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Lost S06E04: Locke It Down! (Sorry!)

Yes! Finally! I should have known that what we all needed was a good Locke episode to get things back on track! Locke was like, “Why don’t you save your papier-mache sub-Universal Studios sets and your sitcom cameos for another Kate episode, we have work to do here.” High-five, Locke.

So, in bizarro land, Locke is alive again, and back in a wheelchair, and he is dating that lady again! The one who broke up with him because she decided that she didn’t want to be with a lying, potentially sociopathic, chronic depressive with Major Daddy Issues. They are engaged to be married! And apparently, based on something she says, Locke is still on speaking terms with his dad? In bizarro land, maybe he is in a wheelchair for a reason OTHER than because of his dad throwing him out of a plateglass window. Anything is possible! I’m just saying, he is still talking to his bizarro dad in bizarro town, and back in the real world, when your dad throws you through a plateglass window because you won’t stop giving him a headache about how he stole your kidney, that’s a dealbreaker, ladies! Locke is like, “I better sit in a bathtub and drink some tea and look at fabric samples.” The world is topsy-turvy!

His lady finds bizarro Jack Shepard’s spinal surgery business card, and she tells Locke to call him because you never know. Huh? I mean, sure, yes, we all need to hold out hope in this world, it is the only way to combat the darkness, but ever since Oceanic flight 815 did or didn’t crash kind of, people are tossing around spinal surgery like it’s a Legacy Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Anyway, Locke is not sure if he wants to put his life in the hands of some dude he met in the Lost Luggage (LOST LUGGAGE!) Department, and I don’t blame him. If I was stuck in a wheelchair and a spinal surgeon came up to me out of nowhere and asked how I ended up in a wheelchair because he is a spinal surgeon and thinks his medical expertise means that everything is his business, I would say, “that is actually none of your business, and good day to you, sir.”

Then this dude fires him from his telemarketing job:

Grosssssssssss. Guess what his name is? His name is Randy. Grossssssssssss. Although, to be fair to Randy, Locke did get his company to pay for him to fly to Australia under the auspices of going to a conference that he did not go to so that he could go on a walkabout that he did not go on, so that seems like pretty reasonable grounds for termination. Also, what company sends a telemarketer to Australia to go to a conference? And what kind of conference is it? Headset cleaning and maintenance? Also, if John Locke didn’t go to the conference AND didn’t end up going on the walkabout, what did he do for the rest of the trip? OH, LOST, ALWAYS WITH THE MYSTERIES AND QUESTIONS! Speaking of mysteries and questions, John cleans out his desk and goes to his car and runs into the owner of the company:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Hurley is like “you know, I also own a temp company, call this number and they will hook you up.” So Locke goes to Mr. Cluck’s Temp Agency, or whatever, and he meets with one of the job placement officers:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Locke and Rose have an argument because Locke wants a temp job in construction and Rose is like “let’s be realistic,” and Locke is like, “why don’t you be realistic,” and Rose is like, “how about terminal cancer, is that realistic enough for you?” and Locke is like, “sometimes I feel like I’m not in a wheelchair, but in a shamechair.” So he gets a temp job as a substitute teacher, and goes into the faculty lounge for some tea and meets one of the other teachers:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Oh man. Obviously that last one is the real Criss Angel Mindfreak because even if the plane never crashed on the island, and everyone made it safely back to Los Angeles, Ben should still be on the island (same with Desmond from the season opener). Welcome to Bonkers Town, Population: This Show! Locke goes home and tells his fiance that he was fired from his job and that he is not going to call the weird spinal surgeon from the airport, and his fiance is basically like, it’s OK, I love you. Uh, fiance, have you seen the Dexter Morgan knife case?

You don’t seem to care at all? Fair enough. Some people just have a calmer reaction to discovering their husband-to-be has a giant titanium suitcase filled with all the knives than other’s.

MEANWHILE, back on THE ISLAND. Check it out, dudes, Smokecam!

Smoke Monster Locke has tied Richard Alpert up in a tree? When last week’s episode ended, I thought that Locke had led a bunch of people off the beach into the jungle, but apparently everyone else is still on the beach and it’s just Smoke Monster Locke and Richard Alpert in a canvas laundry bag.

Richard Alpert is the sack monster!

Smoke Monster Locke says something about candidates or something and Richard is like what are you talking about candidates and Smoke Monster Locke is like Jacob never told you? And Richard Alpert is like told me what? And this is already a theme for this season I can tell because it has been happening A TON. It goes something like this:

Character 1: Oh, don’t you know about hint at a new mystery?
Character 2: What do you mean, hint at a new mystery?
Character 1: Oh my God, I’m sorry, I thought you knew all about the mystery.
Audience: WHAT?

Smoke Monster Locke asks Richard to come with him, but Richard is like No Way, Jose. And throughout the episode people talk about how Smoke Monster Locke is “recruiting.” For what? Who knows. Meanwhile, back on the beach, they bury the real John Locke in Mr. Ecko’s graveyard, and I was really hoping Mr. Ecko would come back, but he didn’t come back, but I am still hoping. Do what’s right, Carlton Lindelof, or whoever. Ben is like “John Locke was a good man, and I am sorry I murdered him.” Good speech, Ben! That is a normal speech someone gives at a burial.

But Smoke Monster Locke is recruiting! Whatever that means! He finds Sawyer all drunk in a tank top listening to The Stooges, classic Sawyer Style, in the Dharma campground. “Juliet always loved the Arts and Crafts Cabin best!” He offers Smoke Monster Locke a drink of Dharma Whiskey, and Smoke Monster Locke is like, “you sure don’t seem to mind that I am dead,” and Sawyer is like, “Listen apple cheeks, you don’t dance with the coyote until the moon is full,” or whatever. He ain’t care! But also he knows that Smoke Monster Locke is not Regular Locke. Anyway, they go out into the jungle for some answers, naturally, and Smoke Monster Locke cannot shake these visions of a wastrel boy. Come back here, wastrel!

The little boy is like “you know you can’t kill him,” and him is Jacob no duh, and Smoke Monster Locke shouts “DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T DO!” just like Real Locke! Oh, I hope that there is some Real Locke left inside of him and in the final episode there is one of those miserable scenes were someone is like “Come on, Real Locke, I know you’re in there, you have got to fight back,” and then you see, like, all kinds of fighting faces where the two Lockes are wrestling for control of the Locke body and it’s the worst. Just kidding! I don’t want that to happen! Anyway, Richard takes a brief moment to tell Sawyer to be careful because Smoke Monster Locke is recruiting. Yes, we know, Dr. Eyeliner. Also, this is funny to me for some reason:

I imagine if Sawyer ever got off the island and started a Facebook account, all of his pictures would look just like this, but with varying lengths of hair/beard.

Anyway, Sawyer and Smoke Monster Locke go down an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom rope ladder to a secret cave. Have you guys ever heard of a deus ex machina? Well, in Lost it is called a deus ex cave, temple, and/or Dharma substation. They are always inventing new places whenever they feel like they need to explain something. Fair enough. It’s your island, boys. So there is a scale with a white rock and a black rock on it, and Smoke Monster Locke throws the white rock into the ocean, and even Sawyer is like, “you are corny.”

Then they go into the cave and everyone’s names are written on the ceiling. These are Jacob’s candidates! Candidates for what?! Candidates to “protect the island.” Protect the island from what? From nothing, says Smoke Monster Locke, although I really do not find him to be a reliable narrator at this point. Anyway, I guess he recruits Sawyer. But also, each of the names on the cave corresponds to one of the crazy numbers. Sure. But when Sawyer asks about the numbers, Smoke Monster Locke just says, “Whatever, Jacob had a thing for numbers.”

BE CAREFUL, LOST. Seriously, if that is the only explanation for the numbers, that they correspond to Jacob’s secret cave because he just made it up for fun, I am going to write such a scathing paragraph buried in some recap on this little-read pop culture blog some day, it will make your head spin. THAT IS NOT A THREAT IT IS A PROMISE.

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

I wish every week could be a Locke episode. What’s next week going to be? Fucking, Bernard?