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Lost S06E13: Welcome To Mr. Cluck’s, Would You Like FUUUU With That?

Yessssss! Let’s be honest, this season got off on the wrong statue foot, but it is finally getting Spider-Man 3 pie scene good. (So good!) Oh, it is ridiculous, and sometimes I am just like, “Oh, Lost,” but the past couple weeks have really picked up the pace, y/y? And you can’t really go wrong with a Hurley episode, especially a Hurley episode without any Cheech in it. (Sorry, Cheech!) Anyway, we begin this week in Bizarro LA, where Bizarro Hurley is being honored at a bizarro banquet. As we know, he is now a very lucky and successful rich person, as opposed to a terribly unlucky and unsuccessful rich person (whuuuut, TOPSO TURVO!), and this banquet is an opportunity for the local business community to celebrate him. That’s nice! There are photos of him cutting ribbons and shoveling “experimental farms” (sure, Lost). Also: Mr. Clucks in Paris, yes.

But wait a second, the voice of the person giving this speech sounds awfully familiar. Luckily, this banquet is lit normally like a regular banquet with just the right number of lights:

Wait for it.

WHUUUUT?

Actually, this particular Lost surprise was not really that surprising. For one thing, I have gotten pretty used to surprising mix-em-ups over there in Weirdowood. But even more importantly, Dr. Chang of the Dharma Initiative is the one character whose voice we are used to hearing as a disembodied narration. Nice try, Lost. I am one step ahead of you in regards to the secrets of this banquet scene!

After the banquet, Hurley’s mom tells him that she has set him up on a blind date. Fair enough. You can’t have it all, even in Bizarro LA. Hurley reluctantly goes, although I don’t know what he is so reluctant about, his mom has clearly set up the date at the finest Spanish restaurant the multi-verse has to offer:

I wish that Spanish Johnny’s was a real place so bad. Sometimes I think about getting in a plane and just criss-crossing the ocean back and forth, hoping that I crash. Into a Spanish Johnny’s. The waiter comes over and asks Hurley if he would like some more tortilla chips and he is like “I guess so.”

WHUUUUUUUT? You GUESS SO, Hurley? Man things really are different in Bizzaro LA. Hurley’s blind date arrives, and OMG it is Libby. Except that she isn’t his blind date. She is a mental patient who just happened to be at Spanish Johnny’s. Classic hang out for the mentally infirm. She explains that they know each other in a different life. She makes a pretty solid case:

The doctor comes over and is like “I’m so sorry that this crazy person for the crazy hospital is bothering you with her crazy talk.” Hurley follows them outside (normal) and realizes that the doctor wasn’t kidding.

Why was Hurley’s blind date in the middle of the day? NEVERMIND, ONE MYSTERY AT A TIME. Hurley decides to drown his misery in chicken.

But that is when Desmond shows up. He is like “Hey, don’t I know you from that airplane a few weeks ago.” Normal conversation. Desmond tells Hurley that he should definitely follow up with Libby and see what she is talking about. And Hurley is instantly like “I am for sure going to do that.” You know how it is when millionaire business owners meet someone at a fried chicken restaurant who claims to have been on an airplane with them and insists that they visit a mental institution to see why a patient from Spanish Johnny’s claims to have known them in a separate universe and the millionaire business owners are like, you’re right. This guy knows:

So Hurley goes to the mental hospital, and the doctor is like “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to visit her,” and Hurley is like “do you think $100,000 is a good idea to visit your bank account?” And the doctor is like, “I will take your money and violate my medical ethics, because I need that money to reverse whatever Magneto did to my face.

Libby, once again, makes a very strong case for herself.

But Hurley still isn’t buying it. Nevertheless, he does enjoy the company of the insane, and so he takes Libby out to a picnic on the beach, and that is where Hurley finally FEELS IT.

Desmond’s work here is done, whatever Desmond’s work is. When you are trapped in the wrong life because a hydrogen bomb was detonated by a dying woman with a rock in her hand on a paranormal island in the 1970s, the important thing is to just FEEL IT. As Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glenn Ross, “ABFI, Always Be Feeling It.” (He also said “Coffee is for Smoke Monsters.” It was a weird movie.)

MEANWHILE, back on the island, Hurley is seeing ghosts again.

Michael tells Hurley that he has to stop everyone from blowing up the airplane because it’s going to get everyone killed. Hurley is like, “OK, you’re the ghost!” He goes back to camp and is like, “We definitely shouldn’t blow up that airplane.” To be honest, I think that should have been the end of it. Because remember how two weeks ago Sun refused to help blow up the airplane? So it’s really just Ricardo Alperto and Ilana who want to blow up the airplane. I mean, Lapides don’t give a fuuuuuuck, Miles is too busy playing coconut solitaire, and Jack is completely worthless. Nevertheless, Ilana insists that they blow up the airplane using this messenger bag of dynamite that she is way to casually tossing around. Uh, dude? That stuff is unstable! Have you not even seen Season 2? Oh, hold on, Ilana just has to violently throw a ton of bottles of water into the bag with the sweaty dynamite. OK, she’s ready to go.

At first, no one knows what to do. Especially Jack:

They have an argument about whether or not they should get some more dynamite and go blow up that plane, which, again, I don’t even understand the dynamite/plane thing in the first place. Ricardo Alperto is an unblow-uppable immortal creature with Natural Eyeliner and even he believes that a shape-shifting smoke monster that is evil incarnate for whom the island seems to have been designed as a paranormal prison is going to escape via AIRPLANE? No, David Blaine.

Anyway, Hurley finds a pouch!

WHAT’S IN THE POUCH? Pouch is the new hatch! Hurley tells everyone that he changed his mind and they should definitely go get some dynamite and blow up the airplane. Hurley is such a terrible liar! But everyone is like “You are a great liar, Hurley!” And so they go to the Black Rock and Hurley blows it up. Now there isn’t any more dynamite, so they can’t blow up the plane. Whatever with the plane already, shut up about the stupid plane. Hurely explains that Jacob told him they have to go talk to Locke, even though Hurley is obviously lying again. This time people are like “You’re a terrible liar, Hurley.” Really? Because he seems as good as he was the last lie, and you loved that one. Anyway, the team splits in two, with Hurley, Jack, Sun, and Lapides (hi, Lapides!) going to find Locke, and Ricardo Alperto, Miles, and Ben going their separate ways. Hurley is like, “uh oh, I better think fast,” and he puts on his thinking face:

Over in Camp Locke, Sayid is back, and he has Desmond tied to a tree. Sawyer, meanwhile, is worthless. I love how in the last few episodes, if someone is not central to the plot, they don’t know anything and they don’t do anything, they just sit around sharpening sticks and asking stupid questions. Locke cuts Desmond free and takes him on a walk through the jungle. They see that weird kid again. This time, Locke isn’t the only one who can see him, Desmond can see him too.

Desmond is VERY chill. If anything, he is too chill. Locke takes him to a well and is like “this well is a million years old and blah blah blah, answers.” And Desmond is like “this well is pretty chill.” And then:

In the jungle, there are those creepy whispers, and Hurley is like, “Oh, wait, those creepy whispers are just the ghosts.” OH OK THAT’S WHAT IT IS. What? Sorry, Hurley, but ghosts aren’t LESS CREEPY than creepy whispers. They are EQUALLY CREEPY. Anyway, he sees Michael’s ghost and Michael’s ghost is like, “THEY TOOK MY BOOYYYYY!” Just kidding. Michael is like “I can’t let go.” Let go of what? Ugh, ghosts. Such basket cases! Hurley is like “We’re looking for Locke,” and Michael is like, “Oh, why didn’t you say so, yeah, Locke is right there.”

That was easy! So Hurley and Jack and Sun and Lapides (haha, Lapides) show up in Camp Locke. Hurley says they should talk. Locke is like “Here is my trust knife as a sign of trust,” and Jack is like “durrr,” and Sun is like “Jin?” and Kate is like “Jack Smile!” and Sawyer is worthless.

MEANWHILE, back in Bizarro LA, Desmond has gone to an elementary school to hang around the parking lot. A lot of things are different in Bizarro LA, but the creepiness of what Desmond is doing is still entirely creepy. Ben knows.

Desmond pretends that he is just there to check out the school for his son, Charley (LOL, Charley is a grown man! And a heroin addict!), but in reality he is there to RUN LOCKE THE FUCK OVER KABOOM.

Yikes. Ben is like “Annie, Annie, are you OK? Someone call EMS!” But Desmond wasn’t trying to kill Locke, no duh, he was trying to make him FEEL IT.

Apparently, there are two ways to FEEL IT, a near fatal accident, and kissing. Yikes. If I was one of the Losties trapped in the multi-verse who still needed to FEEL IT, I would be like, “ONE ADULT FOR KISSING, PLEASE.” I would be like, “I’m happy to FEEL IT, just please don’t run me over with your rental car!” That being said, I am genuinely excited to see what happens now that Locke knows about his other life. I don’t know if he’s going to have to fight the Smoke Monster, or what, but I do know this: WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER WHEELCHAIR. Ouch.