Jersey Shore S01E09: Season Finale, No Homo

And, as quickly as they came into our lives, they were gone. One thing about watching last night’s season finale of Jersey Shore, MTV’s biggest cultural phenomenon since the days when Heidi Montag was still a human being and not a nightmare-faced cyborg of liquid sadness, was that all the goodbye talk and the nostalgic trips down memory-boardwalk reminded us of how short-lived this show was. How many episodes were there, even? Three? And I am still confused by MTV’s insistence on rushing us through this thing. Last week they showed two episodes back-to-back at the very height of Jersey Shore fever when painfully stretching everything out as long as possible in the grand tradition of reality TV would have made total sense. And this week they ran the Reunion Episode right after the season finale, when they could have easily milked another week out of this show. Huh? I mean, I’m not the Jeff Zucker of MTV or anything (yet!), so far be it from me to tell them how to run their schedule, but I’m pretty sure new episodes of Teen Mom and that Liz Is a Nerd Like You Are a Nerd show they keep promoting aren’t going to burn the roof of the world, Snook-style. What is the hurry, MTV? Where is the fiyah?

I don’t know where the fiyah is, but I do know where the Gorilla Juice Head Parade is. It’s down on the shore! It’s Gorilla Central out there!

I love that this guy refused to sign a waiver to let his image be used on the show. Well, not his image, his face. He knows WHAT THE WORLD WANTS TO SEE. His greasy monster body! Yuck. Jwoww is very into Gorilla Juice Heads, though. She leaves work at the t-shirt store early, because this is an EMERGENCY. She probably told them that her grandma died, that is how serious this is. She rushes home to get Snooki, who is still asleep but knows that sometimes you have to wake up early (1:30PM) to get the disgusting worm, and they hit the beach, but Snooki is UNIMPRESSED. Meanwhile, The Situation won’t shut up about how Gorilla Juice Heads are out of style because “thin is in.” Because if there is one thing that we all think when we think of The Situation, it is being thin.

Whoops, go to jail. And speaking of jail, Ronnie is out of jail, you guys. Great news. And Sammi knows that when you have spent a night in jail, the only thing you want is to see people who love you, and to crush some energy drinks.

Ronnie says a bunch of hilarious things about how he is not the type of guy who spends the night in jail, which is kind of a meaningless statement when you are the type of guy who will get in so many fights constantly. It’s like a person who drives drunk regularly but just hasn’t happened to get involved in an accident yet saying that they are not the type of person who commits vehicular manslaughter. In any case, Ronnie has learned the real tragedy of what happened the night before:

Sammi has a clear grasp on what is important in this world. And that is her gripping fear of being alone for five minutes.

I love this artful shot:

I mean, come on. The closest any of these guys has gotten to drinking a martini is having a Diet Red Bull and vodka in a glass rather than a plastic cup.

And then the rest of the episode is basically just them saying goodbye. Over and over. Back and forth, the same poop, forever. This is an experience that they will never forget, and that you could never take away from them, and they are a family now (or at least for the next ten minutes, until the reunion episode, when they start insulting each other to their faces and breaking up in very theatrical ways). Everyone has done a lot of growing up this summer, probably.

Now they make out with each other instead of strangers.

Oh wait, I guess they all made out with each other on the first night. Some things never change! Salud!

I’m not going to recap the reunion episode, which was filmed in front of a live audience of about 12 people:

Nice try, MTV.


The reunion was boring to watch on TV, so I am sure that it was boring to watch from a set of rented fold-out bleachers. In any case, everyone seems to genuinely hate The Situation in a way that made me sadder than anything that ever happened on the show. And Ronnie and Sammi, who have ostensibly been together since Jersey Shore finished taping, broke up in what was supposed to be the Dramatic Moment of the show, but just came off as really staged and really weird.

Like, MTV dropped some bombshell secret footage on Ronnie’s incredibly fat off-cycle steroid face, which was a shocking…conversation between Sammi and The Situation a million years ago about how sometimes Sammi enjoys flirting? Whatever. Everyone likes flirting. That is what ends her relationship with Ronnie? That is the breaking point for him? OK. The honeymoon is over, I guess. For all of us. Goodnight, Jersey Shore, and good luck. It was fun vibing with you.