Jersey Shore S01E04: Wait, What Happened To Snooki? I Think Something Happened To Snooki!

This will be the last I complain for the day about the logistical nightmare that my life has become. Seriously, these guys know what I’m talking about:

“I hate cholera, and when my 17″ MacBook Pro dies.”

So, I can’t really do last night’s episode of Jersey Shore the justice that it deserves. Summer bummer. But we can still talk about it. But before we talk about it, can we talk about what a week it has been? Right? I mean, from the very first episode, Jersey Shore was everywhere, but the last week has really been something special. If you look up “phenomenon” in the dictionary there’s a picture of The Situation saying “Fenomawhattaboutit?” The cast has appeared on awards shows, and every single late night talk show. There has been a protest. Sort of. I mean, that was not a very good protest. But, you know. Last night, I was talking with some friends, and we were trying to think of the next most recent example of reality stars becoming this “famous” this quickly, and the closest we could come was William Hung, but even that doesn’t seem quite right. New breed.

Anyway, last night, so there was this:

(via Dlisted) Yiiiiikes. “What, you don’t like to dance?” Snoako likes to be the center of attention, and she knows that if she goes somewhere virtually empty except for a few red-faced alcoholics, she can stay in the spotlight for upwards of two hours by flashing her vagina repeatedly. Girl is the General Patton of the dance floor. Nothing but guts and strategic genius.

Just in general, before we even get to the MYSTERY of what happened at the bar, Snooki was pretty stand-out in last night’s episode. Like, when she kept calling that guy Russ Ron, and when she could not find her house and spent the night on the beach, and when her mom came to visit and she said “I just love that girl.” That girl? That is your mom, and that is hilarious. Then, of course, SOMETHING HAPPENED, but we may never know what it was.

Last night was the first very real instance we saw of genuine, aggressively-douchey behavior on the part of the guys when Pauly and The Situation were about to bring two girls home, but then ditched them for two more girls, but then double-ditched them for the first girls, and then kept talking about one of the girls as an unworkable, intolerable “grenade.” I’m not saying that the boys on Jersey Shore have been role models of class and sophistication until now, but their efforts to pound it all out last night were next level. I think that the producers were very careful in the first few episodes to make everyone look endearing. A little stoopid, and definitely caricatures intended for derision, but somewhat lovable. And now that we are sucked in (and we are all sucked in) we will slowly be shown a somewhat less pleasant side. The series has been relatively devoid of deep misogyny and/or violence until now. Enter phase two.

I don’t even really want to talk about Jwoww and her boyfriend, and the fact that she cheated on him on the second night in the house, but now is pretending like there’s some kind of special and important honesty in calling him constantly and trying to guilt trip him into taking her back because she’s nervous that the black and encompassing lack of any kind of purpose or self-worth at the core of her being will continue to engulf her until she is lost and alone completely and forever. But I will say that the “duck phone” makes that whole scenario somewhat more hilarious, and brava to the set designer who chose that fucking duck phone. Quack-quack.

But OK, so, I think something happened to Snooki, but it’s very hard to tell. SARCASM! Last night’s episode was the infamous “punch” episode, but now the punch has been removed. As if MTV did not exploit that punch to the FULLLLLLLLESST. And while even the simple suggestion of now pulling the punch after the fact is insulting and disingenuous, the way they actually did it was even worse.

UGH. I mean, nice disclaimer, I’m sure. Victims of violence should be aware that there are resources in the world for making them feel safer and less alone. But COME ON. That blackout screen? Fuck you, MTV. Next week they show Sooki begging people to reassure her that she isn’t MISSING ANY TEETH. I’m not saying that I want to see Sooki get punched in the face, I am saying that I HAVE ALREADY SEEN SOOKI GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE. So let us not pretend, because somehow that makes the whole thing even more upsetting and gross. MTV’s last-minute grasp for the moral highground through revisionist history and too-little-too-late public service announcements feels like a HATE CRIME.

I hope that MTV gets hit by a bus.

Afterwards I would be like “violence against television networks in any form is a crime” so that would make it all OK.