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Glee S01E14: Welcum Back, Dorkz!

Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! To think I’ve only been holding my breath for 10,800,000 seconds since you dorks won Sectionals, waiting for your tiny stupid faces to fill up my screen with “acting” and song-garbage! It was a piece of cake! JK, it was the worst, don’t ever go off the air again. There’s only so much pornography on the internet, and Cadbury Crème Eggs are only on the market for a couple months a year. I need you. You complete me. My face was swollen and purple, and my body was out of sweat, holding in that breath for so many millions of seconds.

ALSO, totally thought you were going to air at 9PM, and was treated to a disgusting 28 minutes of American Idol when I flipped on the old Fox box (my box only watches Fox (have you guys seen The Box? Because that’s what it’s about)). Woah! American Idol is the worstest! This week all the mall twinks had to scream Elvis songs, which is disgusting and illegal! But, then Glee showed up at 9:30, and shit was right again. Shit was right again everywhere (someone should tell the news).

The episode starts out with the dorks feeling all cocky about their big Sectionals triumph and strutting through school like they go to the place. But, no doy, they’re not cool now, even if they did sing and dance in a competition and win without cheating. They’re the same old social cripples they ever were, and get a Slurpee in the face to prove it. Oh, also, all the songs this week have “Hello” in the title (except for one of them, which only has “Hell”), because blah, blah, blah, something, Schue was talking, why’s that his hair?

Finn’s feeling all sorts of emotions in his monkey soul. He’s not really over Quinn, even though she did some nasty shit to him with her uterus and mouth. Also, Rachel’s all up in his grill insisting she’s his girlfriend now, and that he should kiss her through a hole in a sheet or something, and that makes him feel like he wants a banana and a nice tree in Freedomtown to swing from. So Finn does what any Zac Efron in High School Musical would do—he sings a song while playing basketball.

Schue’s curl helmet plants the seed in Finn’s ape heart that he is a rockstar “like Jagger, or Morrison” (VAN MORRISON IS SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW (I know he was talking about Jim Morrison, but still, there’s something up with Van Morrison’s grave)), and needs to find his rockstar voice and attitude. So, Finn burps out “Hello, I Love You” by The Doors all solo style, and it’s actually pretty good! Pretty good for a Proboscis monkey in a tank top. Here’s the audio:

Sue Sylvester is back from suspension, after slipping Principal Figgins some Rohypnol and straight-ironing his 2-foot-long chest hairs. For realsies, his Pantene Pro-V shoulder weave is silky and gorgeous, probably the prettiest thing that’s ever been on TV (sorry “Seasons” episode of Planet Earth, your time is up).

Sue hasn’t done much growing up, thank Glee, and totes still wants to destroy the Glee Club. In this episode, she’s all about knocking Rachel off her game, and she’s gonna do it by compromising her relationship with her pet Orangutan Finn.

Sue tells Brittany-the-perfect and Santana to ask Finn out on a ménage-a-date, and he gets so excited that he dumps Rachel before the date even starts. Rachel’s SEXY MOUTH gives a speech about truly knowing people, or some shit, and then she sings “Hope it Gives You Hell” by The All-American Rejects (like Rachel’s ever even heard of that song/band). Meh. I woulda gone with some Alanis. But everyone else in Glee Club is programmed to appreciate her performance, because they all join in!

Finn’s ménage-a-date doesn’t go so great for his penis, but it goes incredibly well for Brittany’s funniness reputation. She eats all her spaghetti, then tells the waitress she wants to send it back “because there was a mouse in [it].” Re: Rachel? “Her sweaters make her look homeschooled.” Re: dolphins? “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?” HAHAHAHAHAHA, yes, I did know that, because I saw The Cove and that’s what The Coveis about.

But Finn and Principal Figgins aren’t the only people getting taken advantage of in a romantic way in this episode. Rachel’s at the music store looking for sheet music when she gets hit on by a certain Jesse St. James, a 12th-grader from rival Glee Club Vocal Adrenaline, who sweet talks her about the only thing anyone could ever sweet talk Rachel about: her singing voice! Jesse’s all BMOC, or Bet Met Vav Khaf in Rachel’s alphabet, and she gets it wet RIGHT AWAY for his flattery. So, they do what we all do when someone tells us we’re okay at the thing we do: they sing “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie, then tell ALL their friends they’ve found true love.

Schue and Emma try to take their relationship to the next level—first base! But, there’s one little problem. Not only is Emma mentally ill, she’s a mentally ill VIRGIN. LOLOLOLOL of course she is. Who’d wanna bang around in her cave anxiety, worrying about breaking a filthy sweat or moaning off-key? Schue would, no doy, mentally ill virgins are his number one favorite sex fantasy, except the writers disagree with my rightness, and have him act all put off by it.

Rachel’s new love stinks to high heavGLEE, and her teammates don’t like it a bit. They know she’s getting played, so Schue prances right over to Vocal Adrenaline’s rehearsal to confront their coach about the sexpionage. He did not account for the fact that Vocal Adrenaline’s coach, Shelby Corcoran (played by the sensual Idina Menzel) was gonna be straight-up MILF Rachel and make his hacky sacks tingle for the first time ever. Schue and MILF Rachel (no seriously, this woman is Rachel from the shoulders up, Coco T from the shoulders down, all decked out in Marc by Marc Jacobs for Anne Klein for Victoria’s Sectret officewear) make out.

Then Schue opens up to her about his failed marriage and his mentally ill virgin girlfriend, and MILF Rachel’s like “ew, call me when you’re better.”

Rachel eventually confronts Jesse about the suspiciousness of his liking her (only a SPY could do that), and he’s like “no baby, this is 4 realsies” and then they smooch, and then the camera turns and we see MILF Rachel being all “no it is NOT 4 realsies” with her cougar eyes. Finn wants Rachel back because she has all the bananas or something, but she’s like “no! bad monkey!” and crushes his gorilla dreams for now. But you can tell she didn’t really want to do that, because then the Glee Club puts on modern tuxedos and sings “Hello Goodbye” by The Beatles, except Rachel’s over-the-top face acting sings “Torn” by Natalie Imbriglia every time she dance-touches Finn’s pillow pecs.

After the episode, they aired an incredible short film called “Vogue” by Sue Sylvester, which is probably going to win every Oscar from now on. Jane Lynch sings the Madonna “song,” and some fucked up geniuses recreate the original video almost shot-for-shot with Chris Colfer and Amber Riley as the back-up divas in powersuits. I guess this was to promote next week’s episode which will have all Madonna “songs” all the time (turns out they DO know their audience (or maybe this will be the Joss Whedon episode because Madonna is totally The First from Buffy now?????!!!!!). If you are not a stupid idiot, you will watch the video here: