Who Should Replace Tobey Maguire As Spider-Man?

You may have already heard the news, which broke yesterday afternoon, but Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire have been removed from the Spider-Man franchise. From the AP:

Sony Pictures said in a statement Monday that the movie was supposed to hit theaters in 2011 but has not yet gone into production amid rumors of trouble on the set.

Raimi said his work on the previous “Spider-Man” films was the experience of a lifetime, but acknowledged the studio was heading in a “new direction.”

The new movie will be based on a script by James Vanderbilt that focuses on Peter Parker in high school.

On the one hand this is kind of a bummer. Together, Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire made Spider-Man, which was awesome, and Spider-Man 2: The Edge of Reason, which was also awesome. On the other hand, together they also made this, which was not so good. 2 out of 3 is not bad, but 2 out of 3 is not 3 out of 3.

The important thing now is moving forward, probably. I’m sure that is what is important. As a FAMILY. So, with a finalized script already moving into production, and a story in which Peter Parker goes back to high school, who should play Spider-Man? A few suggestions after the jump:

Jonathan Lipnicki

You remember Jonathan Lipnicki! From Jerry Maguire! He is of course responsible for the movie’s famous line, “You had me at hello.” I think. Wasn’t that him? Or is he the one who said “I’ll have what she’s having?” The point is, Jonathan Lipnicki has lost his baby fat and become a baby man, with a completely average and reasonable hair gel budget.

Jaleel White

It may have been 175 years since Jaleel White said goodbye to Urkel and retired his suspenders and Coke bottle glasses, but he still maintains a very youthful demeanor! And anyone who thinks that a black man can’t play Peter Parker because there is a certain amount of respect that should be paid to the source material is probably a DANGEROUS RACIST.

A Two-Headed Taylor Lautner/Robert Pattinson Hydra Monster

No duh this would be the best. The only question is whether or not the science is there.

Elle Fanning

Dakota Fanning’s younger sister is ready to take center stage. Maybe. I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually seen her in anything. It’s possible that I saw the one episode of Law & Order: Sexy Victims Unit that she was on. In any case, Hollywood better act fast, because she clearly only has a couple more years before she turns kind of gawky and awkward, and everyone is like “what happened to the girl whose sister was in I Am Sam? She looks kind of weird now, just like how the girl from I Am Sam looks kind of weird now!”

Justin Bieber

Dude’s already got a swagger coach, whatever that is. It sounds cool. (Does it?) Bieber would also be an interesting choice for the role, because he could continue the on-screen homoeroticism that Maguire shared with co-star James Franco, with a new co-star, Broadway’s own Usher. With great power comes great responsaBIEBERility. (T-shirt.)

Obviously, the movie will be directed by either Joel Schumacher or Nia Vardalos because of how Hollywood is basically just a Great Ideas Factory.