Saturday Night Live: Taylor Lautner Is 17 Years Old

Before you say anything about this week’s Saturday Night Live, I think it’s important to remember that Taylor Lautner is 17 years old. A child! A tiny little baby child! Do you remember what you were like when you were 17 years old? I, of course, had already been in the army for a year after lying to recruiters about my age in order to get into The War. But I think most of us were not exactly television-ready. I’m not saying that Taylor Lautner is television ready either. But he seems nice enough. You can easily imagine him, 30 pounds of lean muscle mass lighter, and no history of carrying the adolescent sexual desires of millions of teenage girls on his unnaturally thickened and Photoshop Fur Filter-enhanced shoulders, happily enjoying himself as a normal high school student who started his own Amateur Magicians Club.

But he is not a high school student. He is Taylor Lautner. And he hosted Saturday Night Live. Oh well.

Strangely enough, the opening monologue was one of the better opening monologues of the season. I mean, yes, everyone worked very hard to squeeze in a Kanye West VMAs joke about three months after we all agreed not to do that anymore. But at least this Kanye West VMAs joke included karate skillz.

Between Taylor Lautner and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Saturday Night LIve is clearly going for a lock on this year’s Best Late Night Backflips Emmy. So many backflips?

This sketch was fine. You know, funny faces. Classic.

SIDENOTE: musical guest Jon Bon Jovi? Is it just me, or does it feel like Saturday Night Live is booking their musical guests as if America just suffered a nuclear attack and they have to pick from the decimated ranks of survivors. And how come only people in their 50s survived? Get out of here, Jon Bon Jovi, and take Dave Matthews and U2 with you.

Kristen Wiig brought this old standby back. I like this old standby. Where has this old standby been?

But probably the best sketch of the night was the Team Edward/Team Jacob lab partners sketch. Nah doy.

Whatever, you know? Some of us don’t have time to put together a great show because we are too busy getting RIPPPPPPPED. Taylor Lautner is right, he does deserve an Oscar for his abs. His rock hard, tiny baby 17-year-old child of wonder and innocence abs that have been cruelly carved from a doughy, nerdy, would be amateur magician (probably) by the greedy hand of Hollywood. I’m surprised he had time to show up at all. Luckily for him (luckily for him?), gyms in New York are open LATE.