That’s Your Boyfriend: Doctor Hawkpanther

When you first met your boyfriend, you thought, “he/this can’t be real.” And then you found his website, and you were like “OK, he/this DEFINITELY ISN’T real, but he/this is still MINE.” And ever since then you’ve been dating him (marriage is for wimps and fags, he is constantly reminding you) and definitely sleeping in the same bed with him. You guys share almost everything except for affection, common courtesy, basic decency, respect, and tanning secrets. No matter how many times you ask, he will not give up his precious tanning secrets!

Your boyfriend’s TV commercial (TV COMMERCIAL!) after the jump.

The thing is, it’s the law of the jungle. If you look at any type of animal–and humans ARE animals after all–you’ll see that the dominating alpha males of the species have bought a mail-order course in how to be alpha males. One of the defining characteristics of an alpha male, actually, is his need for instruction on how to be selfish and overbearing, and his love of cassette-based systems.

Oh, and I’m not trying to make you jealous or uncomfortable, but I am DEFINITELY following your boyfriend on Twitter. (Thanks for the tip, Emma.)