lobby of a building and offers to help her with her adoption by introducing her to his lawyer…who just happens to work in that building? THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES! Also, Desmond’s lawyer is Ilana, of course.
She tells Claire that she has been looking for her. And then Jack shows up. With his son.
Weirdly, no one FEELS IT. As we know, you only FEEL IT when you are near death or near kissing, but there is no FEELING IT during the reading of wills in law office conference rooms. Not sure where Desmond’s going with this one! In any case, Jack has to cut the meeting short because he just got a call from the hospital. Good meeting, guys! Very informative. Jack heads back to the hospital with his son, because remember how he has a son? He walks by Sun and Jin’s room, where it turns out the baby is healthy and bullet-free. Oh good. Then Jack walks into surgery and surprise, it is Locke that he is surgerying upon. “I know this guy,” Jack says. You don’t know anything, Jack.
Back on the island, Jack washes on shore right as Locke and his friends get to the beach. Locke is like “nice day for a swim,” because his desperate, ages-old desire to get off the island no matter how many lives it costs has not stripped him of his wry sense of humor. Over on the other island, Sawyer and his friends show up on their beach and are stopped by Zoe and some other Widmore people. Oh, Sun and Jin are reunited, so, that’s nice.
Also, Sun can speak English again? Huh? What? Lapidus doesn’t care. “Looks like someone got their voice back,” he says. YOU CAN’T FAZE THIS GUY!
Then Zoe is like “Really?” into a Walkie-Talkie, and then she’s like “Are you sure?” She makes everyone get on their knees and tells Sawyer the deal is off (haha, oh no! Not Sawyer’s ridiculous deal!) and asks the Walkie-Talkie if they have a sight on Locke. Back on Locke Beach, KABOOOOOOM.
Everyone looks pretty exploded. Jack’s ears are ringing. Oh guess who is completely unharmed by the explosion. That’s right, the MAGICAL 1,000-YEAR-OLD SMOKE MONSTER IN A DEAD MAN’S BODY. It’s so weird that the explosion didn’t hurt him. He must have been just outside the blast radius. Locke grabs Jack and carries him into the jungle. He tells him not to worry, that it is going to be OK, because Jack is with him now. He lost Sawyer, Sun, Hurley, Kate, Claire, and Lapidus (Lapidus is The One) but he doesn’t seem to mind that much. Considering how happy he was to see Jack at the start of the episode, has it been about Jack all along? But of course, Jack is the one that Jacob made the biggest deal about at the lighthouse, and seemed to know his every move already anyway. Is this all part of Jacob’s plan, or all part of the Man in Black’s plan? ALSO, does this mean Jack died in the explosion and Locke just brought him back? Or is just like that part in Speed when Sandra Bullock tells Keanu Reeves that she read an article about how couples who are brought together during moments of incredible stress rarely last right before they make out on the airplane tarmac while lying stomach to stomach on the detached floor panel of the now-destroyed bus? I guess we will have to wait until next week, and if Jack and Locke are straight GOING AT IT in the opening scene, we will know what is what.