Operation Kevin Smith Drop

Maybe you’ve already heard about this, but there was some big news (get it? You’ll get it) this weekend when director Kevin Smith was forcibly removed from a Southwest Airlines plane for being too fat. Yikes! It turns out those hockey jerseys were more concealing than we could have ever known! From People magazine:

Kevin Smith’s most famous role is a guy who rarely speaks. But he’s got a lot to say – much of it profane – after being kicked off a Southwest Air flight because he didn’t fit comfortably into the seat.

“You [messed] with the wrong sedentary processed-foods eater!” Smith, whose next film, Cop Out, comes out Feb. 26, posted on Twitter.

It was one of many Tweets recounting the actor/director’s humiliating expulsion Saturday from the Oakland-to-Burbank, Calif. flight. Southwest said in a statement airline officials had called Smith to offer their “heartfelt apologies,” but also stated his removal was for the “safety and comfort of all customers.”

Ouch. Safety and comfort of ALL customers. When Kevin Smith sits around the plane he really NEVERMIND. We don’t need to finish that joke. We do need to finish reading this article about the time Kevin Smith was forcibly removed from a Southwest Airlines plane for being too fat:

Smith, 39, originally purchased two tickets “as he’s been known to do when traveling Southwest,” the airline noted, but when he decided to fly standby on an earlier flight, only one seat remained. Although he had been seated, he was asked to leave.

“If a customer cannot comfortably lower the armrest and infringes on a portion of another seat, a customer seated adjacent would be very uncomfortable and a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency might be compromised if we allow a cramped, restricted seating arrangement,” Southwest said.

Smith, who played Silent Bob in his Clerks movies and who has battled his weight for years – “I know I’m fat,” he confesses – was given a $100 voucher and arrived in Burbank on a later flight. But he was in no mood to accept an apology.

“I broke no regulation, offered no ‘safety risk’ (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?)” he Tweeted. “I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight! But I wasn’t about to throw a fellow Fatty under the plane as I’m being profiled. But he & I made eye contact, & he was like ‘Please don’t tell…'”

After landing in Burbank, Smith wrote, “Don’t worry: wall of the plane was opened & I was airlifted out while Richard Simmons supervised.”

Smith added that while the ordeal was embarrassing, his “Jersey Girl training” (the 2004 flop starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) was helping him cope.

Womp womp. Jersey Girl jokes!

Here’s the thing: I am sure the whole situation was embarrassing for everyone involved. I am sure that other passengers on the plane were embarrassed, and that the crew was embarrassed, and that Kevin Smith was extra embarrassed (because of how much of him there is!). But also, if you are already in the habit of buying two tickets every time you fly, a) go to the doctor (RUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN) and b) don’t be surprised that apparently you really do need two seats? Like, you can relax with the fake populism, Kevin Smith. “It is insulting that Southwest Airlines would enforce a policy that I specifically spend extra money to help them follow.” What? So the airline had to give him a $100 voucher and executives had to apologize to him? Why? “We are so sorry that you dress yourself like a 15-year-old and Twitter incessantly about your wife’s taint.”

I am just so sick of these Hollywood fat cats throwing their weight around! Someone could get hurt!