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Gossip Girl S03E13: Everyone Has AIDS

Oh good. For awhile there, I was scared that Gossip Girl would never return. What a shame that would have been! We might never have been able to find out what happened to our wonderful friends! Will Blair ever find an elite social circle to selfishly manipulate? Will Chuck’s hotel turn a profit before his 20th birthday? Will Nate do something? Of course, now that the show is back, all of these burning and, most importantly, INTERESTING questions will be answered. And the best part is, Gossip Girl has been picked up for a fourth season.

“Purrrrfect.” — this guy.

Hopefully next year everyone will go to space and try to date rape an alien on the steps of the Moon Met, and Serena will discover that her real dad is a being of pure thought and energy sent from the future to stop Constance from ever being a plotline on this show. And the President of the United States, Peaches Geldof, will declare college ILLEGAL, and institute a law that there must be TWO outlandish parties every week. But that’s all in the distant future. For now, we are still stuck in boring New York City, where people only try to date rape other humans, and we are limited to ONE outlandish party every week.

This week, that party is a dinner for the French ambassador, and les everybodies who are les anybodies are going to be la there.

But first, let us catch up with all our pals! Hi, guys! So, Serena is no longer working at Nate’s cousin’s congressional office (Oh boy, it really has been a long time since this show was on the air. Doctor, an extra dose of Disbelief Suppression Pills, plz!) and instead she is working in Nate’s Pants Office. Meanwhile, Chuck discovered a woman placing flowers and a locket on his father’s grave and he was like “wait a second, my mom died in childbirth, so that definitely can’t be my mom because that would be almost like a shitty soap opera plot in terms of convenience and believability, but let me at least remove the locket from the grave (where I am hanging out at night like a normal 19 year old New York business mogul) and put it in a jewelry box in my penthouse apartment that has a motorcycle hilariously parked in it at all times, I’m serious.” That is what he is like. Oh, and Blair is still trying to become a member of La Table Elitaire, the most elite make-believe social organization in all of Disneyland. Rufus, of course, father of two teenage children, and fiance of one of the wealthiest women in the city, has gone on a skiing trip by himself. Classic Rufus. I’m sure he spent New Year’s Eve collecting his Father of the Decade Award. From the warden in prison.

AND SO IT BEGINS.

Everyone is telling Nate and Serena that they need to take their relationship slowly. Blair says that she knows Nate, and that the only way it is going to work is to take your time. Sure. Although, Serena also knows Nate, and the reason Blair and Nate’s relationship fell apart was because he fucked Serena at a wedding when they were all, like, 12 or something, getting drunk on cocainetinis or whatever. But sure, yes, take it slow, you guys. Dan also tells Nate to take it slow, because DAN WAS READING SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BLOGS AND THEY SAID TO TAKE IT SLOW. You know how it is when two 19-year-old millionaires meet in a cafe near NYU and trade tips they picked up from relationship advice blogs. It’s called a conversation, and everyone has them! Nate is like “I am definitely going to listen to your advice, Dan, because you have been having a lot of trouble in your own relationships and can’t seem to keep shit together, so when you tell me you got it from some relationship advice blogs, that just seems like good advice to me.” Meanwhile, Nate and Serena fuck each other immediately. In Blair’s mom’s house? Even just the geographical orientation of this show has stopped making sense.

Jenny is still hanging out with her drug dealer Belgian ambassador cookie troll. He comes over to the penthouse and Lilly is like “Rufus and I haven’t discussed you having boys in your room, so how about you keep the door open,” and Jenny is like, “If we wanted to have sex, we’d go to a hotel.” REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER AND WHAT IT WAS LIKE TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS? Lilly then says “Oh, by the way, I don’t have any idea where your father is, do you know when he will be coming home?” She is just really establishing herself as a powerful authority figure who commands respect. Anyway, Lilly goes to Brooklyn to try and find Rufus, who is home from his skiing trip (see: skis in corner) but has not called her (or his children). So much for worrying about Jenny leaving the door to her room open? Well, that’s fine, because it gives Jenny and Keebler more privacy to talk about how they are going to sneak a bag of ecstasy into the French Ambassador dinner that night. Jenny suggests they sew it into the lining of a coat, because one million years ago she was interested in being a fashion designer.

Blair finds Chuck’s not-mom’s pendant and is like “what is this locket” and Chuck is like “don’t worry about the locket” but then Chuck is like “god damn you and your mysteries, locket!” It goes something like this:

Oh locket! Chuck tries to track down the owner of the locket but he can’t track her down. And Blair gets mad at him because he should stop trying to track down the owner of a locket with his father’s face in it that is DEFINITELY going to turn out to be his mother when he should be trying to secure Blair an introduction to a frenchman with a comical name (Monsieur Delableh) so that she can advance her social calendar. Right. I mean, look, Blair is hilarious and self-absorbed, and a cold-hearted snake (look into her eyes), but she also would not seriously fly off the handle at Chuck in such an inane and garbage way. Whoa. Look at me standing up to the Big Gossip Girl writers for their treatment of Blair’s character’s integrity. I’m like Matt Damon in The Informant! Toot toot! I’m blowing the whistle! Anyway, later, Chuck will apologize to Blair and they will go find the owner of the locket together, and she will pretend like she doesn’t know what they are talking about, and Blair will be like, “I know a liar when I see one, because I’m a freshman in college so I can definitely match wits with a grown woman who has successfully evaded her son for his entire life under the guise of being dead.” Chuck is like “oh well, mystery solved,” but in the previews for next week he says “she is my mother.” It’s like, obviously we could see that coming, NO DUH WITH A CAPITAL N-O-D-U-AND-H, but at the same time, they could have saved that “explosive” reveal for the actual episode? What’s the point of building up elaborate and stupid dramatic twists if you’re just going to lay them all out there, like so many Top Secret Research Files On Secret Lockets?

Ugh. Don’t worry about it.

Nate goes back to Chuck’s penthouse to play pool by himself (huh?) and Serena comes over and wants to get it wet, but Nate is like, “look, I was hanging out with Dan and he told me about these relationship advice blogs, and I think we shouldn’t get it wet, because of our relationship and these blogs.” So Serena gets in the elevator and calls the Keebler Elf and asks him to take her to the French ambassador’s dinner? Oh man. I don’t understand why every single character on this show’s first reaction to the slightest hesitation or mixed signal from the sexual and romantic partner to whom they just professed their forever undying love and desire for a serious commitment is to immediately abandon that person for the last person they saw. It’s seriously like some kind of carnival gypsy curse. So Keebler dumps Jenny even though Jenny told figured out how to sneak ecstasy into this party, and he insists that he is going to use Serena as his drug mule instead. Oh, this is going to work out perfectly. But now Nate is jealous and Jenny is jealous. Oh wait, right, nevermind, they will just go to the dinner together. I always forget that everyone will just go with everyone else. UPPER EAST SIIIIIIDE!

And now it is time for this wonderful party. Everyone is there!

So, needless to say, it turns out that it is harder to trick someone into being your drug mule while they are trying to trick you into making their new boyfriend jealous than it might seem at first glance! Now the French ambassador’s daughter might never get her shoulder-shawl full of ecstasy! But it all works out in the end because Serena and Nate end up having sex on a sofa in the back of the very spacious and well-lit coat check room just as everyone is beginning to get their coats and leave, and then they even fall asleep there for awhile, like normal people doing a normal thing.

This gives Jenny just enough time to pull a classic “switcherooney” (drug industry term) on the coats and keep the Keebler Elf from having to return to Home Tree. Yay! And now Nate and Serena are together! Oh phew! I was so worried that the sexual revolving door might take an extra rotation before they had a chance to break up in two weeks on their own terms. Now, where were we with Lilly and Rufus? Oh right, THEY ARE FUCKING PARENTS OF CHILDREN. Rufus finally comes home and confronts Lilly. To be fair to this fictional character who is as make-believe as he is a piece of garbage, it is not unreasonable to be upset with your fiancee when you discover that she spent a night in a hotel room with her ex-husband. But you also don’t have to be 12-years-old about it and go on a soul-searching spirit-ski-quest and spend three days wandering around New York (doing WHAT, btw?) ignoring your children in order to get the fucking balls to ask “what was up with that?” And Lilly tells him that she did kiss her ex-husband but that she did not sleep with him, and so Rufus does what any full-grown adult man with two teenage children who are now living in the same home as your fiancee and her teenage children would do: he goes downstairs to the neighbor’s apartment:

This is as smart as it is reasonable. Rufus Humphrey: dad of the CENTURY.

Next week: NEW YORK IS UNDER ATTACK! CLOVERFIELD 2 starring Blake Lively and Leighton Crawford! I wish.