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Gossip Girl S03E18: One Wedding And A Funeral

This week, it is all about whether or not Chuck and Blair will stay together. Oh gosh, I’m going to need a new seat, because I wore out the edge of this one. I think we can all agree that there is nothing more fascinating in this world than the romantic disturbances of two 19-year-olds. “I really hope those two work it out, because they really had something emotionally immature and completely disposable between them.” Honestly, the only thing worse than two 19-year-olds who don’t give a shit about each other and break up because the pizza guy was cute is two 19-year-olds who say shit like “we were meant to be together.” Children, please. For one thing, if you were meant to be together, you wouldn’t be having this conversation one year into your teenage relationship. I’m pretty sure you’re going to need more stamina to make it all the way to the finish line (the grave). And for another thing, you are 19, shut up, no one cares, you guys should have a suicide pact because of how much no one cares. Remember last week when the trailers for this week made it seem like Chuck and Blair were going to have a suicide pact? And then this week it’s like “oh, you’re trying on jewelry in your room because you’re tired of the Polish wedding that’s happening downstairs.” Hollywood editing is magic!

So, let’s not beat around the bush, Chuck and Blair?! Will they survive?!

No. Of course not. Is it because what Chuck did to Blair is unacceptable? Is it because the flame between them burned TOO bright? Is it because the world of the rich involve pressures and demands that we civilians couldn’t possibly understand? No. It is literally because THEY ARE 19 YEARS OLD. That is all that is going on here. “It’s so crazy how those two 19-year-old soul mates broke up” is a thing that no one has ever said. Oh, they have some adventures first. Blair tells Nate what happened, and Nate gets upset. Chuck offers to throw Dorota a lavish wedding in order to make Blair spend time with him. Blair decides that she and Chuck do deserve each other, but that only makes her more upset, because she doesn’t like what she has become (which is what, exactly?). But in the end, they break up, because as Forrest Gump’s momma always said, 19-year-olds is as 19-year-olds does.

Life is like a box of grow up.

The whole thing is most easily summed up in Chuck’s reaction to Serena’s and Nate’s attempted love intervention.

Hahaha. Get out of here Serena and Nate, you bore me! Get out of here Chuck and Blair, you bore me! Get out of here This Show, you bore me!

Oh, so, Serena and Nate are trying to get Chuck and Blair back together by telling Chuck to go visit her? They could have just called and given him the advice over the phone. They didn’t need to meet in the lobby of his hotel first thing in the morning and get on the same page about the best way to get Chuck and Blair back together (“OK, the game plan is, let’s just tell them to get back together”) and also aren’t these people supposed to be rich? Don’t rich people have things to do? What’s with all the constant house visits? Anyway, Serena tells Nate that she hopes he has better luck with Blair. Ew, what? You are going to send your boyfriend to personally visit his ex-girlfriend where he is supposed to try to convince her to start sleeping with his best friend again? You guys, I’ve chartered a trip to Vietnam for all of us. We’re going to tour the abandoned Punji-stick booby traps!

Get in, I’ll take your life I MEAN YOUR PICTURE!

But it turns out that Serena, who said she was going to breakfast with the Humphreys, isn’t going to breakfast with the Humphreys at all! She’s going to meet Carter Baizen! Don’t worry, Carter! You are invited on my trip to Vietnam! It turns out Carter has another lead on where her father is. Again with the who cares. I mean, I’m trying, Gossip Girl, please know that I am trying. But also please understand that at no point in the first two seasons when the kids were struggling with the amusing dramas of elite private Manhattan high school did I ever say to myself, “this is all well and good, but who is Serena’s father and when will she travel to Palm Springs behind her boyfriend’s back to meet him?” And I really don’t understand why it’s a secret? I DEFINITELY don’t understand why Carter Baizen, another 19-year-old with no job or college education, is the only person in the world who can find his friend’s father, but I also don’t understand why she’s keeping it from Nate. I’m not trying to be weird about this, maybe I’m just a stupid old POOR who doesn’t understand WHAT IT’S LIKE, but it seems to me you could just go up to your boyfriend who you “love” and be like, “I’m meeting Carter Baizen because apparently he is a private detective and he tracked my father down, and I want to see my father.” The fear is probably that Nate would be like, “you should have kept this a secret from me. Now I hate you.”

Meanwhile Dorota’s family is coming to New York, but she doesn’t want them to come because they will find out that she is pregnant and hasn’t married Vanya yet. So the solution is to get married tomorrow? I feel like you guys have not thought this thing through. I mean, Dorota’s parents know that she didn’t get married a year ago, right? Because wouldn’t they be kind of insulted that they weren’t invited? Especially since Dorota makes such a big deal about needing a “traditional” wedding. “In Polish tradition, a wedding involves lots of vodka, dancing, parlor games, and NO PARENTS.” Whatever. Her parents would probably be too upset anyway, since the mazurka band plays a cover of the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling”? What’s the Polish word for barf?

There we go. In the clunky words of this show’s terrible brand integration: I BING’D IT!

Later, after the ceremony, at the party, the music is Leighton Meester’s hit single, “Your Love’s a Drug,” and the effect is very Large Hadron Collider.

And so: Dorota and Vanya are married, and Wallace Shawn gives them an apartment in Queens over his shitty fucking terrible wife’s protests that poor people don’t deserve homes of their own, and Chuck and Blair are broken up, and Nate and Serena have something to fight about other than “whose hair is shinier” (Chuck Bass does it again), and Jenny is trying to date Nate because New York is the City That Never SNORE, and Dan sucks, and Serena travels to Palm Beach to find her father only to discover Lily is already there. OMG LILY IS SERENA’S FATHER!

Oh, and the funeral mentioned in the title of this recap? That is mine.

Next week: now that Serena has discovered that Lily is actually her father, they hook up!