Katy Perry And Timbaland Should Go To Jail

“If We Ever Meet Again” video, you guys:

Let me just make sure that I have this straight, because this music video’s plot is very complicated, like an episode of Mr. Ocean’s 11. Or maybe not Mr. Ocean’s 11, maybe more like Pierce Brosnan’s The Thomas Crown Affair. So, there is a lady art thief and a man art thief, both of whom are incredibly young and attractive, just the way that criminals always are. At first, they are competing to both steal a painting made by a three year old boy that is standing on a cheap wooden easel in a bank lobby (the perfect crime!). The guy steals it and the girl is like shoot. Then they see each other at a Tea Party for old women, and also Katy Perry is there? And the criminals are giving each other the eye, but Katy Perry is also giving them the eye? Because she wants to have a threesome with a couple of thieves? Even though she is a famous woman and could probably pick better sexual partners for herself, or at least some sexual partners less prone to getting arrested. (“We’ve got you splatter-paint handed!”)

Bear with me.

Katy Perry doesn’t have a threesome with the criminals because she has to get back to a local photography studio operated by a would-be wedding and events photographer. Timbaland is like “where have you been, we need to dance awkwardly in front of this mottled-gray Kmart photo background,” and Katy Perry is like, “sorry, I was at a luncheon, spying on a couple of handsome criminals, and I barely had time to get home and change into this bodice,” and Timbaland is like, “oh, wait, was it a very young woman art thief and a very young man art but also necklace thief?” And Katy Perry is like, “yeah, how did you know?” And Timbaland is like, “sometimes I dress up in a trenchcoat and spy on them, too.” Then they dance. It’s terrible.

Meanwhile, an Asian man sees a candle and calls the police. Immediately, the man thief is arrested in connection with the candle. The police know that they have caught their man because he has a newspaper in his car. But just then, the lady thief is walking by dressed inconspicuously in a sexy skin-tight leather outfit and sunglasses so that she can just blend right into the background. She sees the cops and she is like, “oh no, the fellow criminal with whom I have a friendly competition going has been captured by our mutual enemy, Johnny Law!” But it is too late. The police take him to an interrogation cell, and they are like, “we’ve got you now smart guy. Tell us this: why would an innocent man have A COPY OF TODAY’S NEWSPAPER.” Obviously, these are pretty smart cops. Very tough. But the girl art thief has returned the ugly wooden egg to its candle, and paid for the boy art thief’s bail, and the cops are like, “FOILED AGAIN.”

The man and the woman go on a date, flush with the excitement of having tricked those cops. The guy is like “I really thought they had me with that newspaper, more tiramisu?” But they’re in for a rude awakening, because while they’re out talking about movies they have seen recently on their days off (from crime), someone is in the man’s apartment stealing all the stuff that he just stole. Oh no! I suppose that will teach him not to hang incriminating stolen art ON THE WALL and not to just carelessly drop stolen old lady necklaces into a giant drawer with NOTHING ELSE IN IT.

Also, I think the idea is that Timbaland and Katy Perry are stealing from him, because in a world of criminals they are super criminals? Crime-on-crime crime? Right. Maybe they should try convincing us they can make a listenable song together first.

This video is a crime against my eyes.