Lost S06E11: Don’t Tase Jin, Bro!

FINALLY. Let’s just get right into this, shall we? So last night’s Sun and Jin episode opens in Camp Locke, where Jin is still bandaging his ankle from Claire’s bear trap. Walk it off, Jin. Locke comes up and tells Jin that Sun is on the island, and that he is going to go get her and bring her back to the camp, and explains the names on the cave wall in what can only be an entirely unsatisfying way to someone just hearing about them for the first time, much less for someone whose name is on that wall. He’s just like, “So James told you how there is a cave wall and your name is on it?” And Jin is like “I guess so, yeah.” Uh, guys, WHAT? Are you talking about the magical secret cave where Jacob wrote the names of all the candidates whom he had been tracking throughout their lives to protect the paranormal island filled with pockets of electro-magnetic upside-down energy from evil wine? “I guess so, yeah.” You guys sure don’t scare easy. So Locke is like “don’t worry, I will go get Sun,” because if there is one thing that we know about the men on this island, it is that they love being told to sit and wait while someone else goes and doe something, especially when that something relates to bringing back their wives/Walts.

Nope. Jin is like “peace, beach.”

Sawyer comes up to him and is like “where do you think you’re going, Soup Dumpling,” and Jin is like, “I’m getting the hell away from that thing.” (You mean the thing that just said he was going to go find your wife? Who you have been looking for like crazy? So just to clarify, your first priority is “getting away from that thing.” Just want to make sure.) Jin is also like, “Uh, Sawyer, me and the other girls have been talking about it, and we think it’s weird that you’re Locke’s bitch now.” Sawyer is like “I’m not Locke’s bitch. For one thing, I only do every OTHER thing that he tells me to do no questions asked. And for another thing tranquilizer dart.” The island is under attack! I should have known something was up when the episode opened with some night vision Room Raiders footage. Charles Widmore wants to know who has been masturbating in their tent, and then based on which tent has the coolest style, he’s going to go with them on a submarine date! (What?!)

Meanwhile, back in Bizarro Los Angeles, Jin has finally been released by the customs agents from episode one. But they are keeping his $25,000 cash. Haha. WELCOME TO AMERICA! THAT IS HOW WE ROLL! Now all Jin has is this stupid watch. And he’s late for “the restaurant.” You know, the restaurant. “Welcome to the United States of America.” “Can you tell me how to get to the restaurant?” Perfect. They go to the hotel to check in and the concierge is like “that will be one room for Sun and Jin Kwon because you are both married as we all know,” and Jin is like, no, two rooms. And the guy is like what? And we are like what? And Jin is like “no married,” and the guy is like “ah,” and we are like “WHUUUUUT?”

Although, just because Bizarro Jin and Bizarro Sun aren’t married in Bizarro LA doesn’t mean they aren’t bizarro doing it.

YOWZA! The next morning, Sun suggests that instead of giving the watch to the man at the restaurant, they should just run away together. Well, you could do both? I mean, as we will soon find out, the man at the restaurant is a total jerk. But here in the soft simple light of morning, with foresight being 0-0, I don’t understand why running away and giving the man at the restaurant the watch are mutually exclusive. Oh wait, there is someone at the door. Jin goes to hide in the bathroom. I wonder who it could be! Oh right, this asshole.

It is “the man from the restaurant.” He is looking for Jin, because Jin has something for him. Blah blah blah. Sun hides Jin’s shoes? Whatever. She gives the guy his watch, but the guy also wants his $25,000, which, to be honest, fair enough. The guy is a creep with a creep face, but he is a creep with a creep face who is coming up $25,000 short. Eventually, though, he puts everything together, like Sherlock Holmes from the restaurant.

Honestly, I am so bored by the alternate Los Angeles plotline that I am just going to rattle through this quickly. So Sherlock Holmes’s friend comes to help him find Jin. Oh look there he is, in the bathroom. In the dark. With his shirt off.

Sun promises that she can get the man from the restaurant his money, she just needs to go to the bank. The man from the restaurant calls in his Russian friend who speaks a hundred languages to go with her.

WHUUUUUUUT?! It’s the eye-patch guy from the Dharma Initiative. But Sun’s account is all closed out. Her dad emptied it. Why would he do that? I guess to pay the man in the restaurant $25,000 to murder Jin. OH NOOOOOO! The money Jin was carrying was for his own assassination! Yikes! The man in the restaurant ties him up in the walk-in cooler, so already we know he is going to be fine, because we saw Sayid save Jin from the walk-in cooler a few weeks ago. Also, what is this walk-in cooler?

Haha. What? Where is this restaurant? In the Centers for Disease Control? I am pretty sure we can all relax. It is a big refrigerator. NO GIANT CAUTION SIGNS NEEDED. Anyway, it takes the guys a few minutes:

But they get Jin tied up. And then they get shot. Sayid shows up with his dickface on and refuses to let Jin go, but he does point a gun in his face, and put a box cutter in his bound hands. What a cool dude! So Jin gets free just in time to stop Mikhail who has come back with Sun.

He shoots Mikhail in the eye. Get it?

You get it. But he also shoots Sun in the belly (where her secret baby is).

Are you sure, Jin? Are you sure she will be all right? Because she was just shot in the stomach in a foreign country where she doesn’t speak the language and her bank account has been entirely emptied by her father who sent her along with her boyfriend for him to be assassinated. Oh, she’ll be fine, I’m sure. CAN WE GO BACK TO THE ISLAND NOW, PLEASE?

So, back on the island, Ilana keeps assuring everyone that Richard is going to return from his vision quest and know what to do next. Ultimately we know that this is probably going to be true, but she keeps explaining that the reason she knows this is because Jacob never lied to her before? Who said anything about lying? Couldn’t Jacob have just been wrong? The people on this island are way too grandiose when it comes to, well, everything. Meanwhile, Jack continues to know nothing. Why don’t you go drink from your baby bottle, Jack.

Sun gets fed up with everyone and goes to her garden. Jack tries to follow her, but even Sun can’t deal with Jack anymore. Get out of here, Jack! Then Locke shows up. He is like “I told you I would find Jin, and I did, you just have to come with me.” He holds out his hand.

Haha. YA BURNT, LOCKE! Sun runs through the jungle, and Locke chases her. Then Sun stops running through the jungle.

When she comes to SHE CAN NO LONGER SPEAK ENGLISH. Oh boy. Here we go. Jack is like “It might be Aphasia.” WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SHUTTING THE HELL UP, JACK?! Ugh, this show.

Meanwhile, Locke returns to his camp to discover that everyone has been shot with darts and Jin is gone. So he gives Sayid a gun and tells him to wrap it in plastic. Sawyer is OUT. Claire is OUT. Locke is like “I need to get everyone on that plane, because I am an ancient metaphysical shape-shifter that embodies all evil, so I escape on airplanes, duh.” What? But then he is like “and after that, whatever happens, happens.” Claire doesn’t hear him, though, because dung beetles have made their home in her ears. (Claire is gross.)

While this is going on, Jin wakes up on the set of Saw.

Would Jin like to play a game?

Actually, it is that weird Clockwork Orange room that Ben’s daughter Alex’s boyfriend was in that one time? That was being guarded by the dude from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Remember how crazy the room seemed back then and how now it is literally an after-thought tossed aside like so many empty bottles of moloko. Zoe tases Jin (don’t tase Jin, bro!)…because she needs to ask him about some maps? That seems a bit much, nerd. Jin is like, “I am not answering your questions about Dharma Initiative maps from the 1970s signed by me because you should just watch the last season of Lost on DVD. It’s not like there’s any reasonable explanation other than that anyway.”

Outside, Locke shows up at Camp Widmore. Things get pretty tense.

Locke says something about a wise man bringing war to the island. Was that him? Or Jacob? Could some nerd please tell me if it was the man in black or Jacob? Speaking of nerds, Widmore goes back to the submarine and yells at Zoe. He is not ready for war! They had a timetable! Zoe is like, “Then maybe you shouldn’t have hired a geophysicist.”

Right. I love that she can stage a successful nighttime military attack on a camp of well-armed hostiles and kidnap a target, but she’s a geophysicist, so she can’t STICK TO A FUCKING TIMETABLE. And the timetable says war starts on the FOURTH day. Anyway, Widmore meets with Jin, and is like, here is a digital camera with photos of your daughter.

I guess in all the excitement over taking the submarine to the island, he didn’t have any time to print them out at a higher resolution. “But you get the idea. She’s a kid.” Widmore explains that they have to stop Locke, because if he escapes the island, then every little girl in the world will cease to exist. Then he says, “I think it’s time you saw the package.” THAT IS WHAT WIDMORE SAID!

Back on the main island, Sun is looking great.

Richard comes back and explains that he knows what they have to do. They have to stop the man in black. REALLY, RICHARD? You guys, I’m worried about Richard. I think someone might have spiked his canteen with Obvious Pills. Anyway, Richard explains that they have to stop him by destroying the airplane. Ugh, still with the airplane? You guys, the smoke monster isn’t escaping on the airplane. But Sun isn’t having any of this anyway.

She is here to save her husband, not save the world. And again Sun storms off. We should probably name her Storm. RIGHT YOU GUYS?! So Jack (ugh) goes to find her and gives her a pad of paper, and it turns out that Sun can write English, she just can’t speak it? THAT IS EVEN WORSE SOMEHOW! Of course, there was no time to get upset with this show’s ridiculous Sun plotline when there was that goddamned V chyron to worry about.

But so, Jack promises Sun that he is going to help her save Jin and that they won’t leave the island without him. And he asks Sun if she trusts him, and she says that she does. And then he offers her his hand. Uh, Jack?

Why don’t you wipe your filthy hand off for the lady, Jack. If this is what your beachside manner is like, I would hate to be your spinal surgery patient! “Doctor, should you be eating a pulled pork sandwich in the surgery room?” “Do you trust me?”

And then meanwhile back again on the other island, Sayid rises out of the water like a little mermaid! “This means war! And being a real girl!” And he spies some of Widmore’s people removing “the package” from the submarine. WHAT’S IN THE PACKAGE?!

Oh, the package is just Desmond? Hahha, OK.