This Is The Real NSFW

I feel like we, as a society, have lost an understanding for what NSFW actually means. Now, there is definitely NSFW language, which would be embarrassing to be heard blaring from your computer speakers during an important meeting with NCT about all those big deals and the one million dollars you have in revenues and sales. That is where the expression “headphones UP” comes from, to deal with exactly these situations. But a lot of people assume that NSFW means porno, and it doesn’t mean porno, or at least it shouldn’t. Look, we all live in an Internet Society now. The world is basically Stomp but for porno instead of corny percussion. It is all around us! It’s almost weird if you DON’T have a little bush flash on your screen every once in awhile. “Hey, Tom, I’ve noticed you haven’t accidentally opened any inappropriate websites and then frantically tried to close them before anyone notices in awhile. You should probably check your Internet Settings and make sure they are working.”

No, what is actually NSFW is not porno, which is ubiquitous and unavoidable. What is NSFW is the borderline-innocuous video that doesn’t overtly show any bared flesh or penetration, but somehow says something even more important about you for watching it. We all casually stumble over sexual content, but we don’t all stumble over hilarious fetish content, the way you do, at your desk, all day long, weirdo. For example, this video, in which a woman in a sports bra and a thong crushes watermelon’s between her powerful thighs while kneeling on a blue plastic tarp in what appears to be her guest bedroom or home office. It is not that explicit, but it is the definition of NSFW.

Whoops, you’re fired! Have those reports on what is wrong with you on my desk by Creep O’Clock. (Thanks for the tip, Bubbles. You were right when you pointed out that this video is “interesting.”)