Videogum

Who Should Star In The E-Trade Talking Baby Movie?

Hollywood is developing a movie based on the E-Trade talking baby. Oh, Hollywood. Your determination to always out-retard yourself is almost admirable. There’s a sign in Hollywood’s cubicle that says “Dumber Is Never Unpossible.” And another one that says “Coffee Is For Idiots.” From Pajiba (via FilmDrunk):

20th Century Fox is developing a film based on the E*Trade talking babies. No. I am not making this up. Actress and writer Katie Dippold (“Parks and Recreation,” “MADtv”) is penning the script. And no. I’m not kidding. The film is a “mission movie,” about a group of talking babies trying to make their way across the playground.

Sure. A “mission movie.” About a CGI talking baby on-line stock trading company spokesman. At a playground. Obviously, it sounds great ON PAPER, and it will all come down to the execution. Of course, an animated baby with overdubbed dialogue might work for ads during the Puppy Bowl, but this is a major motion picture! We’re going to need some star power! So, who should play the E-Trade talking baby in the E-Trade talking baby Movie, which Hollywood is actually making*.

The Dancing Baby from Ally McBeal

He hasn’t aged very well, and is a little rough around the edges (not to mention being a total DIVA on-set), but he is available, and I’m sure his rate is pretty low these days. You could probably get the dancing baby from Ally McBeal in your movie for $17 and as many day-old bagels off the craft services cart as his little CGI arms could carry.


Brad Pitt
I hate typecasting, but Hollywood loves typecasting. It’s just a fact that once you’ve proven you can do one thing, the industry tries to make you repeat that success again and again. Not that I would necessarily called The Not Actually That Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttons a “success,” but you get it.


Mo’nique
Fresh off the critical praise and multiple industry awards for her performance in Precious, Mo’nique might want to play it safe, but I would suggest that there is no better time for her to stretch herself as an actor and prove just how versatile she is by portraying the E-Trade talking baby.


A Tamagotchi Keychain
At the end of the day, when you need a baby, you get a baby. Occam’s Razorblade.


Other suggestions: Jeremy Irons.

*Hollywood making an E-Trade talking baby movie is like when Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. It just seems important with a tragedy like this to keep repeating it in the simplest way possible.