Jersey Shore S01E02: I See Drama. I See Drama.

You know, for as much noise as everyone is making about this show, you have to hand it to get kids on Jersey Shore: they get things done! In just two weeks they have already all fucked each other or something? And some of them have been in multiple relationships. They created a boardwalk sensation (I’m sure) with trademark The Situation boyshorts, which I’m sure lots of normal real people spent actual money on just like they showed on the episode! I’m sure that was real. How could it not be? You’re going to tell me that people who had never met some 56-year-old nobody at a t-shirt shop before didn’t spend perfectly good money on a poorly made pair of tacky boyshorts bearing his ridiculous nickname on them? Do not be silly. Last night, of course, was no different. We already lost a cast member? Yikes! Powermoves. Ronnie and Sammi fell deeply in love and then deeply out of love within the space of five minutes. It is going to be quite a summer! They’re basically role models for ambition and dedication. (If your ambition is to get druuuuuuuunk, and your dedication is to getting it wet! Yuck, sorry. But true.)

This episode was brought to you by Body Heat.

Commercial shown during the show (above), seamlessly blended with ACTUAL product placement (below). “Smell like Ronnie” is probably a pretty huge selling point.

So Ronnie and Sammi are in love. Ronnie is so in love, he would roll around in shit all day. (Virtually every word uttered on this show is a work of art. For longer, more accurate quotes please see here and here). Incidentally, while the Italian-American community has been up in arms over this show’s depiction of what is apparently a pretty realistic depiction of their universally accepted and enjoyed culture (otherwise why so mad, Italian-Americans?), there has been a notable silence from the Italian-American novelty t-shirt industry. Why mess with a good thing?

Speaking of a super good and expensive classy look, it is definitely a head-to-head-to-literally-a-head competition this week for who looks the most glamoris between Stokeis, aka Ms. Cool Hat:

Sammi, aka The Control:

and website owner Jwoww:

Bunch of Betty Drapers up in here. But these ladies know that you can’t win Miss United States with looks alone, you also need to have sophisticated on the inside in addition to, and that is how Snocko takes home the golden Burger King crown:

And for as much criticism these guys have received for being alcohol soaked mentally retarded fuck machines, you have to give it up to Ronnie for last night’s display of genuine human emotion, when he found out that the love of the past 36 hours of his life Sammi just gave her number to a fuckin, a fuckin, cop or whatever.

Sure, Ronnie managed to pull his shirt off as soon as he walked through the door, but that is almost all he could do, so overcome was he.

But, OK, all jokes aside: Angelina is a garbage person. Like, the part of last night’s episode in which she doesn’t go to work because she’s pouting about her married boyfriend possibly breaking up with her at a nightclub is some of the most infuriating and unbearable television I have ever seen:

UGHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh, I am so bothered by this! Like, it’s one thing to pretend like you know what the term “common courtesy” means, when you do not know what it means at all (there is definitely someone who “just doesn’t get it” here Angelina, but it’s not someone other than you), but it is a whole other thing to force a human being to talk to you through a bathroom door because you’re a living nightmare, and then, AND THEN, to pretend like the consequences of your impossible behavior were your idea the whole time! Woof. Pack your garbage bags and go home, Angelina. Oh good, you did.