Chris Matthews Forgot Barack Obama Was Black Last Night

I am not touching this one. I’m just going to stand here in the falling snow and watch Chris Matthews morosely climb the steps into the armored bus heading to Race Jail. He’s all yours, Warden! This thing is literally a suicide-race-bomb strapped to Matthews’s giant barrel chest, and anyone who gets too close is going to get blown into mind-pieces. CAREFUL! Chris Matthews is the Black Hurt Locker.

Did you watch the State of the Union last night, btw? (We use expressions like “btw” when talking about the most serious and important of political addresses now. We SEXT about it.) I thought it was pretty good!

I especially liked how excited the House would get every time Barack Obama mentioned them, like the JV squad of the Dillon Panthers at the annual Garrity Motors Cook Out. It is so weird to me, though, all the strategic standing and sitting? The key, it seems, if you want the opposing side to stand up and applaud, is to insert the word “America” somewhere into your phrase. Very popular word. Maybe the reason that the Republicans didn’t clap more was because Barack Obama didn’t look enough like a NIGHTMARE ROBOT FROM DEMON HELL like Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. “I am programmed to lie.” That dude looks like Two Face. Both of Two Face’s faces are terrifying and gross, right? If that guy is not caught in some kind of dispiriting (and disgusting) scandal involving extramarital sex and knife play within the next three years, I will hang up my Pundit Hat. (Note to self: buy a Pundit Hat. And a Pundit Hat Rack.)

But my favorite part of the speech was the last 10 minutes or so, when the room got really quiet, and Barack Obama was just crushing. You know what I’m talking about? It was like a scene from a movie. It was like Barack Obama was Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade and the Republican party was Mr. Trask, and the American people were Charlie Simms. Slow clap. HOOO-AH.

Except BLACK.