Gossip Girl S03E17: I Would Like To Play Assassin With This Show

Fine, Gossip Girl. If you are not going to treat me like an adult human being with self-worth and a modicum of intelligence whose time is valuable, then I am not going to treat you like a real TV show. That, of course, leaves open the question of WHAT exactly to treat you like. Garbage? Yes. You are definitely garbage. But somehow you are so much worse than garbage! At the very least, western civilization has come up with some really efficient systems and controls for dealing with and processing garbage so that it remains largely out of sight and out of mind. In that sense, you are very different from garbage, because week after week you get right up in our face. (And we have to watch you, all of us, I’m sure.) But obviously, you share other common garbage traits, like the fact that you get worse and more disgusting over time, and the fact that I hate you. Let’s put it this way: if I could throw you on a barge and send you to Belize*, I would. (Sorry, Belize.)

So, there was no real recap last week, because of the Pharaohs. But I guess Jenny almost got raped? (Again?) And Chuck Bass continued to not have his hotel? And Dan is boring? Let’s just move forward. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can take the gun out of our mouths.

So, it’s Nate’s birthday. Happy birthday, Nate. How old is he now? 35? It is so hard to tell anyone’s age since absolutely no one does anything on this show that would indicate any particular station in life. They don’t go to school. They don’t have jobs. They don’t seem to be planning on going to school or having jobs any time soon. What a fascinating group of characters, I can’t wait to see what realistic and interesting thing happens to them next! Serena is going to take Nate to a Frick Benefit for Toads or something for his birthday. He is so bummed, because he thought she was taking him to a Knicks game for his birthday. Honestly, Nate, relax. You go to a fancy champagne party every night, and more often than not you actually are the guest of honor. But actually, Serena is planning a surprise party for his birthday that is going to feature a game of Assassin. Oh good. Maybe they will play for THE HIGHEST STAKES.

Meanwhile, Jenny is working on some sketches for her new designs because she’s a fashion designer again. It’s like Heidi Klum always says, “one day you are in, the next day you are out, and the day after that you are back in, and always with the same stupid make up.” That’s how the slogan goes, right? Eric, who is back from Japan (hahaha, WHAT?!) is trying to decide which Asian boy toy to Friendster (NATCH) and lets slip that Nate won’t know that he is actually having a birthday party for another five hours. “Five hours,” Jenny says under her breath, and then excuses herself and gets dressed up like a Hobo Clown in a Depression-era Shanty Town Talent Show. “Come see the Ugliest Girl in all of Hooverville!”

She intercepts Nate at Blair’s house, which again, please, for the fucking love of fucking God, will someone explain to me why Serena lives at BLAIR’S MOM’S HOUSE? Nate also seems to live there? It is a small thing, and yet it might be the most infuriating detail on this entire show considering the fact that both Blair and Blair’s mom DON’T live there. Anyway, Nate goes out to lunch with Jenny instead of his grandfather. Whatever. I already am done. I see where this is going, and I am crossing my arms and stomping my feet. For one thing, Jenny was JUST in a relationship with the Keebler Elf of Fresh-Baked Ecstasy. WHO, I might remind Nate, PUNCHED NATE IN THE FACE COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED, after which JENNY SMILED AND SAID NOTHING AND HAS YET TO APOLOGIZE TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE ALTHOUGH ADMITTEDLY I MISSED SOME OF LAST WEEK’S EPISODE SO MAYBE SHE DID APOLOGIZE AND I MISSED IT BUT WHO CARES, THIS IS RETARDED. I understand that young people can often engage in a sort of revolving-door sexuality with their circle of friends where everyone dates everyone else eventually, but this door is SPINNING TOO FAST.

Blah blah blah blah blah. Jenny tricks Nate into hanging out with her, but eventually they do go to the party? And then they play assassin and it’s so annoying? And Serena is mad at Nate but she stops being mad at him? And Jenny tries to kiss him but he tells her they are just friends? And she is mad, I guess, but Nate is too busy having handcuff sex with Serena? Because this is a show for children, and so it needs to be believable to children, and so handcuff sex? Next week, on a very special episode of Gossip Girl:

There is a Dan and Vanessa plotline if you really want to talk about GARBAGE. They used to share rough drafts of their writing with each other, but now that they are dating, Dan thinks there is such a thing as too much honesty? So when they do share their rough drafts, Dan lies to Vanessa and says he likes hers, and she lies to him and says she hasn’t read his, and then Dan finds out that she lied and says he lied and that her script was actually a D instead of an A+, and you are supposed to feel bad for Vanessa because Dan was a jerk to her, but then you find out that secretly she is trying to get into the same highly-competitive writing program behind his back? Stop! Stop! You are both terrible!

And then there is Chuck and Blair. I don’t even know anymore! Jack stole Chuck’s hotel, which represents the entirety of his massive fortune (right) and the only way for him to get it back is to let Blair spend a night with Jack, but Chuck refuses! Or does he? And eventually Blair does go to spend a night with Jack in order to save Chuck’s hotel, and Jack tells her that Chuck actually did it? So Blair is upset and confronts Chuck and somehow Chuck is supposedly responsible for Blair planning on spending a night with Jack? Honestly, I have been to college, and I have seen Ocean’s 12 (alternately-titled The Most Complicated Ocean) but I have no idea what is going on here. At one point, Chuck is like “I couldn’t just ask you to spend the night with Jack, because then he would have known we were working together.” What? Hahahha, whoa, for a second there I pretended like there was any kind of value whatsoever in figuring out what this is about. WHO CARES? So, Chuck and Blair are broken up. And Jack is like “I hope you enjoy your empire, Chuck, because it’s all you have.” Uh, sure, but I mean, an empire is A LOT. And also, Chuck and Blair are 19 years old, right? I am pretty sure that Chuck WILL BE FINE. “Oh boo hoo, all I have is a billion dollars, a hotel penthouse, and the rest of my life ahead of me.” Get real.

Although, you are right, Gossip Girl. Chuck and Blair should make a suicide pact JUST IN CASE. Of course, since everyone on this show is always invited to everything, I expect everyone to participate. Even Dorota and Vanya. ESPECIALLY DOROTA AND VANYA.

*Ugh, of course you would just come right back.