It’s hard to believe that the most important and wonderful night of the year is already here once again. I’m so excited to see which of these famous and successful millionaires gets an intellectually and creatively bankrupt symbol of a callous and self-obsessed industry’s lavish self-affirmation. Just kidding! LET’S TALK ABOUT THE DRESSES! Just kidding again! The truth is, the Academy Awards are overripe and exhausting garbage nonsense, but they are OUR overripe and exhausting garbage nonsense. As a deeply entrenched American tradition, we are required to enjoy and celebrate this “wonderful” occasion, LIKE A FAMILY. And so we do! Right? So make a Precioustini and let’s watch the Oscars together tonight, because if we don’t, then what were all the wars about anyway? We will have an exciting (very exciting) live-Twitter feed going at http://www.twitter.com/videogum, the highlights of which you can follow after the jump, if you are anti-Twitter, which is, to be honest, a completely reasonable thing to be.
AND THE ENVELOPE PLEASE! (Oh jeez, it is going to be a long night, and we are off to a terrible start.)
11:58 Congratulations to Tom Hanks for just GETTING THE JOB DONE. (And congratulations to The Hurt Locker for Best Picture.)
11:57 Don’t worry, Jason Reitman, the Worst Director Oscar is still to come!
11:53 Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker) wins for Best Director. MAKE HER FEEL GOOD!
11:46 Avatar for Best Actress! (Sandra Bullock wins for The Barf Side.)
11:45 Um, Peter Sarsgaard’s speech about Carey Mulligan was the grossest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
11:42 It was very brave of Forest Whittaker to take credit for Hope Floats. American hero. South Beach diet.
11:31 Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor. STAY WITH ME, DVR.
11:30 My DVR just threatened to go into “sleep mode” and I honestly was hard pressed to convince it not to.
11:28 It is so awesome to hear how much these famous millionaires respect the other famous millionaires.
11:15 El Secreto De Sus Ojos wins for Best Foreign Picture, AKA Best Foreign Lorrie.
11:06 The Hurt Locker wins for Best Editing.
11:05 Tyler Perry is almost as bad at delivering this pre-written banter as he is at delivering his own scripts!
11:02: The Cove wins Best Documentary.
10:55 AVATAR WAS ROBBED oh wait (Best Visual Effects).
10:51 Up wins for Best Original Score. POP! LOCK!
10:49 If there is one thing that I think of when I think about Pixar’s beautiful and heartbreaking movie Up, it’s “poppin and lockin'” #oscars #huh
10:48 I can’t wait to hear Randy Jackson’s critiques of all the dancers. #americasnextbestoscardancecrew
10:47 This interpretive dancing really brings the wonderful Sherlock Holmes score to life! #oscars #sarcasm #howmuchmore
10:38 The audience should be asked to hold their applause until the end of the death montage, because these shifts are super uncomfortable.
10:36 FINALLY, the In Memorium montage. R.I.P. guys.
10:34 Avatar wins for Best Cinematography. Never has a computer been more deserving!
10:25 And a special award to anyone who knows the difference between Sound Mixing/Sound Editing.
10:25 The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Mixing.
10:24 The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Editing.
10:21 DEAR OSCARS, BEETLEJUICE IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE, AND NOR IS TWILIGHT. LEPRECHAUN IS, SO ONE POINT THERE, I AM GOING CRAZY WITH THIS SHIT.
10:11 Some lady wins yet another Oscar for Costume Design. Selfish. (The Young Victoria wins.)
10:05 Avatar wins for Best Art Direction. Fair enough.
10:00 The motto of this year’s Oscars is “Zero Upsets, Zero Suprises: The Borings.” (Mo’nique wins for Best Supporting Actress.)
9:54 That is simply too many lamps, Robin Williams.
9:50 Congratulations to Jeffrey Fletcher for naming his screenplay Best Adapted Screenplay: The Movie. (Precious wins.)
9:40 Star Trek wins for best make up (and worst backwards Kangol)
9:35 The New Tenants wins Best Live Action Short
9:33 Music by Prudence for Best Documentary Short
9:31 Logorama wins Best Animated Short
9:25 “Which movie will win for Best Special Effects, will it be Avatar, District 9, or Star Trek?” SHUT UP, OSCARS.
9:23 Sorry, John Cryer, but you still did not deserve that Emmy, and no amount of John Hughes dying will change that.
9:19 It is important to state facts. RT @ChelseaVPeretti: Molly Ringwald has pretty eyes……………………….
9:18 Matthew Broderick looks like he’s vying for a role in a movie about a magician’s doll who comes to life.
9:14 Mark Boal wins for Best Original Screenplay for The Hurt Locker.
9:12 Great presentations of Oscars begin with gr–TIMING!
9:04 Congratulations to the song that won Best Song! I am going to assume you were better or somehow more deserving than the other songs! (the song from Crazy Heart for Best Song)
8:58 It’s OK if Up beats Fantastic Mr. Fox for Best Animated Feature, because Fox will win Best Picture, right? (Up for Best Animated Feature)
8:48 WOODY HARRELSON WAS NOT ROBBED! (Christopher Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor.)
8:41 This is hard to say, but I liked Alec Baldwin more on the Marriage Ref, and the Marriage Ref was terrible!
8:31 Am I at the Oscars, or am I at prom? Doesmn’t matter! Both are awful!
8:27 Interviewing Taylor Latuner for 10 seconds is definitely going to make the Oscars more appealing to the 12-13 demographic.
8:17 Someone should probably tell Antonio Banderas that auditions for The Wolf Man ended 18 months ago, or whatever.
8:11 I think something is wrong with Kathy Ireland’s S1M0NE software.
8:01 It’s weird that Kathy Ireland spent all that time as a model when she should clearly have been a professional talker. #sarcasm
8:00 Goodbye, Ryan Seacrest. Goodnight sweet prince!
7: 37 It was incredibly brave of Barbara Walters to conduct her Oscar Special in The View studio after 9/11. American Hero.
7:30 you guys, quick question: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?