Liveblogging Jay Leno On Oprah

In the aftermath of the NBC late night melt-down that resulted in Conan O’Brien being forced out of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno has begun his whistlestop tour of image rehabilitation. First stop, Oprah! To be honest, as a 56-year-old man, up until today I thought this show was just about dog-shampoo tips and Tom Cruise. But initial reports suggest that this lady, whoever she is, is going to ask some TOUGH QUESTIONS. Let’s see!

4:00 Here we go! In the words of the philosopher Jim Carrey’s The Mask, IT’S SHOWTIME!

4:01 Say what you will about Oprah, but no one could argue that that this show doesn’t use enough soft-filter.
4:04 Jay Leno knows that you never retire when you are still on top. Always wait until things start to fall apart. Champion.
4:11 Is Oprah always this boring? LADIES?
4:13 Oh phew. Jay Leno does not have any hard feelings towards Conan. More like Jay Gentlemeno.
4:16 Haha. Jay Leno feels that the Time magazine article calling him “the future of television” was “fair.” Diplomat! Is the United Nations hiring?
4:18 Oprah: a lot of people are not on your side, because they think that you have been selfish. PAH!
4:20 Oprah: “Conan said he felt moving the Tonight Show [to 12:05] would be destructive to the franchise. Jay Leno: “Well, if you look at the ratings [shithead smirky dramatic pause] [pause] [what a shithead] it was already destructive to the franchise.”

4:26 This is the worst.
4:28 Like, when Oprah asks Jay if he wanted to call Conan and he says yes but that he didn’t feel it would be appropriate, what a bunch of nonsense. It’s actually fine that he didn’t want to call him, whatever, he’s a jerk, no duh. But be a fucking man, Jay Leno. There is absolutely nothing INAPPROPRIATE about calling a colleague or even just a fellow HUMAN BEING in a situation like this. What a self-denying narcissistic asshole. YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, JAY LENO. Either be a backstabbing careerist crap, or be an actual nice guy (and you have clearly made your choice), but after that, live with it.
4:34 Oprah thinks that Leno’s joke about Letterman’s infidelities were “beneath him.” Really? How? Beneath WHAT?
4:36 Jay Leno has compared show business to marriage, war, boxing, wrestling, and gun-slinging. NO RACE CAR DRIVING? HOW ABOUT CHIN HAVING?
4:38 You know, I didn’t actually think that Jay was personally responsible for getting Conan fired and taking back the Tonight Show until he went on Oprah and vehemently insisted that he had nothing to do with it, over and over and over, when no one even asked the question in the first place. Methinks the Leno doth protest too much (sorry).

4:44 Oh Jay, again, NO ONE expects you to have animosity towards Conan, because if you did you would be an ACTUAL FOREST MONSTER.
4:47 AHA! Here we go! Oprah explains that the reason she wanted to have Jay on the show was because she was surprised that people were mad at Jay, and that it must be that they don’t understand how showbiz works. THE QUEEN HAS GIVEN HER BLESSING. Fuck you, Oprah. It’s not 1987 anymore. The mystery of television is not what it used to be.
4:50 This interview is so frustrating that the When in Rome trailer that just played actually looked OK just because it was NOT THIS INTERVIEW.
4:51 “To me, retiring is a selfish thing to do.” — Jay Leno
4:52 Oprah was surprised and confused when her scientific poll showed 96% of people were on Conan’s side. It is so weird that a billionaire didn’t understand what is so distasteful to non-billionaires about a fellow billionaire’s power-grab.
4:56 Jay Leno insists that walking away from the Tonight Show would have been the egotistical thing to do. Sure. Looks like someone has an airplane hangar full of expensive, rare BULLSHIT.
4:57 Oprah extends an open invitation to Conan to be on her show. TEAM DON’T BOTHER!