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Lost S06E09: Aye Carumba!

This week we say goodbye to Bizarro LA and hello to Bizarro 1867. It’s a Ricardo episode! It’s THE Ricardo episode! All of your Ricardo Alperto questions answered! Sort of. I mean, I still have some Ricardo Alperto questions that were not answered last night. For example: was it customary for men to wear eyeliner on the Canary Islands in 1867? And also: did all of your formative experiences really take place in what seems to be a two-week stretch in your 170 year life? (I am generously placing pre-immortal Ricardo Alpert at 27 years old, based on historical mortality rates, and other details about 1867 that I am just making up as I go along). But before we can get to the mystery of WHAT’S IN THE RICARDO ALPERTO, we begin on the island. Well, no, we begin in some hospital where Jacob is visiting Ilana and explaining that she needs to protect the six “candidates” to take his place when he dies. These include Jack, and Sun, and Hurley, who are all sitting around the fire. They do NOT include Lapides, who is taking the news pretty well. “Sorry, Lapides!” “Eh, what’re you gonna do.” Classic Lapides! Meanwhile, Jack literally knows nothing. Why don’t you go perform some spinal surgery while the adults talk, Jack. So what now, Ilana? Well, Jacob said Ricardo would know what to do. “Who’s Ricardo?” Seriously, Jack, what did I just say? Go get another shitty tattoo or be an alcoholic or something, some of us have work to do.

Unfortunately, Ricardo doesn’t know what to do next, because Ricardo is going bonkers.

“Do you want to know a secret, Jack,” Ricardo says. “Something I’ve known a long, long time? You’re dead.” Oh thank God. “We’re all dead.” Oh wait. “All this, it’s not what you think it is. We’re not on an island, we never were. We’re in hell.” Oh Ricardo, COME ON. Everyone abandoned the afterlife theories in season 2, KEEP UP. Instead of keeping up, Ricardo grabs a torch and runs into the jungle. Very mature for a 100 billion year old man. Ben explains to Lapides (oh, Lapides) that Ricardo doesn’t age. Lapides asks, “well how do you think that happened?” On the one hand, that is a good question, on the other hand, Lapides is taking this a little TOO easily. You guys, I’m worried about Lapides! Oh well, no time. WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE (CANARY) ISLAND(S)!

Whuuuuut?!

So, Ricardo’s wife, Isabella, is sick with whatever. Everyone was sick back then. It was actually weirder when someone wasn’t sick. “If I weren’t so sick, I would divorce you for not being sick,” is what Isabella probably said in a scene they cut out for some reason. But she would have said it in Spanish. Ricardo is going to go get some medicine from the doctor. Isabella gives him her necklace. Oh good. Traditionally, in movies and television, when someone who is sick gives their loved one some kind of memento or keepsake, it means they are going to be fine. So I’ve got a really good feeling about this. Ricardo goes to the doctor, but I guess doctors weren’t cool like they are now.

They were jerks!

Ricardo eventually kills him (whoops) and gets the medicine (which I think is cocaine?) but it is too late. By the time he gets home, Isabella is dead. Awww. So now he is in jail, waiting to be hanged. He asks the priest for forgiveness, but the priest is like, “no.” Yikes. Although, to be fair, five minutes later the priest sells him into slavery, so he is just not a very good priest. But so now Ricardo is a slave. Uh, WHAT? Not only have I never heard of white Spanish prisoners being sold into slavery, but 1867 is post-Civil War. I don’t want to go to Race Jail, so someone please feel free to correct me, but I am just very confused about what kind of slave ship Ricardo is being put on, and where that slave ship is supposedly even going. Whatever, nevermind, the slave ship just crashed into a statue.

“Welcome to the Island, bitch!” — Luke Ward

There are a few survivors on the slave ship down in the hold (look at Professor Ships over here), who call for help when they hear the crew arguing on the deck (seriously, I should probably write http://www.shipsgum.com) and they DO get the crew’s attention, but that does not go very well.

The captain explains that he really needs to stab everyone with his sword because, if he doesn’t, it will only be a matter of time before they tried to kill him. Fair enough! I thought this guy was just a slave trader, I didn’t realize he was also an airtight logic trader! Before he can sword stab Ricardo (no pendejo) there is a noise up top. We, of course, know that it is the smoke monster, but all the slave trader knows is that someone spilled impossibly unrealistic fake blood especially for a show of this expense and popularity all over his coat.

The smoke monster kills the captain, and comes to kill Ricardo, but something stops him.

The smoke monster leaves, and then Ricardo is left all alone, chained to the wall of the galley of the slave ship. Blah blah blah. He is so hungry! He is so thirsty! He is so chained! He tries to get rain water, but it’s too far away. Rain water FAIL. He pulls a nail out of the floorboards and tries to use that to cut his chains free, but then a pig full of man flesh knocks the nail out of his hands (don’t worry about it), pig and nail FAIL. And then he sees Isabella. Looks like someone got into the Friskies. Isabella explains that they are both dead. And also:

Ugh, you, too, Isabella? You guys aren’t in hell! And if you are in hell, I am going to be so mad! The smoke monster comes and kills her, or something? Even I am starting to feel faint and dizzy from this endless trapped-in-the-ship sequence. Anyway, at long last, someone comes to save Ricardo. Is it Jacob? No! It is the man in black. In his old Man in Black body! He agrees to save Ricardo if Ricardo promises to be on Team Locke (basically), and Ricardo agrees. And then the Man in Black says “it’s good to see you out of those chains, my friend,” which is what Locke will say to Richard after Ben kills Jacob in 140 years, or whatever. Just in case you started watching Lost two episodes ago and ALMOST understand EVERYTHING, but were confused about this one thing.

The Man in Black’s first order of business is for Ricardo to go and kill Jacob. HAHA. Boy, you have to hand it to this island, it is all business. Business in the front, mountains in the back, as they say. He wants him to take a magical dagger and stab it into Jacob’s chest without hesitation, before Jacob can say a word. Hey, WAIT A SECOND. That was how Sayid was supposed to kill Locke Monster! Ay-ay-ay! At first, Ricardo is like, you know, thanks for saving me, and this pulled pork is delicious, but I am not really into murdering a dude I have never seen before. And the Man in Black is like, “he’s the devil.” And Ricardo is like, “right, see, about that, killing the devil is actually even more difficult and terrifying sounding than just killing a dude, which I already wasn’t into?” And the Man in Black is like, “if you do it, then you will get to see your wife again. Also, I’m a smoke monster.” And Ricardo is like, “it’s a deal!”

Friendship?!

So Ricardo goes to kill the devil/Jacob, but unfortunately, he does not train himself in hand-to-hand combat first, or even wait half an hour for his food to digest. As a basic rule of thumb, I say if you’re not supposed to swim, you’re not supposed to try and kill the devil. Anyway, Jacob gets the drop on him and just clobbers him, former Golden Gloves style. (He also speaks before Ricardo can stab him, just like Locke spoke before Sayid could stab him.) And then he gives him a swirlie. “Now do you believe you’re alive, NERD?” Then they have a nice glass of wine on the beach.

So the way Jacob explains it is that the island is basically a cork on a bottle of nightmare wine, and if the island weren’t there, then all the evil wine would get out. (Which means what for sunken-irradiated-island-Bizzaro LA?) No offense to the island, but there is still a lot of darkness and evil in the world. WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ISLAND. He also explains that he brings people to the island to give them the chance to…not be jerks. And it doesn’t matter if they were jerks in the past, here they have a choice. Sure, Jacob. I mean, personally, it seems like a lot of people have just been straight up killed by the smoke monster, choices aside. (I am still waiting for my apology about Mr. Ecko, Smoke Monster.) Also, if Jacob can summon slave ships from across the seas and visit “candidates” when they are still children, and tell Ilana what is going to happen on the island AFTER HE DIES, I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t also know whether people are going to “choose” to be jerks or not. Anyway, he gives Ricardo the job of “middle-manager.” And his salary is “immortality.” It is delivered in one lump sum via direct deposit:

Ricardo goes back into the jungle and tells the Man in Black that it’s a no go, and also gives him a white rock. The Man in Black is like “aw shoot. Shoot man! Dang it. I really thought I had him this time.” But he promises Ricardo that he can come be on his team whenever he wants, EVEN IF IT TAKES 140 PLUS YEARS, and hands him Isabella’s golden necklace. Which Ricardo promptly buries two inches in the dirt.

140+ years go by.

Richard is heading out to the stone bench to retrieve Isabella’s golden necklace. Oh good, it’s still right there. He shouts into the jungle that he is ready to be on Team Smoke Monster. He hates Team Jacob. There is a rustle in the bushes. It’s Locke! No, wait, it’s not Locke. It’s Hurley! Classic Hurley Sneak Attack. And then things get very Righteous Brothers:

Both Teams can summon ghosts? What is this war?! I’m on Team This Guy. Anyway, Ricardo stays on Team Jacob, and now he knows what to do next. Because the ghost of Isabella told him in the dulcet sounds of Hurley’s voice that he had to keep the Man in Black from leaving the island. WAIT, WHAT? We already knew that, Isabella! You waited 140 years in “the in-between” to tell us something vague and threatening that we already knew? Ghosts are so unhelpful! Meanwhile, Locke Smoke Monster was eavesdropping. Uh oh! Spooky eavesdropping!

The episode ends with Jacob and the Man in Black hanging out on a log in 1876. I love when Jacob and the Man in Black hang out.

Jacob is like “I see you got my present.” Uh, it’s a white rock, Jacob. Relax. Like, at the very least I hope the TWO OF YOU understand WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON and don’t feel the need to communicate exclusively in impenetrable riddles and metaphors. Anyway, blah blah blah, the Man in Black just wants to leave. But Jacob won’t let him. Because of how wine works. As Jacob leaves, he is like “I’ll see you around,” and the Man in Black is like, “sooner than you think.” Really? Sooner than he thinks? “In less than 150 years, you will be seeing me around.” I guess it is true that the best surprises are the ones you never see coming. Although, yet again, I am pretty sure that Jacob sees it coming.

And then the Man in Black smashes the jug of wine. OOH. Evil wine metaphor spilling out over a log into dirt 140 years ago. LOL. This was a good episode, no duh, but between the wine bottle smash and last week’s “no, Marmalade, we’re taking the sub,” Lost SERIOUSLY needs to work on its cliffhangers.